We deal with a maelstrom of emotions on a regular basis — it’s simply part of being human. The key is to learn how to deal with them in a healthy manner, which often includes discussing frustrations calmly with others to find the best ways to mitigate them.
Of course, this approach only works for those who have done a lot of personal work and have learned how to express difficult feelings without hostility. Those who haven’t learned emotional regulation and open, calm communication may instead bottle up those frustrations, and will communicate in the distinct ways listed below.
1. Passive aggression.
According to Psychology Today, passive aggression is one of the key ways that people behave when they internalize frustration or anger instead of expressing it. When they don’t have the means or the words to properly communicate the things that are bothering them, those emotions don’t just go away: they percolate like boiling water and will manifest in different forms.
An example of passive aggression borne of frustration might include “accidentally” forgetting to pack their partner’s lunch or wash their work clothes when said partner keeps coming home late without calling or texting. Rather than coming out and expressing their upset at their partner’s behavior, they’ll get back at them with subtle digs and retaliation instead.
2. Overly emotional outbursts.
Have you ever seen a warning label on a chemical bottle that said: “Contents Under Pressure”? People who internalize their frustrations are like human versions of those canisters: all their repressed emotions have been tamped down and pressurized, and may explode if and when that canister is punctured.
When something occurs that causes this pressure to be released, people like this will often have intense emotional outbursts that are disproportionate to the issue at hand. They might break down sobbing at what seems like a tiny inconvenience, or have a full-on screaming meltdown over something that has upset them. Very Well Mind advises that they may even try to cope with this emotional overload by engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, risky behavior, or self-harm.
3. Infantilized speech.
Many people who experienced childhood trauma or neglect internalize their frustrations because they were taught that expressing things like anger was unacceptable and would inevitably be punished. As a result, trauma experts advise that they learned to repress all the emotions that they weren’t permitted to release, but were also likely expected to keep communicating with those who wanted answers from them on demand (i.e., parents, caregivers, abusive partners, etc.) Therefore, in adulthood, if a person like this feels frustrated, their speech may shift into something that’s more infantilized.
Their voice will take on a higher, more childlike pitch that’s meant to convey innocence and non-aggression. Additionally, they’ll speak very quickly and try to over-explain what they’re thinking and feeling. They learned early that if they spoke quickly and childishly, they might evoke a sense of pity rather than malice, and thus avoid potential hurt.
I had a housemate like this years ago, and whenever it was pointed out that she had behaved inappropriately, she would go wide-eyed and apologize profusely in a voice that sounded like a five-year-old child. It’s a bit disturbing to experience, but it speaks volumes about the damage a person has experienced in the past.
4. Good! Vibes! Only!
Another way that internalized frustration may manifest in a person’s communication style is in an extreme adherence to good vibes only. A person with poor emotional regulation skills, whose feelings are all bottled up instead of worked through and released, will often go above and beyond to avoid feeling anything they consider to be “bad”. This includes bad news, emotions like sadness or pessimism, and so on.
You may come across someone like this in your social group or workplace, and marvel at the fact that they seem bubbly and effervescent all the time. They might plug their ears and shake their heads if anyone says anything “negative”, and will either leave a conversation if people are discussing things that they don’t want to hear, or seek to forcibly change the vibe by informing everyone that they’re being toxic. They won’t tolerate anything that lowers their positive vibration and will put an extraordinary amount of time and effort into cultivating joy at all costs.
5. Stomping around, muttering, but not talking about what’s bothering them.
Those who don’t know how to express their frustrations verbally (or have barriers in their life that prevent them from doing so) may lash out physically instead. They’ll stomp around, slam doors and cupboards, pace back and forth, and mutter under their breath, but refuse to talk about what’s bothering them. In fact, if they’re asked if something’s the matter, they’ll often insist that they’re “fine” and keep carrying on.
Depending on how intense their emotions are, they might even resort to throwing or breaking things in frustration. This can be quite damaging to their relationships, especially if their actions lead to the destruction of expensive property or the injury of their loved ones accidentally. A person might not mean to hurt their partner, child, or even their pet, but if a mug ricochets off a counter and accidentally strikes them, that’s going to cause a rift in their relationship that may never be repaired.
6. Being curt and distant, including with body language.
One common behavior of people who internalize frustrations is to literally “swallow” their emotions. As such, you’ll often see them clench their jaws, make chewing or swallowing motions with their mouth or throat (with tight or pressed lips), and they’ll have their arms crossed firmly over their abdomen or chest. It’s as though they’re fighting to keep their feelings from escaping the tightly bound box in which they’re being kept securely.
If they’re asked questions or otherwise have to talk to others, they’ll offer short, clipped answers without making any direct eye contact. To them, eye contact might be a catalyst that’ll cause those repressed frustrations to be unleashed, so it’s best to avoid it just in case.
Of course, it’s important to note that body language can, and often is, misinterpreted. For example, some people naturally avoid eye contact because they find it uncomfortable, or even painful, and in these instances, it has little to do with emotional repression. Context is crucial here, and it’s often a change in behavior rather than the behavior itself that will tell you more about how a person is feeling.
7. Overcompensating by being a pleasant peacemaker.
When someone who internalizes their frustrations is feeling upset about an issue, they’ll often try to fix it by taking a different approach, usually one that seems to be positive and peaceful rather than assertive or demanding. For example, a parent who’s frustrated that their teenager isn’t bathing often enough might tell their kid that they need new clothes, so they’re going to be taken shopping, but they need to shower first! This gives the kid an incentive to get clean, resulting in a positive outcome without any unpleasant confrontation.
Alternatively, a person might over-apologize and become ingratiating to the person who’s been frustrating them in the hope that this person will come to realize just how amazing they are and start to treat them better. They’ll tell this person how much they appreciate them and how lovely they are, believing on some level that repeating that incessantly will magically make it so.
Final thoughts…
If any of these communication behaviors feel familiar to you, you’re not alone. In fact, the vast majority of people who have experienced trauma have difficulty with conflict and expressing frustration in a healthy, productive manner. The key is to be able to recognize these behaviors when they arise so they can be improved over time.
If you feel that you need some extra help learning better communication and regulation techniques, consider seeking out a therapist who’s experienced with cognitive and dialectical behavioral therapy, as they’ll be able to help you learn approaches that may work best for you.
