“Self-doubt kills more dreams than failure ever could.” – Suzy Kassem
It’s a strong statement that speaks to the power of our thoughts and how we navigate the world. Many people struggle to believe that they are smart enough, good enough, and worthy enough of the life they could have if they would only try. But they undermine themselves with their lack of confidence, which leads to a lack of action.
Conquering self-doubt is the key to a happy, fulfilling life. All of the things you want out of life are on the other side of your fears. That’s why you need to identify these common habits of self-doubt that erode your confidence and keep you from the life, peace, and happiness that you deserve.
1. You over-apologize for everything.
People who lack self-confidence often apologize for things that should not be apologized for – like having needs, expressing their thoughts, or taking up space. As therapist, Emma McAdam, LMFT, writes, they don’t want to feel like a burden and a bother, so they try to smooth things over with an apology so other people won’t think poorly of them.
They may accept responsibility and blame for things that aren’t truly their fault, like circumstances that are outside of their control, and give apologies for that not working out. Not only does this fuel further self-doubt, but it also causes people to be skeptical of your word. If you apologize for everything, then it communicates that you don’t value apologies as highly as you should. Other people may not be able to tell when you’re sincere, or when you’re just apologizing to keep the peace.
2. You ignore or downplay your accomplishments.
People often use modesty to disguise their self-doubt. They can’t just take a win and be okay with it. Instead, they have to talk themselves down by saying that it was “no big deal,” or they give credit to other people so they don’t appear as though they are too confident.
But modesty isn’t always a good thing. In fact, it can hurt your life and standing when other people don’t know what you’re capable of. For example, let’s say you’re at work, and you just don’t take credit for your own hard work. Well, what happens when promotion or pay raise time rolls around? Other people need to know that you’re worth it, and they can only know that if you’re taking credit for your work.
Personally, I used to do this all the time. I didn’t have as much confidence in my own abilities as I thought I did. Nor did I appreciate when other people would praise me, so I would constantly talk down how it wasn’t that good or what could have been better. However, all I really had to do was gracefully accept the compliment by smiling and saying “thank you”. After a while, a lot of those negative thoughts did recede.
3. You stay silent when you disagree.
Dr. Brad Brenner informs us that people who struggle with self-doubt often feel like their opinions and feelings aren’t valid. When it comes to conflicts, they may stay silent when they disagree with other people’s opinions or actions. They believe that their perspective is not worthy or important enough for consideration, so they just keep it to themselves instead.
Naturally, this behavior is problematic because it encourages bad and unacceptable behavior. The ability to speak up when you disagree is important for maintaining boundaries and enforcing good social decorum. Still, confidence can be a struggle when you feel like you’re outnumbered or have an unpopular opinion.
4. You obsess over how others see you.
The opinions other people have about you and your life are not important. After all, no one else can define what happiness means to you. All that matters is what you think of the kind of life that you are living, how you present yourself, and how you want to be. But people with a lot of self-doubt often feel isolated because they stay in their heads so much. They spend a lot of time thinking about how they will be perceived by other people because they just want to feel accepted, but they don’t believe they are worth acceptance.
That is a huge issue because it prevents them from truly connecting with others. Instead of seeing the authentic version, they portray someone that they’re not. Connections that they do manage to create are false, which often makes those self-deprecating feelings worse. They aren’t liked for being who they are; they’re liked for being who they are pretending to be.
5. You over-explain yourself.
Self-confident people don’t feel the need to over-explain themselves all the time. People who struggle with self-doubt may find themselves justifying every decision or opinion they make, even when no one’s asked. They do that because they’re unsure of their own judgment and self-worth. It’s hard for them to just make the decision, follow through on it, and let it go.
That can become a vicious cycle when a decision doesn’t go well. And let’s face it, some aren’t going to go well. That’s just life. Even a perfect plan can go awry with some random factor that you could never have anticipated.
That’s why self-confidence is so important. It’s the confidence in knowing that yes, you made the decision, and if it doesn’t work out, you are confident that you can find a solution or another way.
6. You avoid making decisions of your own.
Self-doubt may cause you to hesitate to make a decision because you don’t feel like you have the ability to make one. And even if you do, you end up constantly second-guessing yourself. Instead, you may rely on other people to provide guidance or make decisions for you to avoid whatever mistake you’re afraid of.
Naturally, this isn’t a healthy behavior because most people aren’t going to have your best interests in mind. They will have their own best interests in mind, and that may affect the decisions they make for you. Not only that, but you’re the one who has to live with the consequences of those choices, so it’s better that you make them for yourself.
7. You compare yourself to others.
People who regularly measure themselves against others are showing that they are not confident in themselves as a person. Those who struggle with self-doubt often feel like they need to prove themselves to themselves, so they are constantly comparing themselves to others. They may find that one of the few ways to feel good about themselves is by being somehow superior.
Of course, that’s a recipe for pure unhappiness because someone will always have it better than you. It doesn’t matter what you have, how you look, or what you do; there is someone out there who has it better in some way. Self-confidence is what allows us to accept that fact and be happy with what we have.
8. You settle for less.
Accepting less out of life is a sign of self-doubt because the person typically feels they aren’t deserving of having their dreams and goals met. It goes along with the idea that the person just isn’t confident enough in themselves to make their dreams into a reality.
Naturally, nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that not everyone can do everything exceptionally, but there are a lot of ways to get the answers you need to turn your dreams into a reality. Someone, somewhere, has made those dreams happen and has probably written a book or a podcast on how they did it.
Final thoughts…
Self-doubt is a killer of ambitions and dreams. It’s healthy to have goals that you reach for, but to do that, you have to be confident that you can attain them. The mistake that so many people make is thinking that they have to know everything ahead of time or need the approval of others. You don’t need the approval of anyone other than yourself, and the confidence to know you can figure it out.
After all, it’s your life. You only get one, and you only have a limited time to make the most of it.
