If you ask the average divorce attorney how many times they’ve heard that the divorce came “out of nowhere”, they’ve likely lost count. Many husbands sincerely think that actions they do on a regular basis are harmless — or even beneficial — when in reality, they’re doing much more harm than they realize.
Furthermore, if they’re told that these actions are damaging their marriages, they either don’t believe it or find excuses to justify their behaviors. The following things may seem harmless, but they can erode marriages more than most good husbands will ever realize.
1. Expecting their wives to keep track of all their things.
The trope about men being absent-minded about their belongings and asking their wives to help them find their keys/shoes/phone is so common that it’s been used in countless books, films, and TV series. Author Nora Ephron actually referred to herself as the designated “finder of all things lost” in one of her essay books.
It’s neither cute nor endearing for wives to be expected not just to keep track of all their husbands’ belongings, but to drop everything they’re doing when their husbands need help to find said items. Said husbands don’t recognize that they’re unintentionally pushing their wives into over-functioning in the relationship and taking on a mother-like role for them.
2. Rearranging things to be “helpful” when they are anything but.
A friend of mine once came back from a three-day business trip to discover that her (now ex) husband had rearranged everything in the kitchen as a “helpful surprise” for her. She’s an avid cook, whereas he could barely throw a sandwich together, but he had decided to prepare a simple recipe while she was away. He had never cooked anything in that kitchen before and couldn’t find the things he was looking for, so he decided to rearrange all the utensils, cookware, and ingredients so they would be more “efficient”, according to his own logic.
When she saw what he had done, she broke down crying and went to her mother’s place for a couple of days. Her then-husband had no idea what he had done wrong: in his mind, he had made everything “better” and couldn’t understand why she was so devastated. After all, he had even gone ahead and thrown out ingredients that he thought smelled weird or might have gone bad. While this wasn’t the catalyst that ended their marriage, repeated behaviors like this over the years certainly contributed to its downfall.
3. Letting their wives handle more small responsibilities than they do because they’re just “better” at them.
Many men joke about how they can’t remember their own family members’ birthdays, or take credit for the amazing gifts their kids receive at the holidays, when their wives are the ones keeping track of dates, sending cards, buying and wrapping gifts, organizing parties, and so on. For a lot of men who are considered good husbands, this has become so normalized that it wouldn’t occur to them to change the status quo. They use weaponized incompetence and the “You’re just so much better at it than me!” mantra to justify their behavior to their wives (and themselves).
Meanwhile, all these responsibilities add up to a significant amount of extra work that their wives are expected to shoulder. One or two leaves of paper don’t weigh much at all, but a package of paper can weigh 20lbs. It may seem harmless, and most good men don’t realize they’re doing it, but women’s rights experts advise that the amount of regular unpaid labor wives are expected to do adds up and does them immeasurable harm in the long term. What’s more, it’s a common contributor to Walkaway Wife Syndrome, where wives suddenly and “unexpectedly” leave their marriages.
4. Making decisions without their partners’ input.
A man might think he’s being a good husband and being proactive in his marriage if he goes ahead and schedules appointments, makes plans, or buys an appliance without his wife’s input, and will then get upset when she isn’t sufficiently appreciative. Meanwhile, he didn’t check the calendar before making the plans, so he scheduled the vacation during school exam week, ordered a stove that was too wide for the available space in the kitchen, etc.
Actions like this can create serious tension in a marriage and can snowball into a much bigger issue. If the husband feels that his efforts aren’t being appreciated, he may be less likely to take on any decision-making in the future. Alternatively, he might continue to make decisions and plans without asking for her input to try to establish his leadership in their marriage. This is unlikely to have any positive effects in the long run.
5. Being physically affectionate when their spouse is not in that headspace at all.
TV shows and films created by men have caused many guys to believe that it’s cute and endearing to nuzzle or grope their partner whenever the whim strikes them; that no matter what their spouses are doing, they thoroughly appreciate any physical affection whatsoever and will gladly drop the spatula, soapy dish, or whatever else they’re doing for a passionate romp. There’s also the implication that if said partner isn’t feeling it at the moment, then they’re the problem.
It’s great to be spontaneous, but it’s also important to “read the room”, so to speak. If a husband comes home after being out with the guys and finds his wife passed out on the couch with a hot water bottle, painkillers, a Fairy Smut book, and a pile of empty chocolate wrappers, it’s really not the best time to wake her up for sexy times. Regularly doing that type of thing isn’t going to keep him in her good books, and his resentment over having his advances rejected can cause further marriage breakdown.
6. Spending money on things they want without checking in first to go over family finances.
It’s perfectly reasonable for people to want to spend their hard-earned money on things that make them happy. What’s unreasonable, however, is when people are in a committed partnership and don’t check in with one another to make sure all the bills and other financial commitments are covered first before indulging in personal whims.
Having one’s debit or credit card declined at the grocery store, or getting a warning that the power is being shut off because one’s husband has depleted the joint account to buy himself new Airsoft equipment or fishing gear, is both a frustrating and humiliating experience. Should it happen repeatedly, despite serious discussions about checking in with one another first, that can seriously erode an already precarious marriage further.
7. Assuming their partner knows how they feel.
People express and receive love in different ways (i.e., different “love languages”), but the gift that one gives isn’t necessarily the one that another receives. As such, if a husband feels that he’s expressing love for his wife in a language that she doesn’t recognize, she might feel like he doesn’t truly care for her, while in turn, he feels like his efforts aren’t being appreciated. When and if she tries to tell him how she would like to be loved, he’ll double down on his efforts because he isn’t interested in speaking her language.
For example, let’s say there’s a husband who gives his wife gifts instead of telling her that he loves her or spending time with her, but her main love languages are verbal expression and physical touch. She’s likely to end up feeling like he’s just buying her affection and doesn’t sincerely care for her. He might be sincerely trying to show her how much he cares, but on his own terms rather than finding a middle ground that works for both of them.
Over time, this can destroy the marriage due to irreconcilable differences. Real love might have been there, but they simply weren’t seeing or hearing each other properly.
Final thoughts…
A successful marriage requires constant communication, negotiation, and checking in with one another to make sure that both partners are on the same page. The actions listed here are very easy to change with minimal effort, and can be kept in check with a bit of self-awareness and conscious decision-making.
We all mess up at times, and even the best of men can unintentionally damage their marriages through thoughtless action. The key to mitigating damage and avoiding destruction lies in deciding to change these seemingly “harmless” behaviors and working with their spouse to keep the marriage alive.
