Some friendships last a lifetime, while others only last a little while, like temporary bonds created with coworkers or cool people on a camping or travel excursion. We expect the latter to exit our lives fairly quickly and easily, but when friends you’ve had for years suddenly change behaviors, it’s usually a sign that they’re trying to extricate themselves from the friendship you forged.
It can be hard to let go of a friendship, and few friends will tell you outright that they’ve had enough of you, so look out for the 8 behaviors listed below. They’re strong indicators that your friend is well en route to becoming a stranger.
1. Unavailability via phone or other social media.
They rarely answer the phone when you call, and usually just respond to your text messages with heart or thumbs-up emojis. Things have become very one-sided in your interactions. Essentially, they’re only putting in the bare minimum to acknowledge that you wrote anything, but don’t write anything unless you ask them something that requires a definite answer.
Then, it’ll likely be in three words or fewer. Dating experts say that one way you can tell if someone is into you or not is by the length of their texts. And the same can be applied to friendships, broadly speaking. If and when someone really isn’t into you, they’ll stick to clipped responses consisting of one to three words or an emoji instead of a solid response. If the friend who has usually been quite verbose now responds with “that’s cool” or “good to know”, and they aren’t distracted by some major life issue, it’s likely their connection with you has cooled significantly.
2. They no longer share anything personal with you.
This person whom you thought you knew almost as well as yourself suddenly isn’t sharing anything personal with you anymore. You might find out about one of their major milestones or life events from mutual friends or family members, or you may only hear about it long after the fact.
When people are in the process of cutting someone out of their lives, their actions are the reverse of what they are when they’re getting to know them and want to get closer. The less they tell you, the more distance they’ll create between you, until it’s very much an “out of sight, out of mind” situation.
3. Formality in your interactions.
Before, you might have been closer than siblings or lovers, and were effortlessly comfortable in each other’s company. Your phone or text interactions were friendly and enthusiastic, and you might have sent each other silly memes or whatnot over the course of the day just to keep in regular contact.
Now, your interactions feel more awkward and even formal at times. If you reach out to wish them a happy birthday or congratulate them on something, you’ll get back a response like “Thank you for thinking of me”, rather than heartfelt gratitude or warmth.
There’s no easy comfort anymore, nor are there inside jokes, slang expressions, and so on. You might as well be talking shop with a client or health professional for all the friendliness you’re receiving.
4. A change in eye contact or physical contact in your interactions.
If you actually manage to coax them out for a meetup — be that a quick coffee on the weekend, a birthday get-together, or similar — all of their body language indicates strongly that they don’t want to be there. It’s important to note that body language taken out of context is often misinterpreted, so here we’re specifically talking about a change in their usual body language that can’t be explained by some other issue.
They may put more distance between you by sitting or standing on the opposite side of a table, and avoid meeting your gaze (assuming they haven’t always found eye contact uncomfortable).
Furthermore, they’ll make it clear that they can’t stay for too long, and both when they arrive and when they leave, they’ll seem very uncomfortable with physical contact. For example, if they’re normally an affectionate, “huggy” person, they’ll only do so briefly and seem very uncomfortable or wooden while doing so.
5. Abandoning shared hobbies or other pastimes.
If you met this friend through a shared hobby or other interest, your friendship might have developed because you kept seeing each other at meetups, trade shows, and so on. Whenever there was a convention or a big event, you likely went together because you were both so passionate about this thing you had in common.
Now, however, it appears that they’ve lost interest in the pastime. They don’t talk to you about what they’re doing anymore, and if they do show up at a meeting or event, they’re much cooler with you than before; rather distant and detached. This person may very well still be interested in the hobby the two of you shared, but they’d rather do it alone or with other friends than with you now.
6. Failing to attend events that they know you’ll be attending (or leaving immediately once you arrive).
Have you ever responded to an event invitation by asking if X person is going to be in attendance or not, and then decided whether you’d go based on whether they’d be there or not? I know I have, especially if it was an ex I would have preferred not to run into, or if I knew the greasy dude with the guitar was going to be there, singing Wonderwall and asking everyone else for free drinks.
It’s tough to realize you’ve become the person that your now-distant friend is trying to avoid. If the invitation came from mutual friends who are trying to dissuade you from attending, it’s likely because they’re prioritizing this other person’s company over yours: they’ve heard that your friend is aiming for distance between you, and they’re trying to accommodate. Alternatively, this now-distant friend of yours might have shown up to the party early, but leaves as soon as you arrive.
7. No longer inviting you to important events in their life.
In the past, you weren’t just one of the first people they invited to their important life events: you were also the one they consulted to help plan and organize them. They asked for ideas about cool parties they were planning, got your input on menus and locations, and booked your time months in advance for out-of-town get-togethers at all manner of holiday destinations.
Now, not only do you not get asked for your input about whatever they’re planning, you don’t know what they’re planning at all because you aren’t invited. Mutual friends might ask you if they’ll see you at the shindig on the weekend, and you have to shrug and say that it’s the first you’ve heard of it. Later, you might see a few photos people have shared of the fun times that were had by all, but you weren’t on the guest list to share in that experience.
8. They don’t interact with anything you share online.
Your friend may not have been so bold as to unfollow or block you on social media, but they don’t interact with anything you share. They might have muted or restricted you, or they simply skim over any of your posts that they come across without liking or commenting on anything.
This was a person who once interacted enthusiastically with anything you cared to share, and you often had long strings of comment exchanges, recommendations, and a great rapport overall. Now, it’s like you don’t even register on their radar… and if you do, they’re not all that interested in what you have to say.
Final thoughts…
There are countless reasons why friendships come to an end, so please don’t think that there’s anything “wrong” with you or that you pushed this person away. All relationships change over time, some simply grow apart, and friendships can wear down the same way romantic partnerships do.
If you feel that one of your friends is pulling away, try not to hook in and pull them close due to fear of losing them, as like trying to hold a fistful of mercury, it’ll scatter in your palm. Instead, let the friendship sit quietly, and it’ll either heal or dissipate as it needs to.
