One of the most important things a person can learn to do is to read between the lines of others’ words and behaviors. This is because a lot of the people they’ll meet throughout their life will hide their true intentions behind facades of benevolence.
The behaviors listed below may seem friendly enough on the surface, or to those who choose not to dig too deeply into them, but be warned: they tell you with no degree of uncertainty that the person acting this way doesn’t respect you much at all.
1. Explaining things for you when you haven’t asked.
A person who doesn’t respect you will inevitably view you as less than themselves. This extends to your personal awareness, competence, and education, and you may find that they’ll often explain things to you like you’re a lobotomized toddler instead of asking you first whether you need the topic explained to you.
This can be incredibly trying, especially if you know just as much about the subject as they do (if not more so), but they don’t see you as being worth the time or courtesy necessary to check your familiarity before dumbing it down for your supposed benefit.
2. “Saving you” from potentially poor relationship choices.
I once had a male friend (let’s call him “Joe”) who took it upon himself to interfere in my personal life for the purpose of “protecting me from myself”. A guy I had been dating suddenly ghosted me without any explanation, and some close friends of mine also started keeping their distance from me. When I finally asked one of them flat out what was going on, she said that “Joe” had told them that they were a bad influence on me and that my life would be better without them. He had apparently done the same thing to the guy I’d been dating. He’d messaged him on social media and told him to leave me alone.
At no point did I ever give my so-called friend permission to intervene in my personal relationships. He simply decided for himself that I needed to be chaperoned, and that he had veto power over my friendships and intimate partnerships. When I made it clear that he had severely overstepped my boundaries with his disrespectful behavior, he accused me of being ungrateful; that I wasn’t appreciating the fact that he cared enough to look out for me. Experts tell us this is a kind of ego-driven rescuing, and it’s totally disrespectful. People like this will never respect that you’re an autonomous individual, and you need to distance yourself from them as quickly as possible.
3. Discarding your belongings to “help you,” without your consent.
A person who doesn’t just rifle through your belongings, but takes it upon themselves to throw away things they don’t think you need, is showing you just how little respect they have for you or your space. This often happens between parents and their adult children, but may also be done by romantic partners, housemates, friends, or neighbors.
They might try to convince themselves — and you — that they’re trying to “help you” by decluttering, and imply that you aren’t showing much gratitude for how much time and effort they’re putting into making things “better” for you. In reality, it’s a form of infantilization, and will only continue unless strict boundaries are put into place.
4. Performative kindnesses.
Many people will do things for you that seem nice or kind at the outset but are, in fact, setting up a situation in which you’ll owe them something in return, later on. They might even try to make you feel guilty for accepting the help that they’ve offered, making you keenly aware of how much they’ve put themselves out for your sake.
Alternatively, they may go above and beyond to be kind or helpful towards you in public, i.e., when there’s an audience to witness their altruism — but they’ll insult, dismiss, control, or even abuse you when you’re alone with them. This is a classic sign they are a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and you need to watch out.
5. Never disagreeing with you.
A person who respects you will make a point of being honest with you, even when it’s difficult to do so. They’ll bring up points that you may not have considered, argue with you if they feel you’re being unreasonable, or let you know if you’ve done something that crosses their boundaries or hurts their feelings.
In contrast, a person who doesn’t respect you will go along with pretty much anything you say to shut you up. Alternatively, they’ll nod, smile, and pretend that everything is okay, and then trash-talk you to anyone who’ll listen as soon as your back is turned. They don’t care about you enough to want to work through issues together, so they’ll simply say or do whatever is needed until they’re free from your presence once again.
6. Making decisions or ordering things for you.
People who make decisions on your behalf without having the decency to consult you first are making it abundantly clear that they don’t respect you at all. This type of behavior can take many forms, from a parent who cancels plans or makes health decisions for you (especially if you’re well into adulthood) to a partner who orders food for you at a restaurant instead of asking you what you’d like.
A person who behaves like this either feels that you’re too incompetent to make decisions for yourself, or that you won’t make the “right” ones, from their perspective. Their behavior is often controlling under the guise of care. Essentially, they’re taking it upon themselves to save you from yourself and stop you from doing what they feel is wrong. The concept of respecting your sovereignty wouldn’t even occur to them, and they’d find it laughable if another suggested it.
7. Doing things for you, “so you don’t have to.”
A person who doesn’t respect you or your autonomy may take tasks away from you under the guise of supporting you, or alleviating your workload. In reality, they don’t like the way you do these things, or feel that you do them poorly, so they think they’re tricking you into allowing them to take over.
This can also be construed as a form of infantilization, and may come from parents, coworkers, housemates, or other peers. Essentially, they don’t feel that you’re capable of doing the task properly — or as well as they can do it — so they take away the opportunity for you to improve by taking it over from you. Some might even go so far as to treat you like a small child and allow you to put the finishing touches on something, but that’s it.
8. Circumventing you so they aren’t “bothering you.”
This type of thing often happens at the workplace, in which one of your colleagues or underlings will either make a decision without consulting you or go around you to one of your superiors about an issue rather than dealing with you directly. That said, it may also happen in relationships: your partner might forge your signature on something important, or fail to inform you about a parent-teacher interview.
The person in question may try to pass this off as a courtesy; that they know you’re super busy and didn’t want to bother you. In reality, they see you as lacking something on a fundamental level. They don’t respect you as an equal, and therefore see no need to include you as though you were.
Final thoughts…
If you tell people that you’re being disrespected by those who display the behaviors mentioned here, many of them will tell you that you’re overreacting or reading into things that aren’t really there. While it’s important to listen to others’ perspectives, it’s even more important to trust your own intuition. If you feel that someone is disrespecting you, trust in that and take the steps needed to prevent them from doing so. This may include calling them out on their actions, distancing yourself from them, or even cutting them out of your life.
