People can be challenging. They are responsible for both the best and worst actions, they practice untold kindness and cruelty, and are often an emotional mess at the best of times. It’s easy to take all of that personally, even when it’s not.
Sometimes the people in our group aren’t all that kind. They don’t think, act, or behave that kindly for their own reasons. It can be hard not to take that personally, even though it may not be. Or, maybe it is personal, and the person is just mean.
Either way, you cannot base your worth on their words and behaviors. It’s not always easy, but learning to separate your worth from others’ opinions is a crucial skill. Here’s how to develop it.
1. Remind yourself that their behavior is a reflection of them, not you.
It’s surreal when you finally make this realization, and it sinks in. At least, it was for me. As the Little School of Buddhism teaches, the way people behave is a reflection of what is going on inside of them.
For me, this revelation came at a time when I was talking with a lot of people about their personal issues, and I would get so many different reactions and emotions to similar situations. That included how other people viewed, treated, and spoke to me. And it was easy for other people to pigeonhole me into a position that I wasn’t actually in.
Their perceptions were largely tainted by what they were feeling. I was accused on more than one occasion of not having good intentions, but that’s because those people were hurt, angry, and scared. They were defensive, and it was a safety mechanism to keep themselves from harm.
At first, I didn’t question it. I thought I must be doing something wrong. But, I wasn’t. I understood that my intentions were good, even if my execution was sometimes off. These people didn’t know my heart, but I did, and I knew I could stand firm in saying that I was there to help as much as I could.
You can’t let other people’s behaviors determine your value. Their opinions can be founded in emotions and situations that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
2. Define your worth based on your values, not others’ validation.
Dr. Karyn Hall writes that there are two types of validation – internal and external. People who need external validation need other people to tell them that they are valuable to feel good about themselves. That’s a problem because it puts you in the position of needing to sacrifice what’s important to you to make other people happy.
On the other hand, internal validation is knowing that you have value regardless of what other people think or do. It’s an ability to be happy with yourself, for whatever reasons make you happy about you.
Take some time to think of three values you have that make you feel good about yourself. Consider examples, values like kindness, persistence, integrity, or anything that you feel you should be proud of. These are the things you should focus on when you doubt yourself.
3. Stop making strangers your judge and jury.
Don’t give strangers the authority to define your worth and value. They don’t know you, your story, or what you may have going on that is driving your interaction. Not only that, but they also have whatever is going on in their own life that may affect the way they treat other people.
Everyone has an opinion about everything, but many of those opinions aren’t based on much. A stranger that you pass by in life doesn’t know anything about you. All they know is what they can immediately perceive, which doesn’t include how you may actually think or feel.
Trying to earn the approval of strangers to feel good about yourself is just a pointless treadmill that won’t be beneficial to you. Sooner or later, the strangers will move on, and you’ll be left chasing something you’re making no progress with.
4. Pause before you react to what another person has to say.
Take a mental step back when someone says something that stings. Pause, breathe, and ask yourself, “Is this about me, or them?” You’ll find that in most cases, you aren’t actually doing anything wrong and that their reaction is due to whatever they have going on. The pause is a powerful, dignified strategy to deal with disrespect, because a moment of space can keep their words from hooking into you.
And, again, speaking from personal experience, it’s astounding how far a kind word in a difficult situation like that goes. I got into the habit of turning it back around onto the other person by asking, “Are you alright? The subject of conversation seems particularly sensitive…”
You’d be surprised how many people would backtrack, apologize for their rudeness, or even open up about whatever it is they were going through. They reacted badly because they were experiencing bad emotions, not because they had a genuine problem with me.
Now, you may be thinking, “Why do I have to be the bigger person?” And the answer is, you don’t. No, it’s not fair or right to be treated badly because someone is having a rough time. No, you don’t need to be kind about it. All I’m saying is try it, if you’re able.
5. Limit your emotional exposure to repeat offenders.
Boundaries – if you don’t have them, you need them! The people that you surround yourself with do have a dramatic effect on you, whether you realize it or not. We often make decisions, take actions, and have our opinions influenced by the people around us. So, if you’re surrounded by negative people or someone who constantly causes you to question your worth, you may internalize that.
If certain people keep dragging you down, it’s time to create some simple boundaries. Common approaches are to reduce or go no-contact, have shorter conversations, change topics, or practice the “gray rock” method.
What is the “gray rock method?” Simply put, you make yourself as uninteresting to other people as a gray rock would be. Everything in your life is “fine,” it’s all “going okay,” and really, there’s nothing to elaborate on. This technique can prevent the other person from finding things to latch onto and harm you with. It’s such an effective technique for protecting your peace.
6. Replace ruminating thoughts with self-compassion.
It’s easy to get certain thoughts stuck in your head. The negative thoughts and comments tend to stick harder than the positive ones. It’s called “rumination” when you sit and continuously stew on the negative thoughts and emotions. Rumination is a harmful practice that fuels depression, anxiety, and feelings of low self-worth.
One way to combat rumination is to replace the thoughts with different thoughts, like positive mantras. That way, instead of focusing on what is bad, you can focus on hopeful messages and your positive qualities. Write out a little mantra for you to repeat to yourself instead of those other hurtful feelings.
If you’re someone who has difficulty being kind to yourself, self-compassion expert Dr Kristin Neff suggests considering what you would tell a good friend in the moments you’re struggling. Instead of saying those things to your friend, make that your positive mantra instead.
7. Keep a “proof file” of who you are for an emotional boost.
Every time you achieve a goal, receive genuine praise, or handle something well, write it down. On the tough days when you don’t feel like you’re good or worthy enough, pull out that reminder to read through. That way, you can try to cut your way through the fog of other opinions and negativity that may be surrounding you.
Sometimes you need a tangible reminder, something solid that you can hold onto. By creating a file like this, you’re giving yourself a tool that you can hold onto, rather than needing to look for outside approval from someone else. After all, these are the things that you accomplished and did for yourself.
You deserve to feel good about these things! And yourself, for that matter.
Final thoughts…
You are infinitely more than what other people may think of you. No one has lived your life, has your insights, intelligence, or ability. We are all blessed to be good at certain things, even if we sometimes struggle to remember that. It’s even harder when you’re surrounded by the wrong people, or take their opinions too seriously.
Don’t. You are too worthy and valuable to let yourself be undermined and taken down.
