There is no relationship more important than the one you have with yourself. You are the one you will spend the most time with, so it matters how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you. Self-respect is about staying true to oneself and honoring that which is important to you.
What’s more, self-respect is a habit, not just a feeling. It’s regularly choosing to do what’s right for you, even when you don’t feel like you deserve it. And what is the right thing? Well, doing these things consistently is a great place to start.
1. Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.
Boundaries teach other people how you want to be treated. There are people out there who have little consideration for others. Their number one concern is themselves. Because they are so self-focused, they will often make their decisions based on what’s best for them.
What that means for you is that you will always be subject to other people trying to get the most out of you for the least amount of effort. That’s not to say other people are bad for acting like that. It’s not so much that they are bad people or trying to be harmful; they just aren’t thinking of others. That’s why it’s so important to set and enforce boundaries.
As psychologists inform us, people with healthy boundaries understand that they only have so much of themselves to give, so they are careful about how and who they give to. They know they only have a limited amount of mental and emotional energy so they don’t just let other people take it as they like.
2. Honoring your values, even when it’s hard.
People with self-respect value their integrity over approval. They align their actions with their core beliefs, knowing that it’s better to disappoint others or walk a harder path than betray oneself. Strong core values are signs of character and integrity because it can be hard to stick to your values at times.
It’s an interesting thing to make the transition from not sticking to some form of values to adopting some. I personally didn’t care all that much about values for a long time because I didn’t really care about the repercussions of my actions. I knew some things to be wrong, but I did them anyway because I enjoyed what I was doing.
And when you change that, your perspective shifts. You become more critical of what you see going on around you, and what you allow yourself to be a part of. Furthermore, your values can be a shield to protect yourself from negative repercussions because good values steer you away from bad choices.
3. Keeping promises you make to yourself.
It’s not enough to just show up for others. You need to show up for yourself, too. It’s easy to let the promises that you’ve made yourself slide. After all, who is going to hold you accountable for it? That’s right, you are! So, it’s easy enough to just decide not to do the hard thing or make the hard decision because you can just let it slide, right?
Well, no. True self-respect is about honoring the whole self. That means, you need to honor the difficulties that are going to come your way. You need to be able to make the decision, undertake the action, or hold yourself accountable for not following through. You have to be accountable for yourself, as you are the only one who can.
4. Speaking to yourself with kindness, not cruelty.
There is a distinct difference between self-discipline and self-criticism. As the Berkeley Well-Being Institute informs us, self-criticism is about looking for flaws to use as a weapon to cut yourself down with. It focuses too heavily on what you perceive to have wrong about yourself and not enough on solutions.
For example, you can say, “I’m not smart enough,” but that is an inherently unhelpful thought to a person with self-respect. Smart enough for what? For who? What’s the measuring stick we’re going for? And most importantly, does it even matter, or is this just a way that you can make yourself feel bad?
If it is a legitimate issue, there are certainly steps one can take to remedy it. You could read some books, read some news, do logic puzzles, even go back to college. All of those things can you make smarter, and that’s what self-respect and discipline focus on, rather than shortcomings.
5. Owning up to your mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes. A person with true self-respect is not arrogant and will hold themselves accountable for their mistakes. They know that they are going to do right and wrong things. That’s just how life is. They know that they need to have the courage to face their wrongs with the willingness to grow from them to evolve and mature.
It’s odd when you cross paths with someone who can’t take the blame for anything. It stands out so strongly because they are just always trying to avoid accountability for their choices. You just can’t respect or trust someone who won’t admit their mistakes.
6. Walking away from situations that are not right for you.
Not every situation is right for you. The person with true self-respect keeps themselves on the right path by not staying in bad situations. It could be a relationship, job, or even just conversations that erode their self-worth. They don’t stick around and hope it gets better. Instead, they choose their dignity over discomfort.
Even as uncomfortable as it can be, it’s happiness you’re trading away later down the line. For example, if you stay in a lukewarm relationship because it’s not that bad, you’re not available to the right relationship when it finally comes along.
7. Making choices based on long-term self-care, rather than short-term relief.
There are many negative, self-destructive behaviors and bad choices we make to avoid short-term pain. Why bother going through the pain when you can just look for an easy way to avoid it? Sure, life is hard right now, so why don’t I just have a drink and ignore it?
Right there, that’s an issue, because the short-term relief of being drunk and oblivious isn’t going to help the situation any. It’s not coming any closer to a solution. And even then, there may not be a solution to begin with. It could just be one of those things that life throws at you, and you just need to deal with it.
Still, there are healthier choices one can make. It’s valuable to take the time to sit down and feel your emotions. But, at some point, even that can turn into the wrong thing to do if you constantly live in those feelings.
8. Surrounding yourself with people who uplift you.
The people you spend the most time with will have a dramatic effect on who you are as a person. People tend to make choices that reflect their social group, so a good group is a boon to all.
A person with true self-respect is intentional about their environment. They don’t chase acceptance. Instead, they choose mutual respect, accepting and respecting other people as they would like to be accepted. They don’t settle for people who expect them to shrink in order to fit into a box, nor do they do that to others.
A final word…
Nothing is more powerful than self-respect. Self-respect informs the kind of behavior that we will and will not tolerate from others. It’s the gateway through which self-love and compassion lie, because only you can truly protect yourself.
Self-respect is a habit that can be learned, but it can be a hard habit to keep at. There are a lot of occasions where following your own personal compass is going to seem to be more trouble than it’s worth, and those are exactly the times it’s most meaningful.
Otherwise, without self-respect, you may find yourself trapped in an unhappy life of your own creation.
