How can you tell if someone is angry with you if they don’t tell you straight out? Well, speaking from experience here, there are countless ways someone can make their ire towards you known without saying a single word.
How different people express their fuming emotions will vary, but for those who choose subtlety over clear communication, there tend to be certain behaviors they’ll have in common. Be aware of the silent signs listed here, as they’re surefire ways to tell that someone is secretly furious with you, even if they haven’t said a thing.
1. Their body language speaks it loud and clear.
A person’s body language can often say more than words ever could. A work colleague might offer only tight-lipped smiles after you shot down their ideas at a board meeting, or your kid made sure to turn their back towards you for a week after you grounded them.
These are just a couple of examples, but most people’s body language will express how they’re feeling deep down, whether they want it to or not. Even if someone seems to be on okay terms with you, they may not be able to help themselves from crossing their arms over their chest when talking to you, or subconsciously making a sour face at you (i.e., with a clenched jaw or pursed lips) when you speak.
An important note here, though: context is important. Body language can be, and often is, misinterpreted. Rather than looking at the body language in isolation, you need to consider whether there is a change in body language and the individual’s unique ways. For example, some people simply cross their arms because it’s more comfortable that way, and others avoid eye contact because it makes them uncomfortable. If this is just what they’re always like, then in reality, it likely has very little to do with you.
2. Vibes, man.
Many of us are adept at sensing the atmosphere between animals and people. For example, we can generally tell if someone is nervous around dogs because they’ll hold very still and stare wide-eyed at the resident doggo like they’re Cerberus waiting for a snack. Similarly, we can tell if said doggo doesn’t like a person because his hackles will rise, he might sit and stare at this person, or lower his head menacingly.
The same energetics can happen between people. We can generally tell when something’s off or when things are well just by sensing the “vibe” in a room — a very real phenomenon, according to Psychology Today. If you sense that there’s anger or other unpleasantness between you and another person, even if they seem friendly enough on the surface, that’s a surefire (if silent) sign that they actually have a problem with you.
3. Reneging on arrangements.
If someone who’s usually keen to spend time with you cancels plans and hesitates to reschedule, or fails to come through (or show up) on a shared pursuit or project, that’s a silent sign that they’re likely furious with you.
It’s a common behavior shown by people who prefer to avoid confrontation: they’d rather not deal with you at all, than be forced to navigate explaining to you why they’re angry, and potentially fighting with you about the issue. It’s easier to just avoid you until the anger fades, even if that means disappointing both you and others with their absence.
4. Things start going missing or turn up broken.
If a person is silently furious and doesn’t feel that they’re able to express their feelings in a healthy manner, they may choose to exorcise those emotions by breaking or throwing out your things. For example, your food might disappear from the communal fridge at work, or some of your possessions might go missing or turn up “accidentally” broken at home.
This is a passive-aggressive form of revenge that some people take when they’re angry with others, but are too afraid to discuss why they’re feeling that way. This approach — which is really quite childish — is their form of perceived payback and self-empowerment. They may not be able to face you and tell you why they’re angry, but they can feel like they “got their own back” by tossing your leftover pizza to the crows.
5. You stop hearing from them.
This one might be a little obvious, but if you stop hearing from a close friend for a protracted period of time, it could be an indicator that they are quietly fuming with you over a perceived slight. Your texts and calls may go unanswered, and if you reach out to mutual acquaintances to ask what’s going on, they may simply offer to pass the message on, but you never hear back.
If you live with this person, they might give you the silent treatment or only respond with terse, one-word answers. They’ll also take every opportunity to stay away from home, such as working late, visiting family, running errands, and so on.
6. Their behaviour changes significantly.
Behavioral changes are often indicators that a person isn’t happy with you at all. If a person who’s usually chatty with you now just smiles tightly and walks away, or someone who’s treated you respectfully is now competitive with you, interrupts you, or dismisses what you have to say, then they might be very angry with you for whatever reason.
It’s difficult to navigate this if you sincerely have no idea what you might have done wrong. If you do have an idea and you feel bad about it, you can always broach the subject to see if they’re willing to talk to you about it. But if you honestly don’t know what happened, all you can do is try to work with them as best you can and see if they end up talking to you about it eventually.
7. Passive-aggressive retaliation.
If your partner makes you a lovely dinner of shrimp, boiled eggs, olives, and prunes suspended in lime Jello instead of the roast dinner you wanted, that’s a rather solid sign that you’ve done Something Terrible and this is their way of silently expressing their rage towards you. This type of revenge is also a sign that they are pretty emotionally immature.
They might be as sweet as pie and outwardly show no fury whatsoever, but will savor every second you spend trying to choke down the special dessert of herring-wrapped bananas they made just for you.
8. Things important to you get sabotaged.
Maybe the last page of your book has magically disappeared, or your most recent saved game was deleted. The essay you’ve been working on is suddenly a corrupted, irretrievable file, or the sourdough starter you’ve been feeding like it’s your firstborn child now looks like a failed science experiment. Or it has a bunch of knives in it. That’s a good sign too.
When someone is secretly furious with you, they may seek to sabotage things that are important to you as a form of payback. If they aren’t comfortable with wrecking your stuff outright (particularly if you’re a litigious type), then subtle sabotage might be their favored approach.
9. They treat you as though you don’t exist.
This is a “loud” silent sign, but it echoes quite significantly. It goes beyond the silent treatment and involves someone literally behaving as though you don’t exist in their world. For example, if you’re in a work meeting and bring up a topic, they’ll carry on as though you hadn’t said anything at all. Similarly, if you mention something to this person that’s important to you, they’ll keep on doing what they’re focused on or walk away like they didn’t hear you.
As far as they’re concerned, you no longer exist. In fact, if you live with this person, you might come home to find all your things on the lawn and the locks changed, or that they’ve packed up and left without saying a word to you. Their actions have expressed everything that needed to be said.
Final thoughts…
If you experience any of these behaviors, one of two things could be occurring: either you’ve done something truly heinous to deserve the raging fury, or the person in question is overreacting and punishing you disproportionately for your perceived wrongdoing.
Communication is always the best way to move through tension in any relationship, but for that to happen, both parties need a fair amount of maturity as well as mutual respect. You can try to find out why they’re angry, but if they refuse to discuss it, you can’t force them to.
