Most of us have experienced cringeworthy moments in which our self-respect has been shaken. For most of us, these have been educational experiences that encouraged us to change our ways for the better. That way, when we found ourselves in similar circumstances, we could make choices that allowed our self-respect to remain intact.
Unfortunately, those who don’t learn from these mistakes often end up repeating them. The bad choices listed below not only demonstrate a lack of self-respect, but they also create a vicious cycle because they can seriously damage people’s self-respect if they keep making them rather than changing their ways.
1. Not keeping their word.
People who lack self-respect are often unable to keep their promises to others. Self-respect is a keystone, and when someone lacks it, it’s very difficult to maintain any form of purpose or boundary. These people end up being tossed around their own lives at other people’s whim like an old plastic bag in a storm. They might have the best intentions of keeping their word, but as soon as someone else wants something from them, they cave and do that instead.
Those who lack self-respect might also fail to keep their word because they don’t see it as having much value. For example, they might agree to help a friend move, but not show up because that friend probably has plenty of other people assisting, and they won’t be missed. They rarely face any consequences for their poor behavior, and if they do, they shrug it off or numb themselves to it.
2. Not staying true to their purpose.
It’s very difficult to hold true to your stated life goals, or even get basic housework accomplished, when you lack any respect for yourself. People who lack self-respect often have very little to no motivation, as they believe any effort of theirs will inevitably fail or go astray. In a way, they’re looking for evidence that supports their lack of faith in themselves.
When they miss a spot on the floor or forget a deadline, it’s another reminder of how unworthy they are, rather than something that happens to everyone at times. None of us is perfect, and it is through consistent and objective work that things get accomplished.
Those who lack self-respect are very easily turned aside from their higher life calling because they feel utterly unworthy of the things they love and want, and sabotage them to create self-fulfilling prophecies.
3. Saying “yes” when they really want to say “no.”
When people who lack self-respect are confronted with conflict or challenge, it’s very difficult for them to face it head-on. As such, it’s very hard for them to turn around to anyone and say “No” to others’ demands. Their sense of self-worth is so low that they don’t feel that they have any right to decline when someone of “higher value” asks something of them.
I’ve seen this happen so many times: people who don’t like or respect themselves end up becoming doormats and kowtowing to other people’s wants, demands, or even mockery of them. And then they wallow in self-loathing later for not having defended themselves.
4. Not standing up for what they believe in (or people they care about).
When people who lack self-respect encounter confrontation, they’ll likely back down instead of standing up for themselves or others. The likelihood of this happening becomes even greater when it’s related to those that they claim to care about.
They don’t feel strong or confident enough to take action, and will often come up with countless excuses as to why they didn’t take a stand when things got difficult. On a fundamental level, they feel too weak in themselves to risk humiliation or injury, and their self-loathing will only intensify when they realize how badly they let others down by remaining silent or running away.
5. Dating people who mistreat them.
The devil we know can be a lot more comfortable than stranger circumstances. People who lack self-respect often repeat unhealthy dating patterns by getting into relationships with those who remind them of past abusers, and then end up devastated when history repeats itself rather than improving.
Furthermore, they often go this route because they honestly don’t feel that they deserve better treatment from others. Either that, or they feel bad about their own past choices and feel that mistreatment is the penance they have to pay for it.
6. Letting themselves go.
Those who lack self-respect often stop putting effort into their health, appearance, or surroundings because they see no point in bothering to do so. Some feel that they don’t deserve to take care of themselves because they’re horrible, so they deny themselves basic pleasures or self-care like bathing, exercise, grooming, and so on.
They’ve gotten used to not being cared for by others and extend that behavior towards themselves. Some might even try to “own” their lack of self-respect by being intentionally grotty: not bathing or brushing their teeth, being crass or vulgar when talking to others, and so on. Basically, choosing to embrace their self-loathing and elevate it to an art form rather than address the hurt they feel, and doing something to improve it.
7. Following the crowd.
It’s easy for those who lack self-respect to go along with the crowd because the ideas and decisions are already being made by others, who, of course, know far better than they do. Furthermore, Psychology Today tells us that following the crowd is an easy option, because if things go bad for the crowd, responsibility for the crash out isn’t theirs either. It’s the leader’s fault, or the group as a whole, with no personal individual repercussions.
This is a terrible state of affairs because it’s only by personally getting things wrong that introspection, course correction, and meaningful growth can occur. That would require a measure of self-respect and self-assurance, however, which these people are either incapable or unwilling to cultivate. It’s far easier to just bleat along with the herd than risk potential ostracization, even if they hate themselves for going against their nature for the sake of fitting in.
8. Accepting less than what they’re worth.
When your view of yourself is in the pits, any kindness or payment for tasks rendered seems like something to be cherished. As such, it’s very easy for those who lack self-respect to accept pittances that are much lower than their actual worth. It’s a clear sign that someone undervalues themselves.
For example, an artist or craftsman who has a harsh and unfair view of themselves will be far more willing to accept pennies for payment than someone who is confident in their own abilities.
Unfortunately, this is of great benefit to immoral and unscrupulous people who aren’t exactly going to be swift to correct them or try to positively change their self-view. They’ll revel in the fact that they can take advantage of someone’s low self-respect for their own gain. This becomes a vicious cycle, as the one with low self-respect will think even more poorly of themselves for accepting such a pittance, and won’t gain any confidence to break free from the arrangement for potentially greater benefit.
9. Substance abuse.
Self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse may offer temporary, quick fixes when someone is feeling down, but they will inevitably lead to self-loathing and shame spirals.
For example, a person might be feeling awful because they’ve done something to make them lose self-respect. As a result, they’ll turn to drugs or alcohol to numb that feeling so they can experience some euphoria for a while.
But while under the influence, they might say or do some things that they feel intense shame about once they sober up. Then, they feel so awful about what they did when they were drunk or high that they take another dose to make those bad feelings go away. Ad infinitum.
Final thoughts…
Although someone’s self-respect might be damaged (or even lost), that doesn’t mean it can’t be rebuilt or regained. It’s more like a well that can be refilled rather than something that’s been obliterated.
The key is to take small steps towards authenticity and self-acceptance, and to let go of all the negative influences that are contributing to the loss of self-respect. Little by little, by adhering to one’s values and cultivating healthy, reciprocal relationships, self-respect can be nurtured from its tiny seed into a thriving, verdant forest once again.
