A healthy sense of self-worth is the difference between loving yourself and accepting things that you shouldn’t. People with a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth know that there are some things you just don’t do. By doing them, they know they would be devaluing themselves, and communicating to other people that they aren’t as deserving.
To build and preserve your self-worth and self-esteem, you want to stay aware of the following behaviors that are undermining your efforts.
1. Apologizing too much.
As the therapists at Reach Link share, you should not be apologizing for things that don’t require an apology, such as taking up space, asking a question, or expressing an opinion. It may not seem like a harmful thing to apologize, right? Well, when you do that, you are actually communicating to other people that you believe your presence and needs are burdensome.
That’s exactly what you don’t want. You are allowed to have needs, take up space, and have an opinion. It’s not something you earn, and even if it were, why do other people matter in that scenario? They don’t. If someone doesn’t like you for taking up space, having an opinion, or asking a question, then you’re in the wrong company.
2. Downplaying your accomplishments.
Dismissing your own hard work is not an act of humility. Some people mistakenly believe that having any kind of pride in anything is wrong. It kind of makes you wonder if any of these people had ever done anything they were actually proud of in life. If they had, then they wouldn’t be so critical of you feeling good about yourself for something you did.
Mental health experts advise that downplaying your accomplishments has the unintended side effect of warping the perception of the people around you. Other people will often match your energy, so if you say it’s no big deal, they’re likely to accept it as a not big deal, too. However, if you stand tall and say, “I’m proud of the hard work I put into this”, people will see that and respond accordingly.
You deserve recognition for your work. Don’t brush off compliments, write them off as just luck, or dismiss your hard work as nothing. If praise makes you uncomfortable, all you really have to do to accept it with grace is say “thank you” and smile.
3. Valuing others’ opinions more than your own.
You’re prioritizing external validation if you find yourself constantly second-guessing yourself because someone disagrees with you. Other people are just as fallible as you are. Just because someone disagrees, or disagrees loudly, doesn’t mean they’re right. In my experience, loud people with strong opinions are often wrong about many of them.
You have a brain, and you know how to use it. Stand firm if you know what you’re talking about. You don’t necessarily need to entertain other opinions, particularly if those opinions happen to be stupid or ignorant. You also don’t need to entertain idiotic “Devil’s Advocate” arguments done in bad faith that question what you know to be fact.
4. Avoiding opportunities because you’re not ready.
You can’t stop living your life because you don’t feel ready. There’s a pretty good chance that you’re never going to feel ready to apply for that better job, take a risk, or pursue a new challenge ahead of you. Even if you’re afraid you’re not qualified enough, you’re holding yourself back. You may not value your own knowledge and experience appropriately.
Besides, you may not actually know the true qualifications. In many opportunities, like looking for a job, their “requirements” are more of a wishlist of what they hope to find in someone. Unless it’s like a certification or degree, you need. Then yes, you’d need that qualification. But if it’s not a licensing issue, don’t wait until you’re ready; just apply.
Do whatever it is that you’re holding off on instead of waiting for the “right” opportunity. Chances are good that the right opportunity never comes.
5. Over-explaining your choices.
Should you be explaining your choices to people? Yes, to some degree, you often need to explain your thought process to other people affected by it. There’s this constant messaging that you shouldn’t EVER have to explain your choices, and that’s just not how relationships work. Communication is everything.
However, there comes a point where you are explaining too much. You may be trying to win the person over to your point of view. It could also be that you’re in a conflict with someone you care about with regard to a decision you’ve made, and they are trying to pick it apart. At some point, you just have to stop explaining and let people think whatever they want. It’s your life.
6. Putting everyone else’s needs above yours.
Helping others is admirable. However, always putting yourself last often reflects a lack of self-worth rather than generosity. The help given may not be given without strings attached, even if you don’t think you’re putting any on.
As an example, consider Sarah. Sarah is a people-pleaser and puts everyone else’s needs ahead of hers – her family, coworkers, and friends. Yes, she wants to help the people close to her, but she’s not solely driven by that. Instead, she is also trying to “earn” a feeling of love and acceptance. She thinks that maybe if she takes care of other people so selflessly, they will do the same for her.
Unfortunately, they usually won’t. People are pretty self-centered, and Sarah only hurts herself to give so much of herself completely.
7. Accepting less than you deserve.
Tolerating disrespect, undercharging for work, and staying in bad relationships are all signs that you don’t see your true value. “But am I really worth that much?” Yes. You are. You are worthwhile and worthy, and you have to be the primary one to enforce that. It’s about boundaries.
You’re actively causing yourself harm when you tolerate poor behavior. It’s not worth having friends and family that don’t treat you well, because they do damage to you that you’ll have to unmake in therapy later.
And I mention “undercharging for work” because artists and a lot of independent contractors are notorious for not valuing their work properly. You have to believe that what you make is worthwhile, and stand beside it. Otherwise, other people will take advantage of the fact that you are undervalued.
8. Speaking negatively about yourself.
Self-deprecating humor can be funny in small doses. The problem is that your brain can’t always differentiate the emotional context of good and bad statements. If you say, “I’m stupid,” then your subconscious is picking up on that and will hold onto it. It can’t tell that you’re just joking, so you can internalize these statements to the point that they start affecting your perceptions.
Don’t let self-deprecating humor become a default, because you’re not going to talk yourself up in the same way that you joke around. Are you going to sit around and joke about how great and smart and funny you are? Probably not.
Plus, there are a lot of people with low self-esteem who make self-depreciating jokes to mask their self-loathing. Speaking as someone who used to do that, I regret to inform you that most people can very much tell that you hate yourself, and that it’s not a joke. Stop it. Go to therapy if you can.
Final thoughts…
We communicate our values to other people through the boundaries that we keep. If you let yourself be used, unappreciated, and walked all over, then you will attract the kind of people who do these sorts of things. Instead, you want to make sure your self-worth and self-esteem are healthy, because a healthy sense of self-worth will not let you stay in these situations.
It will demand better of you, for yourself. As well it should, it’s what you deserve.
