Have you ever wondered why some marriages remain strong, healthy, and happy for several decades while others peter out after a few years? We aren’t talking about celebrity pairings that are likely bolstered by fame and fortune, but the kind of partnerships in which couples keep holding hands and smiling lovingly at each other right into their 80s or 90s.
The key to happy, long-lasting marriages comes down to healthy habits that the spouses do — either independently or together — that keep these marriages strong until the last star burns out. Here are just some of them.
1. They keep checking in with one another.
People are constantly changing and evolving, and that includes their likes, dislikes, tolerances, and intolerances. As a result, things that a person’s partner enjoyed enthusiastically in their twenties might be despised once they hit their fifties or beyond.
This is why relationship experts say it’s so important for spouses to keep checking in with one another to see if they’re both on the same page. Similarly, it’s just as important to talk regularly about how they’re both feeling. A lot of people try to hide things like illness or discomfort from one another so they don’t cause drama or a burden, but that can breed resentment from both over time. By checking in and showing sincere care, they can adapt to each other’s changing needs accordingly.
2. They perform small acts of kindness for each other.
More often than not, it’s the small kindnesses that people do for one another that make a huge impact, much more than grandiose gestures. Sure, it’s nice to splurge once in a while, but when you and your partner consistently do kind, thoughtful little things for one another, those are the actions that tell each other that there’s sincere care here. According to psychology, this is because these consistent acts reduce uncertainty and provide a sense of emotional security in relationships.
My partner brings me coffee in bed every morning, and will prepare foot baths for me unprompted when I’ve been on my feet all day and he knows they must be aching. In turn, I make sure that his favorite snacks are always stocked in the pantry, and mend his clothes by hand every time they get torn while he’s working. These actions may seem small and insignificant to others, but they mean the world to him and me.
3. They do things on their own.
Togetherness is great, but it’s also incredibly important for both partners to have their own space and alone time. This might involve spending time out of the house — either alone or with friends — or doing their own thing in separate areas under the same roof.
When real trust is present in a loving marriage, spouses don’t need to constantly check in to see what the other is up to. They can go on trips with friends and share stories when they get back, or spend time doing their own thing in separate rooms without the other worrying that they’re being secretive or planning something nefarious.
4. They keep learning about each other.
Since we change so much as we go through life, couples can avoid a significant amount of conflict by paying attention to and monitoring each other’s continued evolution. For example, they might have had favorite foods in the past that they’re now unable to eat due to changed dietary requirements or newly developed allergies, or their physical capabilities have changed for better or worse due to chronic pain, illness, or injury, or because of increased fitness pursuits.
Nothing in nature remains perpetually the same, and expecting perpetual sameness means expecting stagnation. A person who doesn’t pay attention to their spouse’s changes might feel discomfort or even resentment when they suddenly feel that they don’t recognize the person across the breakfast table anymore, whereas the one who monitors these changes will have the opportunity to grow and evolve alongside their chosen life partner instead.
5. They communicate effectively.
We’ve mentioned in other articles how good communication is the foundation for any healthy relationship, but it’s particularly important in marriage. Friendships and acquaintanceships may come and go, but a marital commitment is meant to stand the test of time.
Healthy communication doesn’t just involve being open and honest about things that upset both spouses, but also expressing appreciation and letting your partner know all the things that you enjoy about them. Furthermore, being open and transparent about friendships, financial spending, and relationships with extended family members can help to avoid tension due to misunderstandings or unmet expectations.
6. They do self-work.
Just as important as working on the marriage together is working on the self. Both spouses are going to expand and evolve in their own ways, and will likely also need to work through hurts and issues they’ve experienced in the past. This is why it’s so vital for people to work on themselves as individuals and meet their partners as the best versions of themselves possible. None of us is free of issues, so it’s good to recognize that and wrestle with personal shadows accordingly.
Additionally, people who learn new skills as well as learning about themselves will always have new skills and information to share with their loved ones. There’s something very special about learning something new and getting excited to show or tell one’s spouse all about it.
7. They spend quality time together.
Different people have different ideas about quality time, so it’s important for couples to figure out what it means to them so they can share it accordingly. For example, they may have differing perspectives on what it means to watch a TV show or film together. One might have the expectation of shared attention — i.e., both partners sharing their focus and interest on a thing without distraction — while the other prefers to do a craft while the entertainment plays in the background. It’s important to discuss and negotiate this so neither person ends up feeling hurt or neglected by the other.
For many people, quality time may also include play when both are in the right frame of mind to do so. This might revolve around playing games together, doing fun lessons together like dancing, being silly and ridiculous together, or doing more exciting things like escape room adventures.
Studies show that couples who play together regularly find that this playfulness helps to reignite the “butterflies” that they experienced in the early days of their relationship.
8. They confirm things rather than taking action based on an assumption.
One common mistake that a lot of people make is to jump to conclusions and then become accusatory or aggressive based on the assumptions they’ve made. This can lead to a great deal of stress and hurt, and can even damage the relationship if it happens often enough.
A marriage that stands the test of time is one in which partners ask each other about things that may upset or unnerve them instead of assuming and accusing, and then work together to communicate and decide upon mutual action until the issue is resolved. Words spoken in anger and assumption cannot be taken back, so it’s vitally important to ensure that the issue at hand is real rather than imagined before saying something that can’t be undone.
Final thoughts…
The habits listed here are some of the most important ones that’ll ensure a marriage stands the test of time, and will naturally lead to other traits that can contribute to the health of that marriage. For example, communication and transparency lead to greater trust, while the small acts of kindness ensure that neither party ever feels unseen or taken for granted.
When done regularly, these actions weave together like interlocking chain links, creating a relationship fabric that’s damned near impossible to tear apart.
