Most of us know someone whose litany of complaints about life’s unfairness would put a country western song to shame. The people they fall for want nothing to do with them, their parents are mean to them, they don’t get recognized for their hard work, etc., and it’s always someone else’s fault.
Granted, there may be a morsel of truth in some of the situations they describe, but rather than being proactive in trying to ameliorate their situations, they often resort to passive-aggressive (or even overtly aggressive) behaviors such as the ones listed below, instead.
1. Complaining (despite having the opportunity to improve things).
Those who feel constantly hard done by will often make a point of complaining bitterly to anyone who has the misfortune of being within earshot. For example, a person who was passed over for a promotion at work will gripe to their colleagues about their boss’s biases and how they aren’t recognized for their amazing skills, whether those peers want to hear about it or not. Meanwhile, they’re as sweet as pie to the boss when they walk past, behaving as though everything is fine and dandy.
What they could do instead is book a meeting with the boss for a performance review so they can ask them about areas in which they could improve. They won’t, however, and invariably find various excuses as to why there’s no point (e.g., the boss doesn’t like them, or there’s nepotism involved), and they seem to want sympathy for their complaining rather than taking action to improve their situation.
2. Attention seeking (often inappropriately).
Many people who feel that they aren’t seen or appreciated by their friends, family members, or partners may resort to inappropriate attention-seeking behavior in order to feel that they are a priority in other people’s lives. Some may behave like hypochondriacs, while others create crises to force others to rush to their aid on demand.
Here’s an example: a former friend of mine who constantly expressed the unfairness of her life would turn small issues into emergency scenarios. One night, she texted me “911” around 3 a.m., and I called her back immediately in a blind panic in case she was in the hospital, in prison, etc. No, she was just feeling sad and needed my “sparkle” to make her feel better. That was one of the last times we spoke. She never considered how her selfish behavior affected others, but was wholly fixated on making herself feel better and valued by any means necessary.
3. Manipulating others with weaponized incompetence.
A more passive way that those who feel hard done by may try to get the positive energy and attention they’re craving is to weaponize incompetence so others have little choice but to step up, pick up the slack, and take care of them. For example, they might “accidentally” burn themselves while cooking, so that their partner has to take over that chore, help them attend to their owie, and not ask them to cook again in the future.
When called out about this type of behavior, they might cry about how hurt they are that this person doesn’t really care about them, that they’re stupid and do everything wrong, and no wonder everyone hates them, etc. Ultimately, those around them usually give in and take over just to shut them up.
4. Bullying or other mean-spirited behavior.
Some of the people who feel constantly hard done by will take their frustrations out on others. This type of behavior may appear in early childhood, where someone who feels that their parents favor their sibling will hurt said sibling when the parents aren’t around, or a student who’s envious of a peer will bully them in the schoolyard.
As adults, they may hold grudges for past wrongdoings — even if the issue they’re upset about happened decades earlier — and may still seek to punish the person who made them feel bad way back when. Additionally, they may get jealous easily and refuse to celebrate other people’s good fortune. They’ll invariably find something mean-spirited to say when anyone is excited about an opportunity or proud of an achievement to steal light and joy from them.
5. Miring themselves in self-pity.
These people often try to elicit sympathy and reassurance from other people by exaggerating all of their personal struggles — essentially playing up their victimhood or martyrdom whenever it may benefit them to do so. Furthermore, even though it may be wholly within their ability to improve their situation, they choose not to because then they’ll lose the tools they rely upon to get what they want.
Let’s say there’s a person who fixates on the fact that their parents abandoned them when they were 15. They’re 50 now, still parroting the same lament, having stagnated around the age when their trauma occurred. They’ve had 35 years to get therapy and move forward, but instead they choose self-pity so others will coddle and pamper them to make up for all the hurt they’ve been through. This type often gravitates towards empaths, and will really play up how hard done by they are, so they get the care they feel they lacked in their youth.
6. Looking for easy wins/not seeking any kind of meaningful challenge.
This is rather like the opposite of ego lifting when working out at the gym: instead of trying to lift far beyond their current capability to show off how strong they are, they’ll choose lighter weights to show off how easy it is for them to do so. They shy away from challenges and play it safe because there’s a risk of failure involved, and stick to pursuits that are easily attainable instead.
This behavior may also involve them avoiding responsibility, such as delegating their own work tasks to their colleagues at work. If actions like these lead to them being reprimanded by their superiors, they’ll claim that they were set up to fail, that they had too much work assigned to them, that it’s unfair that their supposed “friend” at the office ratted them out, and so on.
7. Giving up easily.
People who feel perpetually hard done by will often allow themselves to be easily defeated and give up at the slightest setback. This goes along with the easy wins listed above: if they do venture out of their comfort zone and try something new, they’ll give up the moment they come across a skill or task that they don’t excel at immediately, even if it’s the first time they’ve ever tried it.
I came across this behavior with a former housemate whose parents had never taught him how to cook. He lived on cereal and microwave burritos and was jealous whenever the other housemates made things like casseroles, soups, etc., and didn’t share them. We tried to teach him some basics so he could cook for himself more, but when he couldn’t control the knife to chop a potato evenly, he threw the knife and cutting board into the sink, stomped off, ordered a pizza, and didn’t speak to any of us for a week, for “making him feel bad about himself”.
8. Doing the opposite of what was done to them, to others.
Some people try to learn from the mistreatment they received (or perceive they received) and endeavor to be better in their own actions, not realizing that they’re perpetuating the cycle from the other end of the spectrum.
For example, someone whose parents were tough on them about studying and chores might dedicate themselves to giving their own kids the most carefree upbringing imaginable by never burdening them with responsibility, and by doing their homework and projects for them so they can play.
But these great intentions often result in a massive disservice to their kids. Having no chores in their youth means that they won’t learn responsibility and will head into adulthood without knowing how to do basic tasks. Similarly, doing their schoolwork for them will cause great distress when they’re older and have to shoulder school and work responsibilities themselves. That “amazing, fun” parent has essentially crippled their own child, and may have created yet another person who feels hard done by all the time.
Final thoughts…
Very few people get to go through life without experiencing any unfairness. Just about all of us will be rejected by people we’re attracted to without just cause, or miss out on opportunities because someone else had advantages that we didn’t have.
All we can ever do is make the best of what we have to work with now, rather than fixating on what might have been if things had been different for us. It is what it is, and every second we waste lamenting instead of making positive change happen is a second we’ll never get back again.
