You’re kind to others, you listen when they want to talk, and you’re always there to lend a helping hand — the list goes on and on. But for some reason, instead of appreciating your efforts, you end up being taken for granted, used, and sometimes even abused.
Is it something you’re doing or not doing that keeps drawing these people to you?
Well…maybe.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It is not your fault if you’ve been treated badly. No one deserves to be taken for granted or used.
But the truth is, we teach people how to treat us. If we don’t value ourselves, no one else will. So, look at your relationships. Do the people in your life value you? If not, perhaps it’s because you’re teaching them not to by doing one of the following things:
1. You’ve perfected the art of self-criticism.
Your inner critic is the frenemy that knows you better than anyone else. That voice has been with you most of your life. Originally designed as a defense mechanism to protect you from harm, it has become a cage that keeps you small and insecure.
No one criticizes you the way you criticize yourself. In fact, if someone spoke to another person the way you speak to yourself, that person would be labeled abusive. But when you speak to yourself that way, you think you’re just being honest about your shortcomings.
You don’t even wait for others to criticize you. Rather, you tell them all the things that are wrong with you so they don’t have to waste time looking for your faults themselves.
With a mindset like that, it’s not surprising that your self-confidence is low. In your mind, all the different ways that you suck are playing on repeat.
Not only that, but you likely also have difficulty accepting compliments. Whenever someone compliments you, you assume they’re either lying or patronizing you. After all, you’re well aware of all your faults, failings, and shortcomings. Anyone who sees anything good in you must be lying.
2. You think the word “No” is a “four-letter word.”
You may not want to do it, but you’ll do it anyway. Why? Because the thought of saying “No” fills you with anxiety. To you, the word “no” is a “four-letter word”. That is, you see it as somehow taboo or offensive.
Whenever anyone asks for help at work, you’re there. If someone needs help moving, you’re there. Is anyone low on cash? You’re there to lend them (or give, as the case usually is) some money.
Many times, you put yourself under a great deal of stress to meet the additional commitments you’ve taken on. At times, the extra work stops you from delivering the work that’s actually important to you and for you.
But when the thought of saying “no” comes to your head, you start to worry about letting the other person down and hurting their feelings. You wonder what excuse you will give them for saying no. What if they get mad at you when you refuse? The truth is, you don’t need an excuse. “No” is not a four-letter word, but it is a complete sentence.
3. You apologize incessantly.
I knew someone, let’s call him John, who apologized incessantly for things he did and didn’t do at work. Any time it appeared as if someone was going to give negative feedback, he’d rush in to say sorry, whether the feedback was justified or not.
He apologized when he sought clarification. If his perspective on a matter differed from that of another person, he was sorry. John was sorry when someone else was under pressure. It was almost like he was apologizing for existing.
Unfortunately, this led to colleagues viewing John as less capable and, at times, even defensive. It appeared as though John lacked confidence in himself and his ability – not qualities you’d want in a team member. And Harvard Business Review confirms that John is not alone in his experience.
Over time, his colleagues started to question his sincerity. Was he really sorry, or was he just saying he was? Did John apologize in an attempt to downplay his accomplishments and make himself appear humble? All the apologizing eventually led to John having low self-esteem, making him wonder if something was wrong with him.
The bottom line is that overapologizing sends the wrong message both to you and the people you’re apologizing to. It can cause your apologies to lose their significance, and it shows that you don’t value yourself enough.
4. You think if it ain’t perfect, it ain’t good enough.
Ironically, many people who don’t value themselves highly enough set their bar unrealistically high. That’s because they believe that only through flawless performance can they prove their worth and avoid the criticism or rejection they’re so desperately trying to escape.
Logically, you may know that attaining perfection is impossible. But that doesn’t stop you from trying. Whether it’s a work project or personal goals, you keep working on it until it’s “perfect.”
When you’re forced to submit something that hasn’t reached your extremely high standards, you anxiously wait for the negative feedback you’re sure will come. At times, you may even miss deadlines because you’re focused on getting every single bit just right.
You’re terrified of making the tiniest mistake. If one is pointed out to you, it can send you into a downward spiral. This pushes you to overcorrect in a bid to avoid making the same mistake in the future.
When it comes to personal projects, if they’re not perfect, they don’t get done. How many hobbies or goals have you given up on because they weren’t perfect? For example, if you have a goal to train for a marathon five days a week. What happens if you miss a day of training? Do you push through or give up entirely?
You push yourself to reach levels of perfection that no one could possibly achieve and then beat yourself up when you fall short. When you don’t value yourself as you should, you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough.
5. You believe you need to earn love.
Love might be freely given to others, but deep down inside, you think you need to earn it. The concept of you deserving love just because you exist is so foreign to you that you secretly think it’s a scam.
When you don’t value yourself properly, you go out of your way to earn love from your family members and friends. As a result, you’re quick to offer help when someone gives the slightest indication that they’re in need. It’s why you bend over backwards to satisfy everyone’s needs to the detriment of yourself.
You’re trying to earn love and care from those you care about because deep down inside you either don’t believe you deserve to be loved freely or you don’t believe love can be freely given.
6. What other people think is all you think about.
The truth is, people don’t think about you nearly as much as you think they do. They’ve got their issues they’re grappling with. Yet worries about how other people are secretly judging you or laughing about you behind your back have made social interactions excruciating.
You may find that small talk feels like torture by a thousand paper cuts. Meeting new people has become a terrifying ordeal to be avoided at all costs. Trying new hobbies or doing anything outside of your comfort zone requires such Herculean effort on your part that you give up before you even try.
When you don’t have the inner confidence that comes from valuing yourself highly, worrying about what people think about you turns you into an anxious, fearful shell of a person who second-guesses themselves to the point of awkwardness. You essentially overthink yourself into social anxiety.
7. You lack boundaries.
Harley Therapy tells us that boundaries “dictate how people can treat you, how they can behave around you, and what they can expect from you.” They actually help with building healthy relationships since both parties are aware of what’s acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
Yet, when you don’t value yourself, people are constantly crossing your boundaries…or they’re crossing what should be your boundaries if you had any.
Because you fear rejection, dread conflict, losing a cherished relationship, or simply paying the price for disappointing someone, you refuse to establish clear boundaries. So, you push yourself beyond your limits until you physically can’t anymore, or you have some sort of emotional outburst because of the building resentment from being consistently taken for granted.
8. You’re always worried about something.
Have you ever felt as though you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Perhaps you just had some really good news, but you hold yourself back from fully enjoying it. Why? Because you know something bad is about to happen.
It’s not that you’re worried about a specific thing. Rather, you’re worried about something unknown that may happen in the near future. This is common in people who don’t value themselves because they don’t believe they deserve good things to happen to them, so they’re constantly bracing for the inevitable disappointment they think they’re destined for.
You likely find yourself in a constant state of worry. Sometimes, you can’t even pinpoint exactly what you’re worried about. But you know that your mind is not at peace. This, in turn, causes you to doubt yourself and struggle to make decisions. Because you don’t trust in yourself and your value, your mind is constantly thinking up all the different ways the wrong decision could mess everything up.
9. You don’t take self-care seriously.
Self-care isn’t just about going to the spa for a massage or journaling or taking a walk. It’s also about how you take care of yourself in terms of your personal hygiene, appearance, and even your diet.
Are you taking care of yourself in a way that shows that you value yourself? Or do you put little to no thought into the way you look and what you put into your body? Is your personal hygiene a cause for concern?
In the world that we live in, impressions count. Many times, people address us according to the way we are dressed. Whether or not that is fair is up for debate. But arguing about it won’t change our reality.
In your office, it doesn’t matter how smart you are if your team members are struggling to deal with your bad body odor. If you’re dressed as if you don’t care, why should your partner? When your diet is poor, it shows in your health, energy level, skin, hair, nails, etc.
You simply can’t hide your lack of care.
10. Your future looks bleak.
When you look to the future, what do you see? Are you hopeful as you look at your prospects? Do you look forward to tomorrow, next week, or next year?
Or are you fearful about what your future holds? Do you feel as though you have nothing to live for? Are you one of those nihilistic people who believe life is meaningless?
Whether or not your future is actually bleak is not the point. But your perspective on the matter is. Very Well Mind tells us that, “Feelings of hopelessness can make it hard for people with low self-esteem to engage in behaviors that will bring about positive change in their lives.”
Essentially, when you don’t believe you are worthwhile and valuable, you give up on trying to improve your life. You’re not an active participant in your life. Rather, you let the winds of life blow you whichever way it pleases.
Final thoughts…
When you don’t value yourself highly enough, it shows.
You might be doing it unknowingly, unaware that your low self-worth is showing. In fact, you may not even be fully conscious of your actions. But when you encounter someone whose goal is to take advantage, it’s glaring to them.
Now that you know that you display one, two, or even all of these traits, you can take the necessary steps to fix the problem. You can stop undervaluing yourself and change your perspective to see yourself as a high-value person.
Because before you can teach others to see the value in you, you have to first see it for yourself.
