There are countless reasons why some people might seek external validation to feel good about themselves. Some might have felt excluded when they were younger and now do everything they can to feel like they belong, while others thrived on praise in their youth and now crave validation to keep them happy and motivated.
These types of people may feel dejected at first when they don’t get sufficient praise from their peers, but they develop the following great qualities once they realize that they don’t need others’ input to feel good and fulfilled in their own lives.
1. A more energetic and positive outlook.
People who have to spend their days pretending to be someone they’re not, to please those around them, know how exhausting and soul-destroying that can be. You’ve likely seen countless memes on social media about people taking off their masks after they come home from work, or sloughing off their ill-fitting skins so they can actually be authentic at home. These folks aren’t just living a lie for others’ validation: they often lie to themselves, trying to convince themselves that they’re happy in this pantomime life they’ve created.
Many people talk about how much lighter and more positive they feel about existence in general after quitting a soul-sucking job or removing a tiresome, draining person from their life.
I know that in the past I’ve denied my own joy for the sake of making others happy — either in my personal relationships or for the sake of holding onto a job. But as soon as the external weight was removed, my energy, confidence, and hope for the future suddenly soared. Sure, there was a temporary sense of loss or despondency, but the relief of getting rid of the bugbear in question far exceeded the momentary sadness.
2. Security in their independent thoughts.
A lot of folks exhibit bonobo-like behavior inasmuch as they’ll condemn and ostracize those whose thoughts differ from their own. Many of us have witnessed friendships and relationships fall apart when someone has admitted that they don’t share the same opinion as those around them. Suddenly, their so-called friends think that they’re monsters for expressing their authentic, independent thoughts, and refuse to even consider that there may be any validity to them.
People who lose their social circles when they dare to not just think for themselves, but express those thoughts, generally feel lost and depressed when they realise their friends or loved ones don’t care for them unconditionally. This soon passes, however, when they realize that their thoughts are completely valid, and that there are countless other people who either share them or will respect these different ideas without condemning them outright.
3. Emotional independence.
Those who seek external validation are generally hostages to other people’s emotions. They adapt themselves to how others around them feel, and ignore their own feelings in favor of keeping others happy, fulfilled, content, etc. Furthermore, instead of fully experiencing their own emotions, they’ll allow themselves to be unduly influenced by those around them, mirroring the happiness, sadness, or anger of others, even if they don’t actually feel those things: they’ll just pretend to in order to remain part of the team.
Once they stop needing the validation of others, they have the freedom to feel their own emotions, rather than playing along for the sake of others’ acceptance. This may be difficult for some of them at first, especially if they’ve grown accustomed to others telling them how to feel about various subjects, but they’ll soon realize how freeing it is to fully embody (and act upon) their own feelings.
4. Authenticity.
Far too many people hold themselves back from living authentically due to other people’s expectations. They may display body language that feels awkward and wrong to them so they’re accepted by those around them, or choose hobbies and careers that will win them praise rather than bring them joy.
I knew I was with the wrong group of people when I stopped on a hike to stretch out my hamstrings, and they were horrified by my “unconventional” behavior. They just wanted to meander around oohing and aahing at the trees and plants we saw, and were uncomfortable with me displaying athletic behavior that they didn’t personally partake in. You’ll know whether a group is “your people” or not based on whether they support your authentic pursuits or balk when you behave differently than they do.
5. More meaningful interactions and relationships.
When a person feels that they don’t have to say or do specific things to win others’ approval, they can engage with those around them in a far more genuine (and often somewhat altruistic) fashion. Quite simply, despite a person’s best intentions, it’s impossible to do things for purely noble reasons when one of the main driving forces is to win approval.
When a person stops needing to behave in a certain way to win points with others, they seek out connections that are real and true, instead of self-serving. Furthermore, they’re more likely to gravitate towards people they actually find attractive or engaging, rather than simply pursuing those who will help them achieve status or specific goals.
6. Self-esteem based on their own values, not anyone else’s.
This amazing thing happens when you stop caring whether other people think you’re smart enough, hot enough, cool enough, and so on: you start to actually like yourself because of who you are, what you love, and what you can accomplish on your own terms.
Far too many people spend their lives chasing others’ approval, doing things that may permanently damage their bodies, agonizing over their appearance, their pursuits, and so on, to ensure that those who supposedly care about them will find them sufficiently tolerable. When they can let that go, they start to look in the mirror and see a friend rather than an enemy to conquer and control. They begin to value themselves as the amazing individuals that they are, instead of conforming to the clone-like behavior or appearances that those around them seem to demand.
7. Faith.
When someone decides to go their own way and stop craving the validation of others, one thing that often appears is a sincere spiritual pursuit of some kind. They might have been adhering to a particular religion or dogma to fit in with others, or to gain the approval of their friends and family, but their hearts were never actually in it. Maybe the group they were in never allowed them to ask questions without drawing ire, or they were interrogated if they didn’t show sufficient dedication to what they were purporting to believe in.
Once they’re free of that, they will have the freedom to explore other religions and sacred pathways that are more in keeping with how they view the universe and life in general. This authenticity allows them to be able to develop spirituality on their own terms in a way that rings true to their souls.
A crumb of genuine faith is worth a mountain of false genuflection.
Final thoughts…
In bygone eras, not adhering to the tribe’s Groupthink might have resulted in banishment, leading to eventual demise. Few of us live in such close-knit circles anymore that we need others’ validation for personal survival. As a result, we can enjoy life on our own terms, instead of pandering to those who judge or dislike us for being different.
Life is too short to spend as a sycophant to petty tyrants rather than appreciating each individual’s radiant, authentic soul. Let that need for external validation go, and embrace the wonder that is YOU instead.
