Sometimes we accidentally broadcast messages about ourselves that we don’t intend to. When socializing, people are constantly analyzing the situation, and one another, to make their way through it. People may assume you’re not approachable if you’re accidentally throwing off unfriendly vibes.
Assuming you are looking for connection, that’s not a vibe you want to carry because it means that people won’t want to socialize. You’ll be missing out on opportunities to create those connections.
With that in mind, in what ways do we sabotage our own social success?
1. You don’t or only rarely smile first.
As VeryWellMind tells us, a neutral face is often (rightly or wrongly) interpreted as cold or disinterested, even if you’re not. Or, as many people call it, a “resting b**** face” just screams “don’t bother me” to most reasonable people. And, if you have a face like this, you may be thinking, “well, that doesn’t stop other people from intruding on me! They still do, anyway!” Well, the people who aren’t interpreting it that way will. Reasonable people will leave you alone because they think that you don’t want to be bothered.
For some people, a neutral face is just their natural way of being, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But if you’re finding it hindering you from making the connections you’re looking for, an easy solution is to make it a regular habit to briefly offer a smile, and then get back to what you’re doing. A smile often communicates that you’re open to be approached.
2. You avoid initiating contact with others.
Relationships are a two-way street. Neither you nor the other person can be the only one reaching out to try to make a connection. If you wait for others to speak, text, or make plans first you will find yourself alone, sooner or later. People notice when you don’t reach out, and they’ll think you’re either busy or don’t want to talk. It makes you seem uninterested and creates distance.
Instead, do reach out once in a while.
As someone who is on the autistic spectrum and introverted, there are times when I get so wrapped up in my own head that I forget to reach out to other people. Additionally, the social differences that I experience often cause me to feel isolated, and my social connections don’t feel as sturdy as others appear to be.
An approach I often use is simply to match energy. If I get contacted by someone, and we have a discussion, I make sure I reach out to them within about two weeks or so if we aren’t talking. I’ve been doing that for years, and it’s allowed me to bridge some gaps.
3. Your body language is misinterpreted.
There’s a common assumption that minimal eye contact, crossed arms, or standing slightly turned away from where the action is going on signals that you’re guarded and defensive. It’s often described as closed body language. That is, you’re closed off from receiving others, not open.
Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not. For many people, these body language “signals” are grossly misinterpreted. For example, autistic people often find eye contact very uncomfortable, or even painful, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t engaged in what you’re saying. Society could do a lot better at being more understanding and inclusive about different communication style, rather than perpetuating ideas about “correct” body language.
That said, if you’re struggling to make connection, it may be that people are looking at this “closed” body language and thinking, “They don’t want to be bothered” and be on their way.
In this scenario, it’s not about being fake or pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s more that you want to be aware of how other people interpret your body language. If you’re comfortable opening up your body language, you can do so. If you’re not, you might find you connect better with other people who communicate in the same way as you. There’s a lot to be said for “finding your tribe.”
4. Your conversations are practical and short.
There’s nothing wrong with being direct. In fact, it’s a fine quality to have because you can cut to the chase faster than others can. Direct communication keeps everyone on the same page, but there is a synonym for direct – curt. And to be curt is to be short when you speak, which people interpret as your not wanting to talk to them. Other people interpret that to mean you’re not interested in more conversation.
Curtness is socially interpreted as being a rude way to tell someone that you don’t want to talk.
The solution is to insert more warmth into your conversation. It doesn’t take a lot and you can still be direct whilst you’re at it. All you need to do is offer some smiles, and ask some additional questions. How’ve you been? How’s the family? Do anything fun recently? It’s in these kinds of questions that we find connections.
5. You seem to be rushed or distracted.
People will assume you don’t have time for them if your mind is always elsewhere or you’re in a big hurry. Furthermore, if you’re just a busy person in general, they may not want to intrude on your life by interjecting themselves. It’s a good idea to make regular time to maintain and grow your social connections.
As you socialize, you want to make sure you’re aware of your tempo. If you appear to be rushed or curt, other people will assume you’re too busy for them. Stop and talk with them. There are few things more precious that you can give someone than your time.
6. You downplay compliments and attempts at connection.
If someone is trying to bond with you and you brush it off, you may be accidentally closing the door to connection. Most people don’t want to make other people feel uncomfortable, so you don’t want to do things like dismiss compliments or others trying to reach out. Now, this is something I struggled with a lot as a writer for a long time.
I would have people tell me they really liked something I wrote, or that it was great, and I would say, “Oh, it’s not that good! I could’ve done this better…” But a rather direct, stern gentleman set me straight by dutifully informing me, “Don’t tell me what I think or feel. No one’s perfect, and we don’t really expect you to be.”
The good news is that it’s a relatively easy fix. All you have to do to accept a compliment gracefully is smile and say, “Thank you so much! I appreciate you.” The more you do that, the more comfortable you’ll get with receiving compliments. It’s been years, and now I can receive compliments without the cringe feeling.
7. You deflect connection with humor and sarcasm.
Sarcasm and humor are great qualities to have, but like anything too much can be a bad thing. There are some people who armor their vulnerability in humor and sarcasm. They may feel uncomfortable with being vulnerable, so they crack a joke to change the trajectory of the conversation. That way they can distract themselves from the feelings they’re having and cause the other person to change the subject.
That prevents intimacy and meaningful connection because you’re not allowing yourself to take a risk and feel. Really, that’s all every potential connection is – a risk. If you want good things out of life, you have to learn how to take calculated risks so that you can receive and connect with the good things that come your way.
8. You underestimate your own appeal and warmth.
Sometimes, you may have a skewed perspective on yourself which influences how you think other people view you. You may not view what you do as kind or thoughtful, but other people do see that, and they often make note that yes, you are doing these good things.
That’s often tied to low self-esteem and self-worth. Alternatively, it may be that this is just normal for you so you don’t really think about how special your efforts can be. Plus, even if you don’t have a traditionally warm personality, there are plenty of people out there who will like your vibe regardless.
A last word…
The way that we move through the world communicates to other people how we want to be interacted with. Many people look at actions and body language as cues for whether or not we should socialize. If you’re struggling to connect, you may want to be mindful of your body language while you move through life and socialize with others. You should find that you are better able to connect and socialize with other people once you do.
That said, you shouldn’t have to completely change who you are or do things that make you uncomfortable to connect with people. It’s not good for your mental health, those connections won’t be genuine, and people can usually smell fakery a mile off. If you’re not finding the connections you’re seeking, or people frequently misunderstand you, it may be worth considering whether you’re looking in the right places or for the right people.
