It feels awful when you’re the only one putting effort into a relationship. One-sided marriages can make a person feel used and neglected, especially if their efforts aren’t just taken for granted, but either ignored or viewed with contempt.
Unfortunately, a lot of people keep trying to save a relationship even after it has been flatlining for a while. If you feel like you’re putting all you have into your marriage and getting nothing in return, it might be time to consider that at least one of the following painful truths may be your new reality.
1. Your spouse may not be in love with you anymore.
Although traditional marriage vows incorporate the “‘til death do you part” clause, many new vows use “as long as love lasts” instead. The latter vow recognizes that sometimes, love doesn’t last a lifetime: it can fade, or even disappear entirely. This often happens when a couple feels an intense emotional attachment at the beginning, since that spark can’t be maintained long-term.
Over time, the blazing fire you both experienced may have died down to a smoldering coal, and has since cooled to ash — at least for them. They may still care about you as a person and don’t want to hurt you, but it could be that they aren’t in love with you anymore and have no interest in pouring any more energy into what is essentially a dead marriage.
2. They might still be with you solely for the benefits that marriage brings, not because they want to be with you.
A lot of people love the idea of a wedding and all the benefits that a marriage will bring them, and will hone in on a person who can provide them with those things. Sincere love and devotion don’t really enter the picture here: they see their spouse as a means by which they can get their desires met.
They wanted the dreamy wedding, the house, the 2.5 children, the family holiday photos, and so on, but they don’t see their spouse (you) as an actual person who has your own wants, needs, or emotions. You may find your efforts towards the marriage are thwarted unless they align with your spouse’s, because you’re a tool for them, not a life partner. And if anything were to happen to you, they’d simply replace you with a similar model.
3. This person might have used you to get personal security, and now feels like they don’t have to “pretend” anymore.
It may be the case that now that your partner has you “locked in” to marriage, they don’t have to put any effort into winning and keeping you anymore. They’ve gotten what they wanted, and now they can sit back and enjoy the ride. I’ve been in this position, and it felt like as soon as the ring was on my finger, my spouse became a completely different person: content to let me carry all the weight of responsibility in the marriage while he sat back and did the bare minimum.
It’s sad and even scary to realize that the person you thought you married is actually very different from the facade they put forward long enough to sign official paperwork with you. They may have maintained the charade past the date when an annulment would have been permitted, or to meet the prerequisites laid out in a prenuptial agreement. Either way, in cases like these, they’ve only been looking out for themselves and may try to thoroughly screw you over. If this is how it feels, consult with an attorney sooner rather than later.
4. You two may simply not be compatible anymore.
People change a great deal over the course of their lives, and not always in ways that are compatible or complementary. One of you might have had a complete life change that turned who you thought you were inside out, and bears little resemblance to the person who exchanged marriage vows.
In a situation like this, you can put all the effort in the world into your marriage, and it’ll just fall flat. See it rather like putting incompatible species into the same terrarium: if they aren’t keen on eating one another, they’ll likely just try to avoid one another to the best of their ability. They won’t be friends, nor will they mate — they only tolerate one another because they’re currently forced to share space.
5. If they wanted to, they would.
This is one of the most painful truths to acknowledge, because it’s the most heartbreaking. I remember a former partner of mine showing me a beautiful gift that he had made by hand for a coworker for her birthday, which drove home the fact that he had given me my birthday present three days late. And it was a cheap coloring book and some markers he’d picked up at the dollar store near his workplace.
It’s a sad truth that people only put real effort into things that matter to them, so if they aren’t putting effort into you, it’s because they don’t want to. Quite simply, “If they wanted to, they would”. When you allow yourself to acknowledge that they haven’t made an effort for as long as you can remember, you realize the sad truth that, in their mind, you don’t matter enough for them to do so.
6. It might be a case of too little, too late.
It’s a sad truth that in many cases, a spouse will beg and plead for changes to be made for years and years before they finally “switch off” and give up. If it feels like you’re the only one trying in your marriage, it may actually be that you’ve realized that your spouse has had enough and already has one foot out the door, and you are now suddenly doing all you can to salvage your marriage.
In a situation like this, it really is too little, too late. It’s likely that only now that the reality of losing them has kicked in that you’ve gone into overdrive. And you may want to consider whether you actually want to make amends and do what you can to repair the relationship, or whether it’s because you don’t want your life to change.
It’s extremely painful to realize that things are falling apart due to your own actions — or the lack thereof — but if you seem to be the only one trying here, your spouse might have simply given up.
7. Mentally and emotionally, they’re already gone.
Quite often, a person who’s no longer putting any effort into a marriage is someone who’s already divested from it. They may have been trying for years to keep it alive, only to have their efforts fall short of the mark, or not even be acknowledged by their partner. If this is the case in your marriage, there’s a good chance that they’re making plans to serve you with divorce papers over dinner, or move out one day when you’re at work.
At this point, you may feel inclined to try and salvage whatever is left of your marriage, but that ship has already sailed. They have likely already disassociated emotionally and have either given up on romantic relationships permanently or have shifted their energy and attention to the person they want to be with once your divorce is finalized.
Final thoughts…
It’s never easy to face a painful reality, especially when doing so means turning your life upside down. When most people get married, they picture a happy life by their spouse’s side, sharing all of their life experiences and supporting one another through good times as well as bad.
Realizing that those dreams have crumbled to pieces is awful to acknowledge, and even worse is bracing for the upheaval that comes with separation. Unfortunately, the only way out is through, and the first step is accepting reality instead of fighting to maintain an illusion.
