All relationships have their ups and downs, but when both partners are committed to making it work, everything can usually be sorted out. On the other hand, if one partner is over it and has no interest in trying to fix anything, it doesn’t matter how hard the other one fights to fix what’s broken: there’s really no point.
Here are eight signs that your partner has already checked out and there’s no coming back. If any of them seem familiar to you, you might want to start making plans to support your impending singledom.
1. They stop asking you where you’re going or what you’re doing.
When the relationship was going well, they showed an active interest in your social life and personal pursuits. Now you’re in a one sided relationship where they couldn’t give a damn what you’re up to. For example, if you were working on a creative project, they’d ask what it was about and whether they could help, or if you were going out to a get-together, they’d ask how your friends and family are doing.
Now, they just don’t care. If you tell them you’re going out, they may only grunt in response if they bother to acknowledge you at all, and don’t ask when you’re coming back. In fact, when you do get back home, they may show annoyance that you’re back earlier than they would have preferred. They’re not interested in where you went or what you did, or with whom.
2. They don’t do anything for you anymore.
Small acts of kindness — called “caring behaviors” by Psychology Today — are the little things that loving spouses do for one another. For example, my partner brings me coffee in bed every morning as an act of love, and I’ll make him little snack plates while he’s working. We also make a point of helping each other with whatever we’re doing: I’ll stack the firewood he chops, and he’ll read out instructions while I’m knitting something intricate.
When your partner is done with you, they won’t do anything of the sort anymore. This goes beyond just being a bit distant if they’re busy or not feeling great: the only emotion they seem to exhibit towards you is contempt, and they’ll behave as though any needs of yours are unfair or unacceptable to ask of them. All their energy is put towards their own wants and interests, and you aren’t on their priority list at all.
3. They stay away from home as much as possible.
When a person has checked out and is basically done with their partner, they’ll get increasingly more uncomfortable when spending time with them. As a result, they’ll often go out of their way to find reasons to stay away from home whenever they can, according to clinical psychologist, Dr Andrea Bonior.
Your partner may go to work early and stay late more often than not, or take every opportunity to go away on business trips. When they aren’t at work, they may run errands, visit friends and family, take up a hobby that gets them out of the house, or even do volunteer work — whatever will keep them away from home (and you) as much as possible.
4. There’s no intimacy between you at all.
It’s not just that your sex life has dwindled and essentially died: they don’t want you to touch them at all. In addition to having turned you down every time you’ve tried to initiate sex, they also pull away if you so much as touch their arm or try to hug them. You might as well be made of lava, considering how fiercely they try to avoid even brushing against you if they pass you in the hallway.
In addition to a complete loss of physical intimacy, there’s no emotional intimacy between you either. They’ve stopped responding in kind when you tell them you love them, and all of your interactions have the same feeling of forced politeness that people experience when dealing with strangers, or with relatives who don’t particularly like each other.
5. They’ve stopped arguing with you.
When a relationship is starting to go downhill, partners will often argue more and more frequently. Sometimes they’ll pick fights over the most trivial things, while at other times they’ll have loud, overblown arguments over things that they’ve been repressing for years.
In contrast, once a partner is done with you for good, they don’t bother arguing at all. In their mind, you aren’t worth the energy it would take to get worked up about anything anymore. If any kind of conflict does arise, they go “grey rock” with you and barely acknowledge it. They’d rather just walk away, ignore you, or acquiesce to whatever instead of putting any effort into arguing. They just don’t care enough to do so.
6. They don’t share any details about their life with you.
Whereas they might have told you all about their work day when they came home (or after they’ve logged off if you both work from home), now they don’t share any details of what might have transpired. Even if something truly juicy happened that has HR in an uproar, you’d have no idea: they keep it all to themselves.
Similarly, if you ask how their friends or family members are doing, they’ll answer with a one-word answer like “fine” or “good”. You may discover through the grapevine that they’ve gone to a family gathering without you, or that they got a promotion at work, but if someone else hadn’t told you, you’d have never known.
7. There’s no trace left of you in their life, either online or in person.
They’ve deleted their relationship status from places like Facebook (or listed themselves as either single or separated) and taken down any photos they had of the two of you together. In fact, they might have made their profiles private and removed you from their friends list, so you can’t see anything they’ve posted.
If you live together, they’ve likely taken down and put away or discarded any photos of you, as well as any trinkets or mementos of things you’ve done together. Special items you gave them for birthdays or holidays have been discarded, sold, or packed away, and if you’re married and exchanged wedding rings, they haven’t worn theirs in known memory.
8. They’re talking to other people (i.e., potential partners).
You might see them smiling and looking happy when they’re texting on their phone or at their laptop, and then their face will fall when they realize you’re looking at them. You may hear their phone get notifications late at night, and they might also have quiet conversations when they think you can’t hear them. These are giveaway signs that they’re texting someone they’re interested in, or worse, having an emotional affair.
On the off chance that you’ve gone through their phone or computer to see what they’ve been up to, you may discover that they’ve been flirting with other people on social media, or that they have dating profiles on various sites. The person who was formerly your partner now sees you as no more than a barely tolerable housemate, and you can be sure that they’re working on their escape plan: either to move out or force you to do so.
Final thoughts…
Far too many people string partners along after the relationship has already died because they don’t want to be the “bad guy” who ended it. Instead, they’ll get more distant and unpleasant in the hope that their partner will finally throw in the towel, at which point they’ll be absolved of any blame in the breakup.
If you see the signs mentioned here in your own relationship, consider asking your partner flat-out if they want to end things. It’s far better to have a clear answer so you can act decisively than be strung along indefinitely.
