People who have been through a lot of difficulty in life know how important self-preservation can be. Sometimes, we need to do things that others may consider strange or extreme for the sake of keeping ourselves from falling apart.
While self-preservation is extremely important, it’s just as vital to be aware of when and if it becomes damaging. The following behaviors may start out as healthy and protective, but can turn harmful if taken to extremes, or if you aren’t consciously aware of their evolution.
1. Being quick on the draw to cut ties with anything (or anyone) you dislike.
Many self-care “gurus” encourage people to cut off anything (or anyone) that creates a toxic presence in their life. While this is an excellent way to preserve oneself against harmful influences from narcissists, users, and awful work environments, it can also lead to treating other people as entirely disposable or replaceable.
What you consider to be “discernment” may in fact be impulsively dumping any relationship that isn’t perfect in your eyes. For example, as soon as you pass the honeymoon phase of a relationship or experience, in which there are no arguments or conflicts of any kind, and get into a place that involves work, negotiation, and truth, you may cut it off and redirect your energy towards something full of shiny new potential instead.
2. Setting boundaries that end up controlling others.
Those who have been mistreated and used by others in the past know how important it is to set and enforce personal boundaries. These are vital for self-preservation, but things can get toxic if and when you start policing other people’s behavior under the guise of boundaried “self-preservation”.
For example, if you’re feeling insecure in your relationship, you may tell your partner that they aren’t “allowed” to go out with their friends anymore unless you’re with them. That’s controlling, unacceptable behavior under the guise of self-preservation.
3. Avoiding confrontation.
Most sensible, healthy-minded folk don’t like getting into unpleasant circumstances if they can’t help it. In particular, those who have been through extreme difficulty often try to avoid getting into hot water whenever possible, since they know full well what it feels like to get burned — and that includes confrontation, whether with bullies or friends alike.
Sometimes, however, you have to show some teeth and stand your ground; otherwise, it will erode your self-esteem and confidence in yourself. Bravery, like your body or your mind, needs to be exercised once in a while, or it’ll atrophy. Once, when I was much younger, I had to wrestle a rather rash, impulsive friend of mine to the ground as he was convinced that he would be fine jumping off a sizable building. He was drunk at the time, and I didn’t want him badly hurting or killing himself. He later thanked me (gruffly, kind of, still angry that I had tackled him), but if I had prioritized self-preservation over bravery, I might have lost my friend.
4. The self-care journey.
“Self-care” has become a catch-all phrase in recent years, and can involve anything from sound baths and sheet masks to strict diets and exercise regimes. The entire goal of this endeavor is to reduce as much stress in one’s life as possible, while bolstering body, mind, and soul to be able to handle whatever may unfold in life. Unfortunately, some people use self-care as a shield to avoid doing any unpleasant tasks.
For example, you might find ways to avoid chores you don’t want to do — like taking out the garbage, cleaning toilets, and so on — by saying you’re focusing on nurturing yourself and those tasks will undo your progress. But since those tasks still need to be taken care of, it falls on those around you to take care of them. Your “self-care” behavior implies that these tasks (and those who do them) are beneath you, and that you need others to do your adulting for you.
5. Digging deep to “discover” yourself.
Self-reflection is a great thing to do on a regular basis, as it allows you to check in to see if you’re living authentically, and if your actions adequately reflect the type of person you want to be. Unfortunately, intense introspection can lead to self-blame, guilt, depression, and even paralysis.
You may become so critical about all the things you did in the past and feel such shame about them that you break down and can’t function properly anymore. It’s great to hold yourself accountable for past errors, but mistakes are learning opportunities, not life sentences. Don’t harbor anger and resentment towards the past version of yourself who was doing the best they could at the time.
6. Insisting on “staying safe” by any means necessary.
Many people mistake comfort for safety and have conflated the two to mean the same thing. As a result, they don’t just actively avoid anything that causes them discomfort: they behave as though their lives are in peril if they come across any situation they dislike or don’t want.
Asking one of your workplace security guards to walk with you to your car if you need to navigate a dark parking garage late at night is perfectly understandable, and even a wise move depending on where you live. Screaming at someone at the grocery store because their cart is too close to yours and that’s making you feel “unsafe” is not. Nor is demanding that someone be removed from a group chat or other online space for being “dangerous” because they’re discussing things that you don’t want to hear about.
7. Letting others make their own mistakes.
Allowing people to learn and grow on their own terms — including by making questionable life choices — is a regrettable-but-necessary part of life. It’s difficult to sit by and let someone you care about potentially self-destruct by doing something you know is going to come back and bite them later. But it’s often necessary to refrain from getting involved if there’s a risk of you getting pulled down into their quagmire when and if you try to help.
While self-preservation is often needed in situations like this, things can turn toxic if the reality is that you don’t want to get involved due to laziness, apathy, or even contempt. Choosing not to lend a hand when you’re capable of doing so, at no risk to your own well-being, can result in something potentially tragic and entirely irreversible.
8. Using health issues or vulnerabilities as crutches.
A person who’s broken a leg bone is going to be careful about using it in the future so they don’t get hurt again. That’s completely understandable. Also understandable is them leaning on friends and family to help them with daily things until they’ve healed up.
After they’ve recovered, however, it’s important not only to bounce back as quickly as possible but also to give as much as they can to those who supported them to ensure that they don’t feel taken for a ride. If you use past injuries or poor health as an excuse to take advantage of others indefinitely, that’ll only result in poor feelings, contempt, and a loss of respect towards you.
9. Isolation and extreme self-reliance.
Those who have been hurt in the past, either by partners or by false friends who have ended up using them, may become extremely selective with the company they keep. If you’ve been in that position before, you’re likely very discerning about who you allow close to you. You may refrain from showing vulnerability towards others, preferring to do as much as you can by yourself — keeping others at a distance and not trusting people much at all.
The problem with extreme self-reliance is that you can end up sabotaging your efforts, or even suffering harm if you don’t let anyone help you when help is actually needed. Furthermore, you may find that you’ve become terribly lonely because you’ve pared your social circle down to almost nothing.
Final thoughts…
As with all things in life, balance is the key to aim for. Extremism in any direction can end up being harmful in the long run, and those who are steadfast about self-preservation can suffer just as much as those who are completely open to being taken advantage of by all around them.
Take care of yourself, make wise decisions that will yield the healthiest and most beneficial results for everyone involved, but make sure that you don’t discard your humanity as you strive to safeguard it.
