Not everyone who minimizes their socialization is antisocial. In fact, some people are just extremely selective about who they allow into their closest circles.
Some folks have small social circles composed of people who don’t drain them as fast as others. This is often the case for those who are introverted or autistic. That doesn’t mean they can’t have a big friend group; it’s just much harder for them to maintain.
There is a difference between wanting to keep small circles and being antisocial.
Look for these signs to tell the difference.
1. You value meaningful conversations over idle chatter and small talk.
The people who choose to be antisocial often don’t crave meaningful connections and conversations. Instead, they just want to be alone, so they don’t worry about the quality of a conversation that they’re not going to have. Someone who values a small circle may not enjoy small talk, but still wants to experience and share those deep conversations with others.
Small talk can feel draining when you’re craving authentic conversations about subjects that matter. You may not be interested in gossip and rumors, hoping for something more substantial, like conversations about art, politics, life, and that sort of thing.
However, small talk doesn’t have to be a dirty word. It can be helpful for providing the social lubrication to get into the deeper subjects that you’d like to explore with other people. Taking an interest in the other person provides quite a bit of conversation material, and it opens the door that leads deeper into that person’s opinions and mind.
2. You protect your energy and personal space carefully.
Your experiences with other people have likely taught you that not everyone is deserving of your time and attention. Many people are time-wasters. They sink their claws into you, demand a bunch of your time for petty or tedious reasons that don’t matter, and then waste your time. Not only that, but some are just emotional vampires who will suck your happiness dry if you let them.
That doesn’t mean you don’t want people around you, which would make you antisocial. That just means that you are choosy about who you let get close to you.
Not to mention, we are so heavily influenced by the people we surround ourselves with. As Psychology Today shares, it’s pretty hard to build and maintain your happiness if you’re surrounded by miserable people. Really, everyone should be selective about who they let be close to them. It’s not selfishness – it’s self-respect and healthy boundaries.
3. You’re an introvert who enjoys solitude over big crowds.
There’s a misconception about introverts that they don’t like socialization. That’s true for some, but definitely not for everyone. Introverts do get involved in socialization, and they can sometimes be incredibly outgoing when they’re mingling. But they tend to shine more in small social circles than they do in large functions or gatherings. It’s not that they don’t want to socialize, though.
They’re often not afraid of being alone because alone time is time to recharge one’s social batteries, have some peace and quiet, and work on their hobbies. An introvert doesn’t generally need other people to feel validated or fulfilled. Still, they will be interested in connecting with other people from time to time, even if they only have one or two good friends or a small casual group to associate with.
4. You prioritize quality over quantity in your relationships.
You’ve identified that not everyone deserves to be in your social circles. There are some people who just don’t fit, not necessarily because they’re bad people, but because they don’t offer much quality of relationship. That is, they may not be invested in knowing you, may be inconsistent or cancel plans, or only reach out to you when they need something.
Why bother with those kinds of relationships? It’s a waste of time, energy, and space for people who will be engaged in the relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with being choosy. You only have so many hours in the day, and once that time is gone, then it’s gone. Antisocial people prefer to choose no one, instead of being picky.
5. You’re not afraid to say “no” to social gatherings.
Instead of avoiding all social gatherings like an antisocial person would, you may have just decided that big social gatherings are no longer for you. Maybe they’re stressful, anxiety-inducing, or just overwhelming. Whatever the reason, it isn’t that you don’t want to be around people at all; you just don’t want to be around the larger groups of people.
It’s a healthy boundary to set if you find that you’re getting pulled into these larger social gatherings more often than not. Smaller settings offer more chances for deeper conversations and developing more intimate connections with people because you can spend more time with them. If a gathering doesn’t align with your energy or values, you’ll have no problems turning down the invite.
6. You connect deeply with people who “get it”.
Every once in a while, you will meet someone who is just on your vibe. You connect almost immediately with them, and it just feels right, like it’s meant to be. After you experience that, it’s really hard to try to force other connections to work. They feel so shallow and superficial that it’s almost not worth it. Like, why would I spend my time on a shallow connection when I can be patient and connect with others?
This is something I’ve personally experienced many times over the years. You just meet someone, and they feel right, like they were always supposed to be there. It’s a feeling of, “Oh, there you are. Where have you been?” Even though you’ve never met the person in your life. Meeting someone on a compatible level with you is well worth waiting for, as long as you’re not wasting your time on others.
7. You don’t chase social approval.
External validation requires you to seek approval and fulfillment from outside of yourself, typically from other people. Those with strong internal validation don’t feel the need to do the social dance just to earn some companionship. That can look like an antisocial attitude if you don’t understand how that person functions.
People who need external validation chase it frequently, often socializing for the express purpose of earning validation. They have to, so that they can feel good about themselves.
On the other hand, the antisocial person not only rejects social approval, but they also don’t need anyone for validation. They tend to either not conceptualize the idea due to their brain working differently from the norm, or they just feel no compulsion or need for it.
A last word…
At the root of this issue is a relatively simple answer. Do you enjoy socialization at all? Now, you may not enjoy it in large groups or like meeting a bunch of strangers, but you’re still good with being around people. You may have or desire close friends, or be willing to put in the work to develop those friendships.
Antisocial people just don’t want to be around people. That could be because of mental health reasons. It could also be due to trauma or having bad experiences with other people, which caused you to close off. Still, even then, you may not be entirely antisocial. You may just need to be in a position to feel safe, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
