Most humans are social creatures, but the greatest thing about us is our diversity. We all have different likes and dislikes, and what makes one person feel cozy and comfortable may cause someone else to run for the nearest hills.
This is particularly true for those who prefer to be alone: they don’t just like their own company, they prefer it over spending time with others pretty much all the time. If someone you know displays the following behaviors on a regular basis, you can be sure that they’re not lonely: they really do love being alone.
1. They prefer silence.
Many people are herd animals, and that’s fine — that’s just how they’re wired. They feel uncomfortable when things are too quiet, so if they’re stuck by themselves for even a short period of time, they’ll play music, stream a TV series in the background, or call a friend: anything to stop the dreaded whirling of their own thoughts in a sea of silence.
This is quite the opposite for people who prefer to be alone. These folks start to get antsy if they’re stuck in a crowd of people for more than about 20 minutes, at which point they’ll find an excuse to leave. Those who prefer to be alone often love to sit in silence because they get overstimulated easily, and quiet spaces allow their nervous systems to recalibrate. They can be alone with their thoughts rather than barraged by sound and stimuli from all directions.
2. They love to spend time alone in wild and beautiful places.
Life can be overwhelming at times, and people respond to stressful situations in different ways. Some turn to their friends or family to help support them through difficulty, while those who prefer to be alone will retreat far away from other humans for a while. Some even risk potential harm by travelling alone to areas that might scare or intimidate others.
If you see a friend packing up to go backpacking in the wilderness for a few days, you can be pretty sure that their love of solitude and nature far outshines any fear they may have of journeying out alone. They want to hear the wind move through the trees and enjoy a lovely sunset with their trusted thermos, rather than hear about whatever Aunt Hilda’s been doing with her bunions for the 600th time.
3. Going to concerts and other public events on their own.
If someone really wants to attend a concert, go to a museum, or check out a local attraction, but none of their friends share their enthusiasm, do they just not go? For someone like me who loves to do things solo, this concept is inconceivable. Attending these things by yourself allows you to come and go as you please, take whatever time you like to admire objects, and so on.
Meanwhile, most other people seem horrified by this idea and need company whenever they go out to a function. It may be that they’re socially awkward and like to have someone with them for company, so that they don’t feel anxious and alone, but attending things without the need to constantly interact with others is an immensely freeing experience. All of your attention is on the event at hand, rather than being distracted by conversation or making sure your friend is also enjoying themselves.
4. Dining alone in public.
The vast majority of people are appalled at the idea of eating alone in a public place. If they have to travel out of town for business, for example, they’ll often order food delivered to their hotel, or they’ll pick up snacks and scuttle back to their room with it. Their worst nightmare is dining by themselves at a restaurant where others might judge them for their solitude, assuming that nobody likes them enough to share a meal with them.
Someone who loves to be alone, however, is perfectly content to go out to eat on their own. They can order what they like without judgment and maybe read a book or play a game while enjoying their meal uninterrupted. When I was travelling a great deal, one of my favorite things to do was to pick a little restaurant on a little side street, order the house special, and have a lovely meal on my own without distractions.
5. Reading or hanging out in a park.
For city dwellers who love to spend time alone, taking a blanket to a nearby park and chilling out there alone is one of life’s sweetest pleasures. It’s an opportunity to enjoy green space (or the sweet crispness of autumn), without having to keep anyone else entertained. You can get lost in a book, take breaks to do some stretching, or simply lie back and cloud watch for a while.
Sadly, most women have a harder time with this than men do, as they’ll often be interrupted by those who feel that being alone in public is an invitation to be intruded upon. Furthermore, expressing the desire to be left alone often inspires aggression and bitterness. But nobody is under any obligation to engage with those who bother them when alone, and solitude-seekers are wholly unapologetic about expressing their desire for quiet. Even if that means barking like a rabid pitbull until the person goes away.
6. Turning down invitations.
When someone says “no thank you” to invitations without an apology or explanation, it’s usually a surefire sign that a person loves to be alone. This is particularly true if the invitation is to something that most people would love to do, like an exclusive dinner with an A-list celebrity, or a chocolate-sampling evening at a local castle.
Instead of saying that they’re sorry they can’t go because they need to trim their Guinea pig’s toenails, they’ll just thank the person for inviting them and say they won’t be able to attend. To them, nothing is more appealing than spending time alone, doing their own thing. And if they feel like having some chocolate fondue, they’ll plug a crockpot into the outlet beside the couch and have at it.
7. Getting thoroughly irritated if people stop by without warning.
While some folks are delighted to be surprised by those who stop by without advance warning, those who love to be alone do not respond the same way. If someone shows up unannounced, they’ll ask them why they’re there and why they didn’t call or text ahead. You’ll be able to tell by their body language and tone that they’re patently unimpressed, and that this “surprise” is most unwelcome.
They’ll become even more incendiary if the person who has stopped by tries to insist upon staying, seeing as how they’ve gone through all the trouble to visit and don’t seem to be appreciated. The person who’s perfectly happy with their alone time may be inclined to turn the hose on well-wishers and proselytizers alike, just to protect their peace and solitude.
8. Having items outside their house that let others know how they feel.
You can tell a great deal about a person by how they decorate their front door and immediate surroundings. They place cozy chairs on the porch, have friendly-looking wreaths and lighting, and signs that literally say “WELCOME!” on or around the door.
Meanwhile, the person who loves to be alone is more likely to have a doormat that says, “GO AWAY” or “There is no reason for you to be here”, along with other decor that leaves nothing to the imagination as far as their preference for solitude is concerned. Basically, they make it abundantly clear that no visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations are welcome.
Final thoughts…
Many Hallmark films have given people the mistaken idea that those who choose solitude are actually lonely, unhappy people, and all they need is someone to be persistent in their efforts to make friends.
In reality, disrespecting their desire for solitude is the best way to ensure that they’ll ignore and avoid you indefinitely, or pack up and move to Svalbard as soon as they possibly can. There’s nothing “wrong” with someone who prefers to be alone: solitude is their happy place; so let them come to you on their own terms.
