Radical honesty is one of the most important parts of self-improvement. You have to be able to both identify and accept when changes need to be made. Solitude versus isolation is one such area where it’s easy to confuse and delude oneself. Why? Well, because in many cases, we choose solitude out of spite, anger, or hurt.
“I don’t need anyone to be happy!” Fair enough. However, that kind of approach keeps you from addressing issues that may be disrupting your peace and happiness. So how do you tell the difference?
1. Do I feel re-energized or drained by my alone time?
As Verywell Mind informs us, almost everyone needs some alone time to recharge. Not just introverts, but everyone, though some more than others. When you’re choosing healthy solitude, it’s going to help re-energize you or bring you some peace that you weren’t able to find while in the mix with other people.
However, if it’s unwanted isolation, you’re going to feel drained because you’re yearning for connection and not getting it. Instead of charging you up, the solitude becomes loneliness, and you’ll just feel drained instead.
2. Do I feel peaceful or lonely?
Loneliness is a sure indicator that what you’re experiencing is not coming from a healthy place. It’s a negative feeling that will fuel depression and can have serious consequences on your health.
Research shows that loneliness is a significant contributor to worsening mental health in older people, and it certainly doesn’t help those of us who aren’t seniors, either. It adds stress to your life instead of providing the relief of peace.
3. Do I feel like I have a choice?
Are you choosing to be alone, or does it feel more like you are just condemned to this fate? Do you feel resigned that nothing is working out right, so why bother trying? Resignation prevents us from trying when we need to continue on. But if you don’t try, then you’ll never succeed. And as the American Psychological Association shares, that just fuels even more depression and unhappiness.
In contrast, solitude is something you’ll see as a welcome relief rather than an imposition.
4. Do I still have the ability to make a connection?
Are you able to still reach out to other people to make a connection when you need it? Or is the solitude something imposed on you by the boundaries of others? It could also be that it feels like a punishment, like the silent treatment, where the other person isn’t willing to communicate. The imposition of isolation cuts off options to meaningfully connect with other people.
So ask yourself, even if you don’t talk to your friends all that often, can you still make a call or send a text and have a conversation? If you can’t, then it’s probably unhealthy isolation.
5. Does it feel temporary or like there is no end in sight?
Chosen solitude is something you choose. An obvious statement, right? The need for solitude is often a rhythm. You put out a lot of energy, you give a lot of yourself, and then your brain starts feeling like, “Oh, I need a break from people for a little while.” So then, you take some time for yourself, recharge, and come back to socialization later after you feel refreshed.
On the other hand, when unwanted isolation is imposed on you, there’s no rhythm to it. You can’t make the choice to start socializing with your friends again because there’s no one to reach out to.
6. Am I protected by boundaries or imprisoned by barriers?
The difference between a boundary and a barrier is that a boundary can be easily moved if you so choose. It’s like a closed, locked door. You can choose to unlock it and let yourself out. However, if you find that you can’t let yourself out of your solitude, then you may be walled in by barriers instead.
What’s more, a barrier is not necessarily something you have control over. In fact, it may be imposed on you by outside circumstances, like being in a jail cell. Barriers can also be imposed on you by other people, such as when they’re enforcing one of their boundaries. At which point, you just have to accept their boundary and move on.
7. Am I looking forward to reconnecting, or do I have negative feelings about it?
When you choose to take some time for yourself, it’s because you generally just need some alone time. You know that eventually you’ll jump back into your life and keep moving forward as you were. You’ll reconnect with people and get back into your groove.
However, if you have negative feelings about trying to reconnect with others, that is often an unhealthy sign. Feeling nervous, anxious, or dreading an attempt to connect with others usually means that you are either hiding from connection or that solitude wasn’t something you wanted in the first place. You may even find yourself anxious about whether or not you can reconnect with people.
8. Do I feel as if it’s an act of self-compassion or punishment?
Those who struggle with self-worth and self-esteem often don’t feel worthy of the attention of other people. In this case, instead of solitude being a welcome reprieve and just some time to yourself, it could feel more like a punishment for not being good enough, even though you are. Maybe you feel like you don’t deserve to ask for the time and attention of others, but you do.
The world doesn’t see you through your own eyes. No matter how bad or undeserving you believe you are, everyone deserves to have the comfort of camaraderie and friendship.
9. Am I just trying to survive something I’m going through?
Depression and trauma can fuel isolating behaviors. Sometimes, it’s just easier to be alone than to try to navigate complex emotions, talk about them, or even just be around happy people at times. Sometimes, just seeing someone else happy can be such a deep, depressive trigger. That was true for me for a long time.
I’ve lived with mild to severe depression for a few decades now. In the times when I was most unwell, I would withdraw from people because I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to be sociable. I just wanted to be alone, so I wouldn’t have to think about it, talk about it, or even see happy people around me.
I wanted them far, far away from me, which just fueled my depression even more. Loneliness and isolation will do that. But sometimes that’s just the choice you have to make because not everyone can sit with someone in their darkness. Sometimes you do have to isolate to survive.
Final thoughts…
Chosen solitude is a much different feeling from imposed isolation. Chosen solitude is the result of personal growth, of understanding your needs and choosing to take time for yourself. It’s something you can come back from whenever you so desire because it is a choice.
However, you may find yourself in isolation, disconnected from people in any kind of meaningful way. You don’t have the choice to just reconnect, and the time you spend by yourself brings negative feelings. That may be loneliness, depression, sadness, or numbness. Isolating out of survival or imposition doesn’t feel good.
And once you understand the difference, it should be easy to see.
