Many of us have experienced situations in which the people who have constantly leaned on us during hard times are magically absent when we need them in turn. In fact, we may have needed their help quite urgently, but the person whose calls we always pick up, whose hands we’ve held, and whose tears we’ve wiped away is nowhere to be found.
If you’re everyone else’s pillar of support, but nobody ever checks to see whether you’re still standing on solid ground, then be warned: you may end up facing the consequences we discuss here.
1. Inevitable burnout.
Those who are pillars in their social circles — the ones others turn to for reassurance, guidance, and other types of help, day and night — inevitably end up burning out from the constant output.
While it may give you a great sense of purpose to perpetually put others’ needs ahead of your own and to be needed by so many, prioritizing their needs while neglecting your own will wear you down over time. You can’t be everything to everyone at the expense of your own well-being without it catching up to you eventually.
2. Disappointment in the people you trusted to love and care about you.
There are few things as heartbreaking as finding out that “I’m here if you need me” will inevitably be followed by excuses, avoidance, or even silence when you do speak up and reach out to your supposed social network. While it’s awful to come to this realization about the people you’ve cultivated friendships with, it’s downright devastating when it comes from a partner or family member.
Suddenly, the person whom you might have carried through thick and thin, even though it wore you down to the marrow to do so, can’t be bothered to see if you’re okay or not. This happened to a friend of mine who nursed her partner through Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, only to have him practically abandon her when she was pregnant with his child.
She was on the bathroom floor, weak and dizzy from vomiting, and he called to ask when she’d be preparing dinner. Not inquiring how she was feeling, nor how he could help: just when she’d be available to meet his needs again.
3. Lack of help when it’s really needed.
When a person suddenly needs help from their “tribe”, they’ll swiftly find out who truly cares and who’s a fair-weather friend who’s just around for the fun stuff. This happened to me years ago when I got seriously ill. The people I reached out to — whom I had helped repeatedly over the years, through everything from cancer to divorce — all had more important, more urgent things to do. Like laundry.
I actually found myself wondering whether any of them would check in on me, or if my high fever would end me, and my landlord would find my cats feasting on my remains before my “friends” ever bothered to notice.
When you’re perpetually seen as the one others lean on, that becomes a role that solidifies in their minds. They don’t see you as a multifaceted individual who may need help in turn at some point. Instead, rather like children, they see you as a parental or caregiving archetype who’s perpetually outputting for their needs, but has none of their own.
As such, when you do reach out for reciprocal help, it shatters that illusion for them, and they don’t know how to process it. They simply withdraw until the dynamic shifts back to the one they’re more comfortable with perpetuating.
4. Resentment.
Always being the one that others lean on can cause a significant amount of resentment over time, especially if the topic has been broached on numerous occasions. Even the most generous people can start feeling resentful if those who claim to care about them just keep on taking from and using them, without expressing any gratitude or doing kind things for them in return. Over time, that resentment will grow into anger and bitterness. You may even stop doing kind things for others altogether, since you’ve been mistreated rather than appreciated or doted upon in turn.
It’s important to note that if you’re feeling resentment but haven’t spoken up about it, then you’ll need to take steps to balance out this relationship. Otherwise, people will assume that your silence means that you’re perfectly happy with maintaining the status quo. They won’t know that you’re unhappy and feeling used unless you tell them as much.
5. Potentially abusive relationships.
People who are perpetually the ones that others lean on are often empaths who do everything they can to make other people’s lives full and happy. As such, they tend to be preyed upon by narcissists and other users who will use them until they fall apart, at which point their supply person will be discarded for the next, energy-filled victim.
You may be innately drawn to people who have been through a lot in life because you want to do kind things for them, but that can leave you vulnerable to all kinds of mistreatment. This isn’t limited to romantic relationships, either: friendships can be just as abusive over time, especially if there are disparities between the people involved. For example, if you’re older or disabled, those with nefarious intentions may seek to take advantage of your generosity and any potential naivete.
6. Loss of personal property.
Most of us have experienced situations in which people we knew borrowed money or items from us on a regular basis, but never reciprocated. Maybe they were always conveniently broke when it came time to pay us back, or they might have even had the audacity to say that they don’t lend their things to other people, despite having borrowed ours rather enthusiastically.
You may be eager and excited to share things with others on a regular basis, but unless they’ve proven to you that they can be trusted to return these items, be prepared to say goodbye to them forever. Be very wary about lending prized possessions like rare books or expensive tools, as you may never be able to replace them if the person in question walks off with them forever.
7. Depression at realizing you’re seen as a tool or a function, not a valued individual.
Small children are often baffled when they realize that their parents are people who have thoughts and feelings of their own, and don’t exist solely to meet all of their kids’ needs. Unfortunately, many people fail to grow out of this viewpoint and only view others as tools to use when needed. They don’t even think about those other people if they’re out of sight, or unnecessary in the moment — rather like a bottle opener that you pay no attention to until you need a beer.
When you realize that those around you only see you as a means of getting their needs met, it can be truly devastating. You may struggle to see your worth as an individual rather than in relation to other people.
Final thoughts…
It is beyond noble and admirable to be the rock for everyone around you; the person everyone knows they can count on to be there for them no matter what. What’s also important, however, is to ensure that some of the people you’re putting energy into are those who will reciprocate when you find yourself in need.
Otherwise, it’s an unbalanced, one-sided relationship that will disappear as soon as your hearth burns out. Keep your own fire fueled, and be very selective about whom you offer light and warmth to in the future.
