If you find that you’re overly reliant upon external validation to feel good about yourself, first of all, please don’t be unkind to the person you see in the mirror. This behavior doesn’t develop in a vacuum: there’s a high chance that people in your past did a number on your self-esteem, making you more dependent on others for your sense of self-worth. But this can be changed. The psychological principles we’re going to touch upon here can be utilised to help you to lean more on yourself than others as far as validation is concerned.
1. Challenging your thought patterns and associated behaviors using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be very effective for lowering your need for external validation, because it encourages you to identify and challenge negative thought patterns when they rear their ugly little heads, rather than believing that they’re true. Once you’ve identified them, you can make a conscious decision to alter your behavior by changing your perspective.
CBT involves systematically examining the evidence for and against your thoughts, identifying patterns of thinking that might be distorted, and practicing new responses over time.
For example, let’s say you only feel attractive if your partner notices when you wear certain clothes. Up until now, you’ve relied upon them and their attention to bolster your self-esteem. With CBT, you can recognize this behavior and start to challenge it by asking yourself questions like: “What evidence do I have that I’m only attractive when my partner comments on it?” and “Have I ever felt good about my appearance independently?”
You might then conduct what therapists call a “behavioral experiment.” For example, in this case, wearing an outfit you love and paying attention to how you actually feel in it, regardless of whether anyone comments. Over time, with practice, you can take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that you look amazing. You don’t need anyone else to tell you that!
If your need for external validation runs deep, though, working with a trained CBT therapist can be incredibly helpful. They can guide you through the process, help you spot thinking patterns you might miss on your own, and keep you accountable as you practice new behaviors. That said, you can also apply many CBT principles independently with the help of guided self-help books or online courses — just be patient with yourself as you learn.
2. Using dialectical behavioral therapy techniques, particularly if you struggle with identifying your emotions before they become overwhelming.
DBT is the sister of CBT, but it’s got its own distinct approach. It combines cognitive-behavioral techniques with mindfulness practices and acceptance strategies. The “dialectical” part refers to balancing acceptance of yourself as you are right now with the need for change — holding both truths at once.
DBT particularly shines for people who experience intense emotions that can feel overwhelming or out of control. If you’ve ever felt like your feelings hit you like a tidal wave, leaving you scrambling for someone else to tell you that what you’re experiencing is valid or to help calm you down, DBT skills might be exactly what you need. A lot of neurodivergent folk, for example, find they do much better with DBT than CBT.
When it comes to reducing your need for external validation specifically, DBT can help you learn techniques for seeing both sides of a situation (which lessens black-and-white thinking), grounding yourself when emotions spike, and validating your own experiences instead of constantly needing someone else to do that for you.
There are excellent DBT workbooks and resources available that can teach you these skills independently, though if you’re really struggling with emotional overwhelm, working with a therapist trained in DBT is going to give you the best results.
3. Redefining what approval means to you using self-determination theory.
Instead of measuring your success or basing your decisions on whether you’ve earned a gold star from someone else (extrinsic motivation), you can use self-determination theory to develop your intrinsic motivation (measuring your success based on how you feel about your progress, your accomplishments, etc.).
If you’re an intense overachiever who measures your worth by how well others say you’re doing, this behavior may be difficult for you, but it might also be one of the most important techniques you can learn.
One of the best ways to do this is to set yourself mini goals to achieve that allow you to have “little wins”. By doing so, you’ll see tangible evidence of your progress, which will encourage you to keep going on your own terms, rather than via someone else’s approval.
In practice, this might look like identifying the goals that genuinely matter to you — not what would impress your friends or your Instagram followers, but what you actually want to achieve or learn. Whatever goal it is you’re aiming to attain, set up an achievement that’s a bit challenging first, but easy enough for you to fulfill without great strain.
Importantly, once you’ve ticked that off your list, celebrate it yourself rather than waiting for or seeking out someone else to congratulate you. You’ll get a little burst of dopamine that should light a fire beneath you to aim for the next goal post. Before you know it, you’ll be more than halfway towards the finish line that you’ve established, without any need for others to clap for your achievement.
And over time, this habit will spread to other areas of your life: you’ll start to take pride in what you do by yourself, instead of asking others to tell you what a great job you’ve done.
4. Creating visualizations for self-validation.
If you’re a visual or spiritual person, this one’s for you. Any time you find yourself seeking another’s approval, see if you can visualize your Higher Self or a personal spirit guide as someone who’s nodding and telling you that they/you are proud of you. Alternatively, if you’re religious, you could envision a figure like a guardian angel or bodhisattva who’s letting you know that you’re on the right path.
This approach is a good bridge as you’re shifting between external validation and self-assuredness. You’re still envisioning another being telling you that you’re doing a good job, but you’re also the one who’s controlling this narrative — rather like wearing the hand puppet that’s reassuring and encouraging you.
5. Cutting back on social media use.
There is much talk in the media about the harms of social media use on young adults. But social media overuse can also harm adults, particularly those who are suffering from anxiety, depression, or other emotional conditions, as they’re constantly comparing their lives to those of others, or measuring their worth as human beings by how many “likes” they receive on their posts in comparison to their peers.
Comparison is the thief of joy, as the saying goes. Most people will feel their self-confidence drop when they try to measure up to 20-something influencers whose parents bankroll their Bali beach lifestyles, or the homesteaders leading idyllic, seemingly stress-free lives surrounded by horses and rescue goats. Put the focus on living your own life rather than observing those of others, and you’ll feel far less of a need to validate your own choices and actions.
6. Creating physical reminders of positive affirmations to refer to.
If you’ve spent several decades relying on others’ validation for your sense of self-worth, changing this habit isn’t going to happen overnight. Some people benefit greatly from having something physical that can help keep them grounded and remind them to validate themselves when needed, rather than turning to friends, partners, colleagues, or strangers online instead.
Depending on your personal preferences, you could wear an item of jewelry like a bracelet or pendant with a positive affirmation engraved on it that you can look at or hold whenever you feel it’s necessary. Other people get tattoos in places they can see regularly, like their forearm or the back of a finger: just a small reminder that your perception of yourself is all you need — not whether someone else thinks your appearance or achievement is “good enough.”
7. Using “reparenting” techniques to cultivate the relationship with your inner child that they needed when you were little.
This approach has its roots in therapeutic modalities like Schema Therapy and Internal Family Systems, which recognize that parts of ourselves from different life stages continue to influence our present-day behavior and emotional responses. While it may sound a bit unconventional, it can be remarkably effective.
If you can, gather some photos of yourself when you were the age at which you needed the most support and reassurance, but maybe never received it. Keep a few of them handy, and whenever you feel yourself craving someone else’s validation, pull out those photos and have a reassuring moment with that little person.
That small, vulnerable version of you never went away, but got amalgamated into the smart, strong, capable individual you are now. Think about what that little you would think about you now: they’d see you as someone safe whom they could turn to for comfort and protection, and would be super impressed by everything you’ve achieved.
Psychologists call this technique reparenting. They advise that by speaking to your inner child kindly and encouragingly, you may find that you’ll heal parts of yourself by being the supportive, validating adult whom you always needed in your own life. A word of caution, though: if your childhood involved significant trauma or abuse, this kind of inner child work can sometimes bring up difficult emotions or memories that feel overwhelming. If that happens, please consider working with a therapist who can guide you through this process safely.
Final thoughts…
As you’re working through your need for external validation, try to determine what put you in this position to begin with. Did you have parents who never recognized your worth? Or teachers who had so little faith in your abilities that they accused you of cheating if you did well? Were the “cool kids” at school mean to you, excluding you from fun activities? Or did you base your value on how many people were attracted to you? Once you find out the root cause of your insecurity, you can tailor your self-validation techniques accordingly for the most optimal results. You may find it most helpful to work with a therapist, either online or in person, to do this.
