Arguments are stressful enough on their own, but they get particularly difficult when one party seems intent on twisting the other’s words.
If you’ve ever been in a situation like this, you know how frustrating it can be: you say something that’s completely rational, and they turn it around to imply that you’ve said something unkind or offensive.
Although you may feel like there’s no way of winning, there are strategies that can help you deal effectively with someone who perpetually twists your words.
When someone always twists your words during arguments, take this approach to dealing with them:
1. Answer their questions with more questions.
It’s incredibly frustrating to be on the receiving end of this, but oddly satisfying when we use this technique to stop someone else from twisting our words.
Instead of giving them an answer to their manipulative question, thereby putting yourself on unstable footing and giving them the upper hand, you maintain your position by answering all their questions with more questions.
For example, if you make a reasonable, politely phrased request and they ask you something like “Why are you always attacking me?”, you can respond with something like: “Why do you always twist my words when things don’t go your way?”
This puts them in a defensive position, which they don’t like at all (it also has the added bonus of calling out their behavior).
Those who like to twist your words usually have a specific endgame in mind. If you thwart that by turning things around like this, you upset the narrative that they had already pre-rehearsed, and they don’t know how to continue.
Essentially, you’ve gone off script and made them short-circuit.
2. Keep receipts.
If there was one thing I learned being raised by a malignant narcissist and her enabler, it was to keep receipts.
This can take the form of screen captures of text-based exchanges, saved voice messages, or even audio recordings, so long as it’s legal to do so where you are without notifying the other person.
By keeping evidence of your conversations, you have proof that you can bring to light when they inevitably try to twist the narrative to make you out to be the jerk in the situation.
They can’t twist words around when you have literal proof of what both of you said, and can refer back to it as needed.
Of course, they’re likely to try to play victim and imply that there’s something wrong with you for gathering proof in this manner. They won’t like having their actions not only called out, but proven with hard evidence.
3. Never lose your temper.
When you deal with this person, you have to make yourself as immovable and “gray rock” as humanly possible. That is, make yourself as dull and drama-less as possible.
You absolutely cannot lose emotional control with this individual. The whole reason they’re twisting your words is that they’re attempting to make you lose emotional control.
Once that happens, you’re likely to lose the argument because they’ll imply that you’re being histrionic, and they’ll refuse to carry on the conversation.
And no matter how much you try to defend yourself after they’ve accused you of such, you’ll still come across as emotionally unstable if you’ve already lost it.
In contrast, if you’re completely calm and grounded the entire time, they can’t tell you to calm down or imply that you’re being overly emotional.
They’ll either recognize that they’re being ridiculous by implying such, or you can refer back to strategy #1 and ask them if they need some time to regulate their emotions since their accusations are clearly not based in reality.
4. Always bring the discussion back to the topic: don’t allow them to run wild with it.
Those who try to twist your words will often use illogical arguments and fallacies to put you on the defensive and spin things into a particular narrative.
A perfect example of this is the straw man argument. That is, when someone changes or exaggerates your point in an attempt to make it easier to knock down.
For example, you might say that you think that climate change is a bigger problem than immigration, and this person will reply with “Oh, so you’d be fine with 10 random strangers living in your home with you?”
Responses like these are so far from what you actually said that it’s ludicrous.
The person you’re arguing with doesn’t actually want to address the issue you brought up, so they’re taking things to an extreme to distract you from it.
This is where you call them out on the fact that they’re doing exactly that, and bring focus back to the initial topic you were discussing.
5. Insist that they explain themselves.
When someone is keen on twisting what you say to their advantage, they might make snide remarks that they know will bother you, and then brush them off as jokes.
This is where you refuse to rise to the bait, and instead ask them exactly what they mean by what they said. They’ll either backtrack, try to evade, or imply that you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
People do this when they want to feel superior to you. By calling them out on their actions and insisting that they explain themselves, that superiority falters.
They’ll try to change the subject again, but don’t let them.
Remain dispassionate, and simply state that you aren’t going to continue the conversation until they explain exactly what they meant by their comment.
They’ll often either go quiet or leave the area to avoid the confrontation.
6. “Tell me what you heard.”
We’ve mentioned in other articles that one person’s intention can be misinterpreted by the person receiving it.
For instance, someone who gets their partner a new pair of trainers because they’re beautiful and they think they’d like them may be accused of implying that their partner is overweight and needs to walk more.
Similarly, a person who’s twisting your words may be doing so not out of intentional malice, but because they interpreted what you said in a completely different way from how you meant it.
At this point, you don’t argue. Nor do you defend yourself or backpedal, because that will make you seem unsteady.
Instead, say something to the effect of: “You seem to have misinterpreted my intention here. Let’s not argue about what you think I meant: tell me what you heard in my words.”
At this point, they may tell you how they interpreted what you had said, as well as their assumed intention behind your words. You can then clarify things from your perspective.
Assuming they are a relatively rational individual, you won’t be seen as defensive by doing so. You’re simply setting the record straight, so you’re both on the same page.
7. Learn to laugh at them.
Nothing enrages a manipulator of words like being laughed at. This is especially true if it’s genuine mirth rather than a forced chortle.
When their attempt at twisting your words has resulted in something completely off the wall, the best thing you can do is laugh at both what they said and at their insistence on doubling down on it.
This generally results in one of two things: either they’ll lose their temper, thereby putting themselves on unstable ground, or they’ll shut up.
Either way, they’ll out themselves as being ridiculous, which will cause them to lose face in front of the very people they’re trying to impress.
8. Refuse to engage.
A person can’t twist your words in an argument if you refuse to speak any.
If they’re intent on twisting everything you say to their benefit, don’t give them anything to work with.
Just remove yourself from the situation and do not engage. Go silent, hold their gaze for a few heartbeats, and then leave.
You can expect them to accuse you of cowardice, or shout at you not to walk away from them. But remember: this is to bait you into anger so they can toy with you. A person who thrives on twisting other people’s words hates to lose control of situations.
They may even try to follow you to force you into engaging with them, or shout a torrent of abuse at your back.
Keep walking away, and seek to either distance yourself from this individual permanently, or set boundaries for how you will interact with them again in the future.
Final thoughts…
One of my favorite Star Trek: TNG episodes is when Data is competing with a master strategist in what is supposed to be a friendly game of Strategema.
Data realizes he cannot beat the master at his own game, so the way he eventually “won” was not actually by trying to win the game, but by simply counteracting his opponent’s moves.
He stopped attacking and started neutralizing, until his opponent became so irate that he slammed down his controllers a fit of pique, stormed off, and effectively forfeited the game.
Dealing with someone who twists your words in order to win the argument is not much different.
Quite often, the best way to deal with them is simply to focus on blocking their jabs with great amusement until they give up.
