I don’t think there’s much worse than being in a relationship you know died a long time ago, remaining in those stale waters because you don’t want to face that painful truth.
There are 8 habits that couples often slip into when in this situation, and I believe each one only prolongs the inevitable.
When you’ve reached the point where these habits are what fill your time together rather than actual love, I’d say it’s time to re-evaluate where you are and how you want your future to look.
Outstaying your welcome in a relationship that is unhappy will only make you unhappy.
Is it really worth it?
8 habits unhappy couples slip into to avoid facing reality:
1. The ‘goodnight’ air kiss that has replaced what was once intimate.
Oh boy. I almost don’t even want to go there, because it’s so painfully familiar to me.
It’s not even anything, is it? It’s a token gesture at the end of a very long, unhappy day to someone you’ve become accustomed to saying goodnight to for the sake of it.
Personally, I believe the air kiss in itself is a relationship red flag. If you’re going to kiss anybody, it should be your spouse. But instead, you now resort to getting barely close enough to touch, and it feels more like a business transaction rather than something genuinely loving.
For couples who are deeply unhappy but keeping up appearances, this is probably the closest thing they get to being affectionate anymore, and it makes my heart ache.
I know all too well the emptiness that a goodnight air “kiss” feels like. You go to bed clutching a pillow just to feel like you’re hugging something.
Reality remains buried under all that denial, I’m afraid.
2. The expert ‘bills and errands’ conversations, yet dried-up meaningful moments.
When it comes to the latest water bill, your conversations with your spouse are top-notch. You know how to run a household successfully. They pay the mortgage and gas; you pay the electricity, water, and subscriptions.
Perfect!
You make a great team.
Except you’re not business partners; you’re supposed to be in love.
Yes, those things do need taking care of, but you also need to know that there is more to your relationship than logistics.
When it comes to talking about things that have meaning, you are both absent. You aren’t around for the day-to-day chat about life, how you feel, and what you need from each other.
You conduct your conversations like they’re a meeting at work, and you do what you need to do before the monthly papers get filed away.
It’s not romantic, is it? While you may function well together, the void is still present, and you know it…
…Deep down at least, anyway.
3. Going from romance to roommates.
One day, you’re waking up together to fresh coffee, pastries, and kisses. In the blink of an eye, you’re cooking your dinner, and your spouse is cooking theirs afterward.
You pass each other in the hall with a polite smile and a raise of the eyebrows, and you go into a room to catch up on that TV show. They do the same, but in a whole other room.
You share the chores, you have your roles, you know who takes the bins out and who cleans the floor.
How did you get here?
Let me tell you; it’s so easy. Being unhappy isn’t always the fault of one person in particular; it can just be a sign that you’ve outgrown each other without paying attention, and are both blindsided by what happens next.
Yes, intimacy ebbs and flows in a relationship. That’s perfectly normal. What’s not normal is to permanently live like roommates who have about as much affection as a rose thorn (unless, of course, that’s how you’ve both liked it from the outset).
Underneath the routine that’s gotten comfortable are two people who are missing out on a real relationship because they’re either too scared to start again, or they just think that’s how relationships are supposed to be after the honeymoon period.
They’re not.
4. The quiet grief behind the overt pretense that everything is fine.
A smile can hide a thousand cracks, can’t it? I know; I’ve been there. You think if you just paint it on, nobody will suspect, and if you do it well enough, maybe you can even fool yourself.
It works for a certain length of time, but soon enough, the reality of your unhappiness will creep up on you, Michael Myers style, and scare the heck out of you.
We push reality away because we know what’ll happen if we admit it.
Behind the façade is someone grieving for a life they don’t have.
This is more complex than just wishing you had someone who bought you flowers or took you on a city weekend break.
It’s that heavy feeling, knowing you don’t truly have someone to share life with. The good, the bad, and everything in between.
5. Justifying staying with “It could be worse.”
It’s the ultimate ‘talk myself out of leaving’ card, isn’t it?
Could be worse.
Sure, you could be living with an abuser, and your partner has (hopefully) never laid a finger on you or coerced you in any way. But does that mean you’re not allowed to be unhappy? Does that mean you should stay, because things aren’t quite as terrible as they could be?
Depending on which survey you look at, as many as 30-50% of people say they regret their choice of life partner.
Over a third!
Statistically, that means many of you reading this will feel you have settled, believing things could be worse.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s a heartbreaking reason to stay, and a heavy excuse to not face what’s really going on.
6. Forgetting what a relationship should actually resemble.
I feel like this one in particular is going to be a hard read for those of you who are already deeply unhappy.
If you’re technically in a relationship, even though it’s far from ideal, you’re likely to be missing out on vital aspects of what healthy relationships are.
Frequently, I see couples who are genuinely, authentically happy. They’re celebrating an anniversary, or going to dinner ‘just because.’ They’ve made time to go see a show in the West End together. They’re smiling and laughing with their arms wrapped around each other.
What is this?!
It’s easy to forget that this is a relationship. Two people being together by choice, and actually, consciously, spending and enjoying romantic time together.
And it extends to the small things too: joking together, walking the dog and catching up on the day’s news, or cuddling on the couch – those things do exist for many.
Being chronically unhappy with your spouse or partner will never let you experience anything like this, and it can leave a void inside. Dare I say, it almost resembles grief.
7. Pretending the silence is peaceful, even though it’s hollow.
Silence can be wonderfully restorative, or it can be the void that makes unfulfilling, miserable relationships glaringly obvious.
Hollow silences, that’s what I like to call them.
There is so much that could fill those silences: laughter, anecdotes, idle chit-chat, or even discussions about plans for the future. But instead, the silences stay icily quiet.
Couples who are unhappy tend not to have the energy or desire to share or exchange words, so they get used to any silence as a kind of “You seem okay, and so do I, so we will leave it there” situation.
Yes, comfortable silence is great. It’s wonderful to be able to sit with someone and feel relaxed enough that you don’t need to make noise just for the sake of it. It’s peaceful.
But this is anything but peaceful, and deep down, both parties know it. All it’d take is one person to say, “This might be normal for us, but it isn’t normal, is it?” for that conversation to happen.
That’s why they hold back.
8. Focusing solely on the kids’ happiness.
Throwing yourself into the kids is not the right way to raise kids, if I can be brutally honest.
I know that might sound a little odd, considering your children deserve a happy upbringing with attention on them, but not if you’re doing it to overcompensate for an otherwise unhappy life.
Kids aren’t band aids; they don’t cover the cracks in your relationship, and they shouldn’t be lumped with the pressure of cheering you up because you’re in a relationship that has turned you into a shell of your former self.
Yes, give them love and affection, and encourage their happiness, but when they become your sole focus so that you can ignore issues that need addressing, you risk serious problems for all concerned.
Final thoughts…
To stay in an unhappy relationship – while difficult in the day-to-day- is actually extremely easy to do.
It usually boils down to one thing.
Complacency.
Years can go by before you realize you’re wasting your life avoiding talking about your evident misery when you could instead both admit that the ship has failed to sail, and you both need to disembark for shore.
The thing with reality is, it’s real, whether you like it or not. Not all relationships are destined to work out. Some can, if you’re prepared to do the work. But not all.
Is it better to admit that and find happiness elsewhere, or stay and never know what true love is?
The choice, as ever, is yours.
