You see your union as a connection, a love that you don’t want to see broken, so you do anything and everything to maintain it.
You’re the glue.
Your partner, however, might have different ideas. They might see your togetherness as nothing but a convenience. You fit well with their plans and schedule, and you’re always there if they need you. It’s win-win for them. You have a use, sure, but you’re a commodity, not a partner.
You might not want to believe it, but these 8 things will shine a necessary light on whether this very uncomfortable shoe fits you, or not.
1. They rarely, if at all, check in with you.
In a relationship of convenience, a partner will generally only reach out or show an interest in you when it’s suitable for them, or in the build-up to needing something. This should tell you two things. The first is that they don’t want to neglect you altogether because they still see you as being some kind of asset to them.
The second is that your partner wants to keep the relationship because of the logistics instead of emotions and connection. There is convenience tied to sharing responsibilities and bills, and without that, the relationship doesn’t really exist for them in the way you might want it to.
If it hurts, it’s probably because it’s hitting close to home, but essentially, it revolves around the idea of, “If I don’t need you, then I don’t need to engage in conversation with you.”
2. Your plans together revolve only around their schedule.
Simply put, your partner treats their own needs or time as more important than yours. With that comes you getting let down again by your partner canceling plans because it interrupts something else they’d rather be doing.
Does your schedule matter? To them, no. They might never even ask you about yours; they instead assume you’ll just understand, and that any stress it causes you, you’ll manage.
In other words, you have to fit your life around them, without so much as an ounce of gratitude or awareness that you’re constantly being put out.
3. They want you to be available all the time, but fail to provide a fraction of that in return.
At the click of their insensitive fingers, you are to drop everything and run to their latest need or demand. In fact, they’ve gotten very used to you appearing in your puff of smoke as soon as they request you, but you’ve noticed something…
…This is nothing like what you get in return. In fact, you get nothing in return.
You might think you’re being selfless and loving, but over-giving will eventually deplete you.
What would happen if you stopped being so readily available for someone who makes no time at all for you? I can confirm that they wouldn’t hang around long enough for you to answer that question.
This just goes to show that you’re not somebody they value or particularly care about. As long as you check their boxes, you’re good. But if you start to protest, you may as well pack your bags.
4. They ghost you for a few days and come back like it was nothing.
Oh, there you are. Just like nothing happened, your partner is back, and you can resume the – can I even call it a relationship? Realistically, we aren’t talking about any kind of tight commitment here; this is essentially dipping in and out as they please.
While it’s okay, healthy even, to go your separate ways and do your own things, the relationship has to be something you come back to and share. It can’t be that you’re left waiting at the train platform for whenever they decide to roll up next.
Who agreed to this? Did you? Ghosting someone like this isn’t okay, but when the person who ignores you does return, and you tolerate it, it sends a clear message. And that message that person hears is:
I can come and go as I please, and I know you will never question me.
It’s a toxic dynamic, and if I can be brutally honest, it is the exact kind of pattern that reinforces a trauma bond between you both.
5. They don’t seem at all concerned about the thought of losing you.
If your partner isn’t bothered by the idea of losing you, then there’s a definite level of emotional detachment going on. Whether unable or unwilling, the fact that this gap exists where connection should be is a warning sign all by itself. If you ended things today, they wouldn’t care. It means that long ago, they decided the relationship was worth holding onto for the sake of having one, but that it was never destined to go far.
If you’re noticing this in the way your partner acts around you, or in all the ways they fail to show up, I’d consider it a big sign that you’re only around for their convenience. You aren’t seen by them as their equal at all.
Time to get out, if that’s the case. Save yourself.
6. They label you as ‘too needy’ if you ask for more.
Let’s get one thing straight: having reasonable, reciprocal needs is not being needy.
Of course, neediness is totally subjective, because we all have different requirements in relationships, but if you’re seeing the other signs on this list and your partner labels you as needy, then that’s a sure sign they have no plans to increase their levels of affection in order to strengthen your relationship or commit to you any further.
This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the terms and conditions they wrote for your relationship. If you stopped giving them what they needed and instead made it clear that your needs must be met too, your partner wouldn’t hang around long enough to blink.
7. They show you affection only when they need something.
Wait, what is this? Suddenly, your partner is emotional, telling you they love you, and paying a very overdue interest in you.
What’s the catch? Ah, yes, of course. They don’t get paid until Friday, and it’s Taco Tuesday for your partner and their buddies. That’s why you’re their favorite person after not seeing them all week. That’s why you’ve been given flowers and been told how loved you are.
This isn’t love; it’s manipulation. Cut up your flowers and throw them in the bin to prevent more from happening!
Final thoughts…
I know fully well the pain of these behaviors. To be treated like you don’t matter until you do, and when you do, it’s because you have something your partner needs.
Spending years in this dynamic will lessen your self-esteem to the point where you can’t even see it anymore. To be in a healthy, loving relationship with another means you’re not just there when they need you, but also when they want you, and vice versa.
If it’s not looking like that at all, then I’m sorry to tell you it’s a relationship of convenience, and nothing more.
Don’t settle for low standards. You deserve so much more.
