As individuals, we all have different needs and desires when it comes to forming relationships. That’s why it’s crucial to meet somebody compatible that you know you can build a real future with together, in order for that future to be built on solid ground.
That said, I think there are certain things every couple should aim for that we can all make work for us in our own circumstances. In a healthy relationship, they are all attainable, and they will keep that relationship healthy throughout life’s inevitable storms, which is why I want to share them with you today.
So, if you’re ready, shall we?
1. Realize the importance of consistency, without buying your way there.
Why do you trust the people in your life that you trust? It’s because in small, consistent ways, they’ve proven themselves to be loyal to you. They’ve shown up, but it was never about those grand moments, and more like the times they saw you silently struggling and became that pillar of strength for you, or when they caught you looking doubtful and whispered the right words in your ear to remind you of your worth.
This is exactly what couples in healthy relationships do to show their commitment. It’s not about buying your way through it, or throwing money at a person who needs time and love; it’s about consistency being the currency.
When you show up for your spouse, you show up for your relationship, and that’s what keeps it on solid ground.
2. Accept the fact that relationships need maintaining.
Imagine you really love planting vegetables to harvest. Courgettes, marrows, pumpkins, asparagus, potatoes, you name it. You just love to grow your own and reap the rewards come fall. You pick the best compost, and ensure they’re regularly watered and getting plenty of sunshine before you transfer them outside in the right beds.
Wow! The harvest comes, and you are overwhelmed by goodness.
If you took that analogy and used it for your relationship, would you be able to say that you give it the best conditions in order to grow and become healthy in the same way? When it’s time to harvest your memories, are they good, or did they turn to mulch along the way?
The key is to be intentional with what you want as your outcome. That solid ground has to come from regular attention and effort, because loving alone is not going to be enough, just like loving my plants alone won’t feed them and help them grow.
3. Learn how to handle conflict while keeping a strong connection.
I don’t think there’s a relationship on earth that avoids conflict to some degree. In fact, learning how to handle it while keeping your connection to each other strong is like exercising a muscle to make it stronger. Avoiding disagreements isn’t the same as working on effective ways to manage them – so don’t think you can get out of it if you want that solid ground!
Be honest with each other. Respect what the other has to say and know that we’re all allowed our own opinions. Try to lessen the “You” statements (“You always do this!”), and work on the “I” statements (“I feel sad when this happens.”)
It does involve both parties being emotionally mature, and it can’t work without that dynamic. You can’t stop that conflict from flowing your way, but if you can be open with it rather than shut it out and let resentment build, then you’re on track for that strong, stable future.
4. Have the understanding that intimacy and connection stem from emotional safety first.
Some couples push for intimacy before they’ve really worked out their foundation of emotional safety. I say foundation because that’s really what it should be: solid ground for everything else to be built on.
Think of a triangle, with two of its corners at the bottom, and the third a peak at the top. That’s how a stable relationship should look, with emotional safety being the base of the triangle. Everything from that works upwards. Now flip the triangle 180 degrees, and it struggles to balance with the point of the triangle on the ground.
This is the mistake that many couples make. They assume intimacy is just something you do, without building that base of safety first.
It’s no wonder so many relationships then fall apart, with neither party understanding how it happened.
5. Make space for autonomy and personal growth.
Strong couples support each other’s personal development instead of expecting the relationship to replace individual identity. You are you, and they are them. You meet and fall in love, but you are still two people in one union. That union itself doesn’t replace your individual personalities.
Couples can forget this, and instead do everything together, go everywhere together, listen to the same music, and watch the same shows.
Without revealing his choice of bands or artists, I can confirm that I do not listen to the same music in the shower that my partner does. We like some of the same stuff, but also, we very much differ. (I am also partial to shamanic drumming as I find it calming!) That’s me, and it always will be. And that’s him, and it always will be, too.
If you want your relationship to be built on solid ground, grow together by allowing space for autonomy.
6. Preserve your time together by not letting life consume it.
You’re snuggling up together to watch a decent bit of True Crime (just me?…), and your phone pings. Ah, yes. Your friend sent you another hilarious reel. Your sister sent you a photo of her twenty-eighth vacation of the year. You pick up the phone and reply, then the Gods of algorithms suck you into another rabbit hole, and before long, you’re watching videos of stray cats being rescued.
The true crime show ends, and your spouse is also scrolling. Suddenly, you realize you’ve lost 90 minutes to your phones, when you could have watched the show and seen the killer get justice together as planned.
There’s no solid ground when you’re constantly accepting ways to disconnect. You’ve got to take those precious fragments of time that you get to spend together, or you may as well just call it quits.
7. Learn how to solve your problems instead of wanting to win at arguments.
Imagine how revolutionary it would be to every relationship if each person saw a problem as an external issue, rather than a problem that exists within their spouse.
It was renowned psychologist John Gottman who referred to defensiveness as one of four types of conflict behaviors, and he’s right, it is. And it’s destructive to relationships. He found that couples who could repair arguments together stayed together longer.
Nobody has to win. It’s not you against each other; it’s you two against the problem. That solid ground won’t get built on ground you’re constantly setting fire to.
“You never care!”
“You always seem to be attacking me.”
“Why do you never listen?”
Point scoring achieves nothing, and no recipient of these phrases will sit back and say, “You know what? You’re right. I’m wrong,” in that moment.
It’s far more productive to work together, but you have to want to do that for it to work.
Final thoughts…
There’s so much pressure nowadays to keep our relationships strong and solid. It’s so easy then, to overcomplicate what we need to do in order for that strength to exist and survive. We think we need to juggle so much, but in reality, it doesn’t need to be that difficult. The basics are pretty simple.
Life happens, and you move with the ebbs and flows. But if you want your relationship to last, then I’d invite each of these 7 things into your lives exactly how they best fit for you both.
