How many of us run a mile at the first sight of conflict? It’s often a survival instinct because we hate what – or who – conflict reminds us of. For others, enjoying or purposely getting into conflict is the norm, but I don’t think it should be.
The middle (more healthy) ground is dealing with conflict in an emotionally intelligent way. That’s why these 7 behaviors are so important, and if you do them, you’re far more emotionally intelligent than you realize.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all say, “Yes, I do these,” to each one?
1. Before reacting, you give yourself time to pause.
Silence can be so loud sometimes, but what if you can make it your friend? What if you realize that you could let it become your superpower whenever you’re faced with conflict?
“You’re so insensitive!” “That didn’t happen the way you’re remembering it.” “You are so needy.”
Three phrases that may make it difficult for the person on the receiving end to respond rationally in a moment of conflict, but a little silence here can easily help you to reassess how you approach your next step. I am fond of the STOP method (Stop, Take a breath, Observe, Proceed mindfully), and I remind myself of it whenever I need to use it.
Yelling is a big no for emotionally intelligent people. What would it achieve? Ferociously defending yourself only gives the person who is firing shots your way more ammunition. Pausing for three or four seconds? That’s where your power lies, and where you get to say (without speaking the words), “No. I’m not interested in conflict.”
With a pause to regroup and take a deep breath, you find the right words come. You can de-escalate what the other person is trying to start, which makes you a highly emotionally intelligent individual.
2. You listen without jumping in to interrupt or invalidate.
Not everybody feels comfortable with solid, intense eye contact while talking, and that’s absolutely fine. Despite what body language experts would have you believe, there is more than one way to prove you’re listening, and one of those ways is to just keep a respectful silence until they’ve finished their point.
Conflict usually starts with one person airing their grievances at you. People who lack emotional intelligence tend to disagree and want to rush in and defend themselves, but what does that tell the other person?
It says, “Hold on for one hot second there, because you’re wrong! And you are getting on my nerves!”
You can think that. I mean, you are human after all. But showing them that you’re listening means you’re willing to hear what they’ve got to say. You’re willing to really hear their perspective rather than just tell them all the ways their perspective is invalid. Emotional intelligence involves empathy, and empathy is about believing and trying to understand other people’s experiences, even if you can’t fully relate to them. If you can do that, then you’re far more emotionally intelligent than you realize.
3. You keep your focus on the issue at hand.
“It’s like the time you…” “Last week when…” “Why are you not remembering what happened when…”
It’s easy to start shouting anything when you’re in the middle of a conflict, but how helpful is it really? Nobody’s mood improves when you start digging up any old excuse to yell and accuse them, or to create a scene!
Instead, emotional intelligence asks: What’s actually going on right now? What’s the specific issue? What do I need to include in this exchange?
In the heat of the moment, I do get how natural it feels to slide into side problems, but emotionally intelligent people resist this and understand that the focus should remain on what needs resolving in that moment you’re in. What’s the point in making things more complicated?
Emotional intelligence knows how useless it is to pick fights just because those memories make you mad, too. One thing at a time.
4. You take responsibility for your part in the conflict.
Hands up, wave the white flag, smudge your sage, offer an apology, own your wrongs. Do whatever it takes to bring peace to conflicts where you can. Emotionally intelligent people understand that taking responsibility for their part in the conflict does help, and will calm any situation down that would otherwise be heating up.
If you’re reading this article, I can assume you’re mature enough to say, “Okay, I think this has come about because I…”
There. It wasn’t difficult. There is no ego behind emotional intelligence; just an honest person who wants to own their part in the disagreement and hope it helps calm the storm.
I think now of the saying, “accountability is the antidote to blame.” It’s the perfect reason why being accountable takes away any need for further conflict by offering a solution rather than simply causing more problems.
I mean, if anything demonstrates emotional intelligence, it’s got to be that!
5. You steer clear of any personal attacks.
I’m not a fan of cheap shots, and I know many of you out there would agree with me. When you resort to slinging mud during conflict just because it feels good and as if you’re gaining points, let me tell you, you’re actually losing them.
Personal attacks might seem fitting at the time, or like you’re releasing the lid off a very hot pot on the stove, but then what happens? Conflict heightens, and most likely words will be thrown back at you.
People who refuse to resort to this level of attack are making an effort to keep the person and the problem separate factors. And the ability to do so demonstrates exceptional emotional maturity.
In contrast, when you shift the focus from the problem to the person, it shows that you’re no longer interested in fixing the issue, but rather, you’re more concerned with coming out on top, and that’s no way to have a healthy relationship. It also often comes from a place of fear or insecurity, which struggle to exist alongside emotional intelligence.
Let those not be the triggers that lower you in conflict, and instead be the person who rises above it.
6. You’re okay with the discomfort.
It’s true that you grow in discomfort, and I have learned that a lot through my own life over the past several years. In particular, I’ve learned that if you’re in a situation that’s uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean you need to react to it, or even feed it.
I’ve had to be around family members that I’d rather not see again, and instead of reacting to it and allowing myself to feel out of control, I just decided I was okay. I know it seems like an oversimplified way to view challenges, but if you can get to a point where you’re aware you’re okay in the discomfort, then the discomfort loses its power.
Conflict is never going to be a moment where you pull up with the other person and laugh and joke, but what if you just leaned into it and accepted the moment for what it was?
Emotionally intelligent people think of resistance to discomfort as feeding it. Why would they give it that energy?
7. You pull back from the need to win.
Conflict doesn’t come with a scoreboard. It’s okay (preferable even) to not keep tabs on who says what for what gain. I don’t think I’ve ever set foot on a real treadmill, but figuratively speaking, if you get off the treadmill of verbal sparring and needing to have the last word, you might find the stillness offers you insight into what really matters.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t want to be a part of that kind of obsession, and instead see the goal as, “How can we lessen the conflict and have a more meaningful discussion?”
Keeping your integrity intact during conflict beats coming out shining as some kind of winner any day of the week, and it really does free you if you choose not to keep feeding your ego this way.
If you can protect your peace (and the peace of those you love), it’s the far more emotionally intelligent thing to do. After all, why would you want to win if it means the person you presumably love (or at least care about) has to lose?
Final thoughts…
The only way to douse a fire is to take away what fuels it. Whether you choose to listen and respond calmly, or disengage entirely by backing down from the need to always have the last word or be right, you can choose emotional intelligence over pride.
Learning how to be less reactive will open doors of communication during conflict that actually help you understand the person you’re speaking with. Holding onto the idea that time is your friend in those moments will shift you from wanting to be right to wanting to do right.
And that’s definitely a good, healthy place to be.
