We’ve all met someone who just seems to get it when it comes to emotions. You know the type—they’re the friend who knows exactly what to say when you’re upset, who can handle difficult conversations without everything falling apart, and who somehow manages to stay calm when everyone else is losing their minds.
What’s their secret? Well, it turns out emotionally intelligent people have figured out some fundamental truths about how emotions actually work—truths that many of us are still stumbling around trying to understand.
These aren’t complex psychological theories or insights that require years of therapy to grasp. They’re surprisingly practical understandings that, once you really get them, can completely transform how you experience relationships and navigate life’s inevitable emotional ups and downs.
1. That emotions are information, not instructions.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll know that familiar rage that creeps over you when you experience a perceived injustice or slight, particularly if it relates to someone you love.
As a parent to a child with additional needs, I experience this frequently when it comes to situations in which people misunderstand my child or don’t meet their needs as they should. Your first instinct, like mine, might be to fire off a strongly worded email to the involved party the moment you get a chance.
But this is where emotional intelligence comes in handy. When you can pause and reflect, you realize that anger isn’t really telling you to send a scathing message. It’s giving you valuable information. Maybe it’s signaling an issue that matters deeply to you or an unhealed sensitivity or trigger. Or, using the above example, it might be revealing that you feel deeply frustrated about your child’s struggles. Yes, that email probably still needs to be sent, but not in the heat of the moment when you can’t think rationally.
Many of us treat emotions like urgent commands that demand immediate action. Right. This. Second. We feel sad, so we must withdraw. We feel anxious, so we must avoid. We feel angry, so we must attack. Emotionally intelligent people have learned to pause and ask, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” instead of “What should I do because I feel this way?”
They understand that the intensity of their rage actually reveals how passionately they feel about the issue, not necessarily how they should respond to it.
2. That you can’t change other people’s emotions for them.
We’ve all been in situations like this. You’re going through a tough time, like a breakup or job loss, and a well-meaning friend immediately jumps in with “Don’t be sad!” or “You’re better off without him!” Or my personal favorite, “Everything happens for a reason!” Oh, thanks, you think, now I can suddenly stop feeling sad (that’s sarcasm, by the way).
Try as you might, you cannot fix another person’s feelings, and emotionally intelligent people get this.
Think about it—you’re not responsible for managing your partner’s stress levels, your friend’s disappointment, or your coworker’s frustration. You’re off the hook for being everyone else’s emotional thermostat. What a gift that realization can be (especially for those of us who’ve spent years feeling like failures every time someone in our orbit wasn’t happy).
This doesn’t mean becoming cold or uncaring. Emotionally intelligent people still offer support, but they do it through presence and validation rather than trying to change how someone feels. When your friend is grieving, they don’t need you to make them happy—they need you to sit with them in their sadness and let them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling.
3. That conflict doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.
Most of us have been taught that good relationships are harmonious relationships. If you’re arguing, something must be wrong. If you disagree, maybe you’re incompatible. If there’s tension, the relationship might be in trouble.
In contrast, emotionally intelligent people realize that conflict in relationships often actually makes them stronger. I know, I know—it sounds counterintuitive. But think about the couples you know who never seem to disagree about anything. Are they really that compatible, or are they just avoiding important conversations?
The reality is, it’s not whether you fight that determines relationship health, it’s how you fight. Two people who care about each other are going to have different opinions, needs, and perspectives sometimes. And that’s going to cause friction.
Emotionally intelligent people focus on understanding rather than winning. They keep it respectful. And when they slip up, because they’re only human too, they apologize and move forward.
4. That boundaries are acts of love, not selfishness.
Think about someone who always says yes to everything. They show up to help, they’re available for every crisis, they never turn down an invitation. Sounds wonderful, except after a while, they start showing up resentful, exhausted, and passive-aggressive. Suddenly, their “yes” doesn’t feel so generous anymore.
Compare that to someone who kindly but firmly says, “I can’t help you move this weekend, but I could help you pack boxes on Tuesday evening if that would be useful.” They’re setting a limit, but they’re also showing up as their most resourceful, willing self within that boundary.
You can probably figure out which one has the greater emotional intelligence.
When you say yes to everything, your yes loses all its meaning. But when you say no to protect your energy and resources, your yes becomes genuine and valuable. Plus, you’re modeling for others that it’s okay to have limits (which, let’s be honest, most of us need to see more examples of).
5. That silence can be more powerful than words.
When someone shares something painful with you, every fiber of your being wants to make it better. It’s a normal and natural response to want to offer advice (“Have you tried…?”), share your own similar experience (“The same thing happened to me…”), or try to find the silver lining (“At least now you know…”).
But people who are emotionally intelligent understand that sometimes the most supportive thing you can offer is absolutely nothing but your presence. This feels uncomfortable at first. Silence can feel awkward, especially in a culture that seems to want to fill every second with noise and activity. But in many situations, there really are no words that won’t just be dismissive platitudes.
This approach requires real confidence in your own worth beyond what you can provide or solve. It means trusting that your company alone has value, and that sometimes bearing witness to someone’s experience is the most healing gift you can offer.
6. That forgiveness is for them, not the other person.
Let’s be honest, forgiveness is one of those concepts that sounds beautiful in theory but feels nearly impossible in practice. Especially when someone has really hurt you (and they’re not even sorry about it).
Most of us struggle with forgiveness because we think it means we’re letting the other person off the hook, or that we have to pretend what happened was okay, or that we need to welcome them back into our lives with open arms.
But forgiveness means none of those things. Forgiveness isn’t a gift you give to the person who hurt you. It’s a gift you give to yourself.
Think about it this way: when you hold onto resentment, you’re essentially letting someone who already hurt you continue to hurt you every single day. They might be living their life completely unbothered while you’re carrying around this heavy emotional baggage that affects your mood, your sleep, and your other relationships.
Forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting what happened or reconciling with someone who caused you pain. You can forgive your ex-friend who betrayed your trust without ever speaking to them again. You can forgive a family member’s harmful behavior while still maintaining strict boundaries about what you’ll tolerate going forward.
You have to let go of the moral high ground, but you’ll live a much happier and more peaceful life as a result.
7. That emotional intelligence doesn’t mean being “nice” all the time.
There are many myths about emotional intelligence. A key one being the idea that emotionally intelligent people are always pleasant, never get angry, and avoid any behavior that might cause discomfort to others.
In reality, emotionally intelligent people can be incredibly direct when the situation calls for it. They can express frustration, deliver difficult feedback, and set firm boundaries. The difference is that they do it skillfully rather than reactively.
Let me give you an example. The “nice” person avoids addressing problems until they’ve built up so much resentment that they explode in an emotional outburst, often saying things they later regret. The emotionally intelligent person addresses issues early and directly: “I need to talk to you about what happened in the meeting today. When you interrupted me three times, I felt disrespected and frustrated. Can we figure out a better way to handle this?”
That conversation might feel less “nice” in the moment, but it’s actually much kinder in the long run because it prevents bigger blowups and gives the other person a chance to adjust their behavior.
Sometimes the most caring thing you can do is tell someone a truth they need to hear, even if it initially causes discomfort (for both of you).
8. That empathy has limits, and that’s okay.
If you’re someone who feels guilty for not having endless emotional energy for every friend, family member, and colleague who needs support, this one’s for you.
We live in a culture that celebrates unlimited giving and endless empathy, particularly when it comes to women. We’re raised to believe a “good girl” is always helpful, always kind, always ready to drop everything to help someone in need. But compassion fatigue is real, and trying to be emotionally available to everyone actually makes you less helpful to anyone.
Think about it like physical energy. You wouldn’t expect yourself to run marathons every single day without rest and recovery. Your emotional energy works the same way. It’s a finite resource that needs to be managed thoughtfully.
Emotionally intelligent people practice a sort of strategic empathy. They might be fully present for their best friend’s divorce crisis while kindly directing a casual acquaintance to a therapist or support group. They recognize that saying yes to everyone’s emotional needs means being truly available to no one. Least of all themselves.
9. That comparison really is the thief of joy.
Social media has turned comparison into an art form. You scroll through Instagram and see your college roommate’s promotion, your neighbor’s vacation photos, and your cousin’s engagement announcement, and suddenly your own life feels inadequate in ways it didn’t five minutes ago.
But comparison rarely involves accurate information. Especially not where social media is involved. You’re comparing your messy reality to everyone else’s highly edited posts, which is about as useful as comparing a rough draft to someone else’s published novel.
Of course, it extends beyond social media. Emotionally intelligent people understand that everyone’s journey unfolds differently, and someone else’s happiness doesn’t diminish their own capacity for joy. Someone else’s successes don’t make yours any less successful.
It works the other way, too. Someone else’s struggles don’t invalidate your own challenges. Emotional experiences don’t exist in a hierarchy where only the “worst” problems deserve acknowledgment.
We’re all on our own journey, and comparison serves no one.
10. That feelings and facts can coexist.
Here’s what this looks like in practice. Let’s say you’re about to give a big presentation at work. You feel nervous and your stomach is in knots, but you’re also thoroughly prepared—you know your material inside and out, you’ve practiced multiple times, and you’ve anticipated potential questions. Instead of dismissing either experience, you can acknowledge both: “I feel nervous AND I’m well-prepared for this.”
This integration prevents emotionally intelligent individuals from making decisions based purely on emotions (which can lead to avoiding opportunities that would actually benefit them). It also avoids the trap of dismissing feelings as “irrational” (because emotions often contain important information that pure logic might miss).
When facing difficult decisions, the emotionally intelligent among us use both their analytical mind and their emotional wisdom. They use both as valuable information to make choices that honor their complete experience.
Final thoughts…
The most wonderful thing about emotional intelligence is that it’s not some mysterious talent that only certain people are born with. These insights develop gradually through paying attention, staying curious about your inner world, and being willing to learn from the inevitable mistakes we all make in relationships.
None of these understandings requires you to be perfect or have everything figured out (thank goodness). They simply offer a more skillful way to navigate the rich, complex, sometimes messy world of human emotions—both your own and everyone else’s.
