One of the hardest parts of wanting to help people is identifying when you can’t or shouldn’t help. The unfortunate reality is that there are a lot of people who need help but refuse it for a number of reasons.
Some people don’t believe they need help or can help themselves. Others don’t feel like they deserve it. Then you have the people who are fine with their status quo because comfortable chaos or familiar misery are better than uncertainty.
Keep an eye out for the following behaviors, so you don’t waste your time and limited energy trying to help people who simply can’t (or won’t) be helped.
1. They always have an excuse as to why they can’t do something.
It doesn’t matter what you suggest, they will always have an excuse for a lack of their own ability to do a thing. Instead, they want you to carry that burden. Alternatively, some people just like the attention. They choose not to try to be better because you’ll give them attention and sympathy if they maintain the status quo.
Essentially, you become an emotional battery for them to drain. And much like a battery, without healthy boundaries, this person will drain you completely. Eventually, you’ll find yourself depressed, angry, or frustrated because this person just won’t try.
I ran into this problem myself with an alcoholic ex-girlfriend who had little interest in being better. She would try periodically, particularly when I would get frustrated enough with her that it seemed like I was pulling away. She would do well for a few weeks, then go right back to getting black out drunk, and there was always an excuse about what triggered it. That relationship eventually devolved into domestic violence when she hit me while drunk.
That was my final straw, and when I chose to walk away and stop trying to help her. It should have been sooner.
2. They are a perpetual victim of everyone and everything.
Be wary of anyone who claims to be all isolated and alone because “people just don’t understand” or “they’re so mean to me.” If they claim that none of their friends and family will help them or won’t talk to them, there is a strong chance that it’s due to their own behavior.
You mean to tell me that everybody who loves or cares about you won’t help you? All of them?
“They’re all out to get me” is another common way they express this sentiment. Their boss has it in for them, and that’s why they lost their job. Their family just doesn’t understand them, so they can’t ask for help. Their friends won’t talk to them because blah blah blah. If everyone is “out to get them,” then there’s usually a good reason for it. And you can’t help someone who can’t see their own toxic behavior.
3. They are drowning themselves in toxic positivity.
“No bad vibes!” With these people, any form of criticism is immediately dismissed, no matter how gently or constructively it’s given. Instead, they focus solely on whatever good things they have going now or in their future plans.
“Everything will be good after I just…” but then they never do the thing. They focus on the positive, real or not, to the point where you start wondering if they are connected to reality. Sometimes, it can seem like they’re not. And if they have a mental illness, they may very well not be.
As the Anxiety & Depression Association of America shares, toxic positivity is just another form of avoidance. Presumably, someone who needs help is not going through a good time. But if they can’t acknowledge the negative, then it’s going to be impossible to help them with it.
4. They weaponize incompetence to avoid responsibility.
What is weaponized incompetence? Well, it’s the act of knowingly or unknowingly pretending not to be able to perform or master a task so others will do the task for you.
This isn’t the same as people who genuinely struggle with something. Like someone with executive function difficulties or anxiety, who needs accommodations or help to get a task done. We all have strengths and weaknesses. In relationships, this might mean delegating tasks so that you’re playing to each other’s strengths and offsetting each other’s weaknesses.
Here we’re talking about people who throw their hands in the air and act like it’s all so impossible. People who aren’t willing to try or to adopt some compensatory strategies to help them do the things they find difficult.
The moment someone throws their hands up and says, “I can’t do it! Can you do it for me?” my boundaries start hardening. You can’t succeed if you don’t try. What’s the point of wasting your valuable time and energy on someone who’s not even going to try? Sometimes, people just have to learn the hard way.
5. They outsource their motivation to others but do nothing on their own.
Sometimes, this person will make a grand show of wanting to be better and do better. They will say all the right things, they will have all the lingo down, and they may even do things like see professionals. However, once there’s no audience of people cheering for them or supporting them, they just stop trying to make progress.
As someone who’s made a lot of personal progress through therapy, self-examination, and changing behaviors, 98% of the work I’ve done has been without an audience. And that’s not because people didn’t want to be there. Some were.
It’s because no one else is in your brain when you’re deciding, “Okay, I’m not going to do that unhealthy thing. I’m going to make a healthier choice instead.” No one’s going to see when you make a better choice to eat a healthier meal when you’re home by yourself, or take your medication as directed, or do the homework your therapist asked you to do. You need to be motivated to do that for yourself, without an audience. If someone can’t do that, then you helping them will ultimately be a waste of time.
6. They do not understand or seek to respect boundaries.
A lot of people think of a boundary as a wall to keep people out. I prefer the perception of a boundary serving as a filter. The people who are willing to play by your rules are demonstrating that they respect how you’ve chosen to protect yourself. The people who genuinely care about you will want to know and respect your boundaries so that they don’t cause you harm.
The people who are perpetual victims will instead see boundaries as offensive. They will take personal offense that you would dare to want to have some kind of barrier or separation between you and them. They don’t care if their problems are negatively affecting your health or life. They don’t care if you’re feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin.
Instead, what they care about is losing the attention and emotional energy that they can get from you. Or, alternatively, it may also be physical benefits, like if you’re giving them money or letting them use your car. Boundaries are good and normal in healthy relationships. If someone can’t respect yours, then helping them is not part of a healthy relationship dynamic.
7. They confuse cynicism with enlightenment to avoid doing the work.
It always amuses me to hear people talk about how many therapists they’ve had who “just couldn’t help them.” Oh, you’ve had fourteen therapists and none of them could help you because you’re just “too messed up”? Sure thing, chief. And I’m the Queen of England.
Too many people view therapy as this perfect thing that will fix all their problems for them. They just go in, the therapist does therapy, and they will be cured!
That’s not how it works. Therapy is just a tool to learn more tools. And like any tool, you can be bad at using it. When people say they’ve had 14 therapists, I either think, “Wow, they must either be seriously mentally ill or they’re not a good client.” A good client being someone who listens, participates, and does the work outside of the office.
This eternal cynic will always find a problem with whatever form of help you’ve come up with, and that makes them impossible to help.
8. They never try to give back what they take from you.
In many cases, the relationship you have with this person will be one-way. They will not pour into you in the same way that you pour into them. Instead, they may treat you like a servant with expectations about what you should and shouldn’t do for them.
They aren’t there for you when you’re having a hard time, or need a few dollars, or need a favor. Instead, they offer excuses or use their problems as a way to say, “I can’t do this for you,” instead of finding a way to do it. They always have an excuse, they always have a reason, and it may not even make much sense.
And after interacting with them, you’ll very likely find yourself feeling drained.
Final thoughts…
It’s normal to want to help someone who you see struggling. That’s empathy, and it’s a normal part of the human condition. However, one thing you quickly learn is that there are a lot of people who don’t want to be better. They are content in their misery, so they make every excuse as to why they can’t. They don’t even try.
Do not let these people attach themselves to you. Instead, invest your time and care into the people who are trying, as they are the ones who actually have a chance to succeed.
