Do you find that you struggle with practicing kindness while maintaining your peace?
It’s a hard struggle, because no one really tells you how to strike a healthy balance. To do that, we need to utilize a practice called “meeting people where they are.” That is, stepping into another person’s world and accepting them in their current state, without judgment or an expectation for them to change.
By doing that, you avoid emotionally anchoring yourself to that person, so their actions are less likely to disturb your peace. But how exactly do you go about doing that?
1. Accept that person’s worldview is their own, even if you disagree with it.
The world is a jumble of different beliefs and perspectives that people arrive at through their own learning and life experiences.
As someone who has had to deconstruct my own beliefs and perspectives, I now realize how hard it is to genuinely change another person’s mind. So much of what I believed I just picked up from society and life, and it had become deeply ingrained.
It’s hard to argue against someone’s own personal experiences and institute a change, because you haven’t walked their exact path.
You can easily fall into the trap of thinking you know what’s best for other people because you think you understand their lot in life better than they do. But that’s a quick way to make enemies instead of friends.
Not too many people react positively when someone wanders into their personal life to tell them how they should be living, what they should believe, or why they should believe it.
There’s no need to do that. You can disagree with their worldview, whilst accepting it’s true and valid to them.
2. Don’t try to drag people to where you want them to be.
As someone with Bipolar Disorder, I ran into this problem a lot in my early days of trying to help other mentally ill people on their own path. I was getting better, and I wanted other people to get better, too, but I overestimated what I could do.
It’s very true that you can only improve if you want to, because self-improvement is a lot of work.
You not only have to address all of your unhealthy thoughts and behaviors, but you also have to unmake all the bad habits that come from that. Next, you have to replace those bad habits with healthier, better habits. Unsurprisingly, it takes a long time.
It’s best to go into these situations with no expectations. Accept the person for who they are, where they are, when they are.
I think one of the hardest things I had to learn how to do was to be comfortable watching someone drowning in a shallow pool. You tell them if they just sat up, they’d be fine, but they refuse to. And you just have to let them learn the hard way.
3. Listen for what they need, not what you think they need.
An issue I’ve seen among many helpers is that they often try to fix things that either aren’t broken or aren’t ready to be repaired.
They fall into the mindset of thinking, “This helped me, so it will help you, too,” and that may not be true. For example, in mental health and substance abuse, recovery is a very individual thing.
The same is true for everything in life, really. No matter how tried and tested a method is, we are all unique. Everyone needs something slightly different, and they may not need what you have to offer.
As Psychology Today informs us, it’s important not to view other people as your project. That can be people you’re trying to help, like volunteer work, a friend, or someone you’re in a relationship with.
You can help them along the way. You can certainly make suggestions, point out positives and negatives, and offer informal advice if they ask for it. What you can’t do is force them into a one-size-fits-all mold.
You have to listen to what they actually need, and try to provide that if you’re willing. A lot of people who are complaining about a hardship are just looking for social connection, not for you to fix it.
To understand what people need, I find myself asking, “Do you want help, or just a friendly ear?” often.
4. Remember that other people’s behavior is not a reflection of you.
There’s an old belief that I’ve found to be true from my own healing journey. That is, the way people treat you is mostly a reflection of themselves.
When I was a young man, mentally unstable, and not doing well, I was an asshole to a lot of people. I was an asshole to kind and happy people, because kind and happy people reminded me how depressed and suicidal I was.
There were times every smile someone flashed at me felt like a slap in the face, a mockery of what was going on in my head and life.
I would respond with scowls, ignoring it, waving it off, or, if I was mentally unstable, by behaving like a jerk to wipe that smile off their face. It rarely had anything to do with anything they did.
Nowadays, when I’m greeted with that kind of behavior myself, I don’t take it personally. To meet someone where they are means understanding that their behavior is a reflection of their current state of mind.
That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it, but it does mean you can choose not to take it personally.
I understand that people who are doing well don’t act that way. Instead, it makes me wonder what kind of pain they’re carrying that would cause them to behave badly. Do that long enough, and their behavior just rolls off your back.
5. Remember that helping is about what they need, not about you feeling good.
It feels good to help someone in the moment. Whether it’s giving someone a few bucks, offering a kind ear, or just giving them a hand. There’s a sense of satisfaction that comes with it.
But when you’re chasing the good feeling of helping, you risk no longer meeting the person where they are and instead centering on yourself.
What’s more, it can become a double-edged sword because you can end up focusing on generating those feel-good chemicals and pushing yourself too far. And if you do that, it creates room for bitterness and resentment to grow in its place.
You have to be mindful that you’re not giving too much, leaving yourself exposed or spread too thin.
Sure, it’s nice that you gave your friend your last five bucks, but that is your last five bucks. You likely need it, too. And what happens if that person doesn’t or can’t pay you back? Or if you ask to borrow money from them later, and they turn you down?
It’s not meeting someone where they are to place expectations or conditions on your help that they aren’t in a position to deliver on.
You can’t pour from an empty glass, so don’t empty yourself for others. You matter, too.
6. Understand that empathy does not require obligation.
You can feel bad for someone while recognizing that you can’t really help them. To go back to my previous example about mental illness and substance abuse, a person can only recover when they want to. Until they accept that, and truly want it, they aren’t going to be able to do the load of work that goes along with recovery.
Can you help? Sure. But you can’t do the work for them.
As I mentioned, learning to maintain my own peace while watching other people suffer was probably the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn in my life.
The fact of the matter is that you can’t be there for people if you’re not willing to watch them suffer, because you have to be in proximity to some degree. Even if you remain detached, you’re still intellectually aware of it.
But then you also need to stay aware of the fact that you can’t do the work for them. There’s no magic wand to wave to make it all better, and that’s just how it is.
7. Hold space to give them room for their emotions.
Holding space is part of meeting a person where they are. To hold space is to validate how a person feels, regardless of how they feel.
It assumes that they are going to be the person who is most knowledgeable about their own emotions, so it helps to let them express themselves freely and without judgment.
For example, Ben is trying to be a good friend to Laura. Laura is opining about how stupid she is for making a mistake. Ben’s initial impulse is to try to convince Laura that she’s not actually stupid and that she just made a mistake, but that’s not the right approach.
Right now, Laura is feeling some intense feelings that likely come from a deeper place than just this mistake.
A better approach would be for Ben to say something like, “What’s got you so down on yourself right now? Do you want to talk about it?” And then just letting her talk her way through it rather than shutting her down with well-intentioned invalidation.
Laura will feel better for being met where she is, and Ben protects his peace because he realizes he doesn’t need to carry the emotional burden of “fixing” Laura.
Final thoughts…
There are some people who believe that it’s selfish to put their own well-being first when trying to serve others. I’m here to tell you that those people are on a short trip toward emotional burnout, bitterness, and resentment.
You MUST prioritize your own internal peace and well-being if you want to serve others.
Boundaries and self-preservation are not optional when it comes to navigating people’s difficulties. Pace yourself. Take breaks. Recognize when you can and can’t help. If you don’t, you’ll burn out and destroy your peace in no time.
