“You can’t expect to find love until you really learn how to love yourself.”
Come on, how many times have we heard this? Whether it comes from a stranger on the internet who writes articles (hiya), or your loved ones, the phrase is common.
It carries a punch, I think. Most of us think we can just go out, try and find someone we like, and hopefully make a real go of something resembling a relationship.
But in order to attract a healthy connection, it really is imperative that you already possess certain qualities, and these 7 are all buildable, achievable traits that will help you do that.
With them present, you’ll have everything you need to embark on a relationship with someone that’s not only healthy, but sustainable. And more importantly, they’ll give you that relationship with yourself, too.
1. A regulated nervous system.
For decades, we’ve underestimated as well as undermined our nervous system.
It is responsible for so much, and if it isn’t regulated, you’re going to know about it.
Sure, it’s responsible for automatic functions like breathing, but have you ever thought about how you’re breathing?
Shallow breaths, which most of us now default to as a result of our busy, stressful lives, only really use the upper chest and completely neglect the diaphragm. And this, in turn, primes your body for fatigue, anxiety, and a host of other health problems. It’s a vicious cycle.
That’s just part of it. Growing up in an unpredictable environment where you had to guess the daily mood of a parent before they woke up, or other traumas, leaves its mark on your nervous system, and as a result, you’re more likely to find that it’s consistently dysregulated.
Rather than finding calm after an emotional storm, your nervous system will stay on high alert, continuing to look for danger. That means you’re responding to your partner through the lens of threat rather than what’s actually in front of you — and that’s a recipe for misreading, overreacting, and pushing away someone who may well mean you no harm.
Nobody can be in a healthy relationship with those kinds of responses, but you can learn over time to lower those alerts.
Think about the possibilities in love if you can manage that.
2. A life that already has meaning to it.
When you want to attract someone into your life, think of it like organizing the perfect plate of nachos. You already have the chips and cheese; you just need the right dips to accompany them.
You’re not looking for somebody to build you nachos from scratch, because you’d then be relying on them to provide everything, while all you do is sit there wanting it.
In other words, your life should already have meaning in it before you bring a new romance into it. There should be no incomplete feeling to you, but rather a desire to simply add even more.
The difference then becomes that you continue to flourish even though your status changes. You don’t look to that status to complete you, because you were already complete. In doing so, you stand a far better chance of a healthy dynamic as opposed to creating unhealthy attachments where you’re ‘lost without them.’
Be you, and the right person will come along and be the salsa you’re looking for.
3. Being at peace with your own imperfections.
I don’t know how else to say this, but I am incredibly impatient. I joke and say it’s because I’m a Leo, but I think it’s just an imperfection I need to accept.
I try to work on it, and for the most part, I manage. But watch me try to wait for a delivery. I will be watching the little truck on my screen, wondering why the drop before me is taking so long (seriously, are you having a four-course meal there or something?).
Make peace with what makes you human, because none of us are perfect. I can’t stress enough how punishing yourself for who you are will only make things worse. Self-loathing does not promote change; it will only make you a negative person to be around.
We were all built to make mistakes, and we were all born into a world that was already far from perfect, so why should we be any different?
Be okay with that and show the person you want to have a relationship with all of you, because I am certain they will be meeting you with their own imperfections.
Yes, we should all strive to be the best versions of ourselves, but that comes from self-compassion, not from berating ourselves.
Creating a healthy dynamic is more about acceptance, rather than wanting to fix someone and change them into an entirely different person (plus, let’s be honest, this almost never works, and will only raise your blood pressure).
4. Knowing who you are when you’re alone.
For some people, being alone is about passing the time while they wait for the next time they aren’t.
It all boils down to whether being alone is the same as being lonely, for you. If you asked some people, they’d tell you that when they’re on their own, they feel lonely, but I think there’s a lot to be said for spending time by yourself.
In that time, there’s nobody else around, and you can connect with the unfiltered, truest version of you and return to that ‘self.’ It’s a great time to reflect on your values and get to know yourself better.
I honestly think quality time spent alone is something that strengthens you as opposed to leaves you weak, and that ability to enjoy your own company makes people far less prone to losing themselves in a relationship when it does come along.
Remember that any relationship involves two single people, together but separate, and this right here is how you remain two people.
5. The art of listening during conflict.
It’s tempting sometimes, isn’t it? You want to get your point across, and the only way to do that is to speak all your thoughts and feelings. The other person has to just sit and listen. But what’s the outcome?
The outcome is you never really learn about the other person and what they think and feel.
We all disagree from time to time, and we all need to know how best to navigate those times. Conflict doesn’t have to be toxic or loud. It can just be a normal, healthy part of relationships if we do it right.
But often we don’t listen properly because we’re wrapped up in our own thoughts. By listening more, we can build stronger relationships by making people feel valued.
It’s a skill that takes work, but in developing it, I’m certain you’ll be in a much better position to attract a healthy, happy relationship.
6. The ability to give someone space without feeling threatened or insecure.
If I were with someone, I’d want them to give me enough space to respect my individuality and allow me to be myself. I don’t want to be with someone who wants to spend every waking moment of their day with me because it’s not healthy to live in each other’s pockets.
I have hobbies, I have my friends, and I have my work; all of which make me who I am. Coming together at the end of the day to chat about what I’ve done and what my partner has done is far more exciting than sitting with someone who knows every drink I had and every time I used the bathroom.
Nurturing your own identity means you get to maintain you, not abandoning your interests and friendships. Any relationship you enter should enhance who you already are, not consume you.
7. The skill of walking away from what hurts you.
Do we do this enough? A big fat no, I think.
Vast numbers of people stay in relationships that are hurtful to them. They stick around hoping for change, hoping for feelings to return. Some tolerate cheating because they truly believe they’ve found their soulmate and they’ll forgive anything their spouse does.
It’s essential that we all build that skill and know when to call time on a relationship that’s no longer healthy, because otherwise we’re wasting time we could be spending being actually happy and valued.
When you choose to honor yourself and your happiness, you’re leaving yourself free to attract whatever – whoever – you deserve. I’d say that was a quality worth building, wouldn’t you?
Final thoughts…
I think we’d all like to be able to say out loud that we’re in a healthy relationship, and have that be fact, rather than fantasy.
If you possess the above qualities, it can be a reality. And you’re less likely to spend your time flitting from person to person looking for that happy ending, because you’re already happy.
With that kind of healthy energy, your path will eventually meet that of someone who complements – not concerns – you.
What you are, you attract, and that’s something I intend to manifest a lot more of!
