I’ve been there, and I wonder how many of you can relate to entering a relationship, giving it everything you’ve got, only to be met with a lukewarm response.
It’s enough to invoke panic: Am I enough? Should I be doing more? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I need to try even harder.
You can try until you’ve got nothing left, but if you’re trying with the wrong people, you’re never going to get a different outcome.
Repeating these 7 patterns will keep you stuck loving harder than you’re loved, and by identifying them, you can – in time – learn to avoid them.
1. The anxious/avoidant dynamic.
In this dynamic, there is one person who constantly chases, driven by anxiety and fear, and another who perpetually bolts and tries to bury their head in the sand. Both are capable of loving, but it’s what the thought of love does to them that causes one to pursue, and the other to retreat.
A person with an anxious attachment style has had that ingrained into them from their earliest days through inconsistency. And the way that shows up in love is being insecure, petrified of abandonment, wanting emotional closeness, and having a pretty constant need for reassurance.
Someone with an avoidant attachment is still insecure, but they have this deep-rooted need to just be independent. It stems from a childhood where caregivers were emotionally unavailable and dismissive. As such, they find intimacy uncomfortable, and if a relationship becomes too much, they pull away.
What happens when these two types of people meet?
Yep. One loves and goes in hard, and the other screams internally and turns away. It may not feel wrong; in fact, it can even feel intoxicating at first, but it’s a real clash of styles that will continue to keep you both stuck if you stay in the relationship without both doing the work to heal those unhealthy attachment styles.
2. The belief that they need to put others first.
A person can exhaust themselves trying to make sure their partner has everything they need. “Do you want a cup of tea?” “Can I get you something else for dinner if you don’t like that?” “Is there any laundry you need for tomorrow that I can do for you?” “Can I wash your car before your road trip?”
Sometimes it can look more like, “Okay, if you don’t want to talk, that’s okay. I’ll keep quiet.” “Sure, whatever you need to be comfortable.”
But in all of this, who is the individual not thinking about?
You got it.
When you give up everything that means something to you in a relationship just to please your partner, you’re making everything good for them, but not you.
What about your needs? What if you want to talk? Isn’t there some kind of compromise?
It’s a common behavior in people who are raised to put others first, and unfortunately that is often (but not always) a gendered problem, as many women are raised with the “good girl narrative.”
Before you know it, you have fallen into a dynamic where you are loving and trying harder than your partner, and that will continue until you change it and start to put yourself first.
Because as the saying goes, you teach people how to treat you.
3. Always defaulting to their partner’s pace.
I do understand that at times we need to compromise in relationships, particularly when it comes to readiness to commit. You can’t force someone into something before they’re ready.
But relationships can be one-sided when they’re all about the comfort and speed that your partner needs or wants. Your need for commitment and progression doesn’t get a say, because you forfeit it to keep your spouse happy.
But you matter, too.
If you want to commit more in your relationship, but your partner is holding back, what happens eventually? Something has to. Ultimately, if you want different things or you want them at different times, loving them harder won’t force their minds into changing and suddenly wanting what you want.
Maybe the answer is finding someone who aligns with your values, so you can both have the life you want, rather than one of you making all the sacrifices and then resenting it years down the line.
4. Believing that if they change who they are, their partner will love them more.
If you’ve done this before, I ask you: Who are you trying to be?
I fell into this trap. I really loved my first boyfriend, and I noted his obsession with a certain late 90s early 00s popstar. I have the darkest features you could imagine, yet I did it. I went blonde. I used fake tan to the point where I looked grubby, and all to make myself look like this woman he was so distracted by.
I wasn’t me, and in hindsight, that was the result of a very insecure person wanting to be loved and desired. I thought that if I became what he wanted, I’d get that love.
But is that really a love worth having if you have to become someone else to receive it?
Oh, to go back and do it all again. I wouldn’t allow myself to walk into the supermarket and buy that peroxide kit and hair cap.
No offence to blondes, who are beautiful. It’s just that I personally looked like someone from Twilight who’d had a baby with an Oompa-Loompa.
It’s not a good look, I’m sure you’ll agree. But more than that, it wasn’t me.
Yes, we should all strive to be the best versions of ourselves, but that shouldn’t mean living inauthentically for someone else’s benefit, be that in our appearance, hobbies, personality or anything else.
5. Overinvesting before their partner has shown anything close.
Think about the relationships you’ve been in, and ask yourself this question:
Have you ever gone into a relationship and straight away given 110% of your energy, as well as your commitment, before you’ve even seen a fraction of it in return?
I certainly have.
You set the tone early in the relationship, giving 90% while your partner has only given 10%. When you overinvest early, you end up stuck. It’s the sunk cost fallacy at play. You’ve put in so much effort that you don’t want it to be a waste, so you keep waiting for them to show up, and you hope every day they do.
But they never do.
You find yourself wasting precious years of your life seeking something that will never stand a chance of existing. Because if they were going to invest like you, they would have done so already.
Relationships are about give and take. You need to find someone who understands and believes this. Don’t overgive straight away. Let things evolve slowly and give your partner a chance to show their hand too before you give them too much of yours.
6. Falling in love with the idea of the relationship, not the relationship they’ve actually got.
Psychologists call this idealization, and it’s a trap that many of us fall into.
You have this image of what a perfect relationship is in your mind, and you float away daydreaming daily about all the fairytale-esque things you want and can picture.
Then you meet someone who doesn’t quite live up to that expectation, but you’re so desperate for the fairytale that your mind fills in the gaps and you find yourself doing all the heavy lifting to keep the dream alive.
With due respect, I daydream about what my life would be like if I married Joshua Jackson at least once a week, but the chances of that happening are zero (sob).
We can think what we want, but reality is where we should root ourselves.
A person who consistently keeps the fairytale flame alight for both people is a person who is doing all the work. And that’s far from fair.
So ask yourself: are you really in the perfect relationship, or do you wish you were?
7. Letting empathy and compassion cloud judgment.
“They mean well.” “They’re just busy, that’s all.” “They struggle with their feelings.” “They love me, they’re just forgetful.” “They want to do things, they just find it hard to make decisions.”
This isn’t empathy. It’s excuses.
You’re waiting for the person you love to show up, but you’ll wait forever if your empathy doesn’t come with a side of boundaries. Your life will flash by quicker than lightning, and you’ll still be there with that forced smile and excuse, saying, “They will be here any minute; they just like to take their time.”
You haven’t got that much time! All the while you’re standing there giving them your empathy, you’re missing the people walking by who would otherwise stop and enjoy life with you.
You can be understanding; we should all be. What you can’t do is let someone take advantage of your empathy. You have to set limits. It’s the hardest thing; I know that from my own life experience. But you’re worth so much more than that.
Final thoughts…
There’s nothing wrong with loving hard, but when that love is keeping the relationship alive for the both of you, it might be time to start asking why you’re giving so much more than your partner is.
The question I’d ask is this: can you see yourself giving that same level of love and getting a fraction in return for the next ten years of your life, and would that make you happy?
It’s okay to admit you’re in the wrong kind of relationship and to walk away. There’s no shame in things not working out. And I’m afraid if you’ve fallen into the above patterns, there’s simply no way you’re in the right relationship for you.
