There will hopefully come a point in your life where you realize that you should stop justifying yourself to anyone – including yourself.
Like many people, I struggled with this for a long time because I thought if I just made myself understood, then other people would understand.
Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.
More often than not, it was a waste of time and energy because the other person had no intention of even trying to understand.
Unfortunately, many people simply don’t want to understand, while others are just committed to misunderstanding. As such, know your worth, and don’t waste your time justifying these nine things to anyone – including yourself.
1. Your boundaries.
Reasonable boundaries do not need justification. People who are new to setting boundaries often feel like they need to explain why they have a particular boundary, and that if they do, the other person will understand and respect it.
But that’s not how it actually works in life.
Instead, what actually happens is that the people who respect your reasonable boundaries will just accept them, explanation or not.
And the people who want you to explain your boundaries are often looking for a way around them.
Discussion gives them implied permission to debate your boundaries to try to pick holes in them. It opens a door for them to argue about what your boundaries should be and why. And if they happen to be a manipulative person, they will find a way through them.
Instead, respect yourself and your boundaries by not giving them that opportunity.
2. Prioritizing your mental health.
I’ve lived with Bipolar Disorder for over 30 years. So when I say there is nothing more important to me than my mental health, understand that it does not come from a shallow place.
The worst-case scenario for people with Bipolar Disorder is suicide, and that’s not even accounting for the damaged relationships, lost opportunities, and general life destruction.
As such, nothing is more important to me than my mental health, because my mental health is life or death.
I’ve broken up with partners, left jobs, and dropped friends who weren’t good for my mental health, and I’m not sorry for any of it.
I don’t make these decisions lightly, but if I’m put into a position where I have to choose, I will choose my sanity every time. Because I know my life and my sanity are worth it.
I don’t need to justify protecting my mental health in that way, and neither do you.
3. Not meeting other people’s expectations.
The fact of the matter is, you don’t owe anyone anything. You definitely don’t owe them a particular version of you that they want, nor an explanation of why you’re not meeting their expectation.
In fact, anyone who would expect you to shrink yourself to meet their expectations is probably not someone you want to be close to in the first place. They are probably someone who only likes an unrealistic version of you or a version of you who is useful to them.
You are not obligated to meet anyone’s expectations. Your self-worth is not reliant on the approval of others. And if you allow it to be, you’ll find that you can’t maintain your happiness because no one else can define happiness for you. What’s more, that person might not have your best interests in mind.
Someone who truly values you will value all of you, not just the pleasant or useful parts.
4. Needing rest instead of constant productivity.
For many, life carries a sense of urgency that makes us feel like we always need to be doing something. And if we’re not doing something, we feel we need to justify why we have earned that privilege, to ourselves and others.
There’s always work to be done, housework to handle, or something going on that demands our attention. We can get so busy that we forget the importance of stopping to take a breath, or to just take an afternoon off and be a lump for a few hours.
But your brain and body need regular rest to maintain themselves. I’ve always disliked the metaphor of people “working like a machine.” Because as someone who’s worked with machinery, I can tell you that if you don’t take machines down for regular rest and maintenance, they will break down in spectacularly expensive ways.
It’s very similar to how the brain and body will break down with constant stress, and things like high blood pressure, a compromised immune system, or anxiety.
When you finally learn that your worth is inherent and is not defined by your output, you begin to see just how ridiculous pushing through your exhaustion and having to justify rest is.
5. Not being available all the time.
There is nothing more annoying than the expectation to always be reachable. Maybe it’s because I’m middle-aged and I remember a time before cellphones, but these things can be an anchor.
I find that I sometimes have to inform new acquaintances or other people that my phone is for my convenience to reach the world, not the other way around.
Many workplaces want to keep you reachable at all times because they feel entitled to your time, even when you aren’t on the clock. They want you answering emails, to be available 24/7 for questions, or to take their phone calls.
But your time outside of work is precious, and it’s yours. So know your worth and disconnect with no apologies or justification required. And if you don’t feel like you can, I’d suggest using a second phone that is solely dedicated to work.
You can get an inexpensive pay-as-you-go phone from a retailer or use an old phone after you upgrade. That way, when you’re not at work, you can just turn that phone off or stick it somewhere out of sight, out of mind.
6. Past mistakes you’ve already taken responsibility for.
It’s unfortunate how many people out there want you to live in a perpetual state of “I’m sorry.” I suspect that a lot of it has to do with them using other people to feel superior about themselves, and to make them feel better about their own mistakes.
But that is their problem, not yours.
At some point, once you’ve learned that your mistakes do not define you and that you are still a worthy human being, you just have to wave those people off and get on with your life.
If you’ve made a mistake, you’ve taken responsibility for it and learned from it, you’re allowed to move on from it with your head held high.
You don’t have to keep apologizing. Instead, you can say, “I’ve apologized, I’ve done what I could to make up for my mistake, and I’m done talking about it.”
Of course, it’s important that you have actually taken responsibility and tried to fix it; otherwise, it is a you issue, and it will destroy your relationships.
7. Choosing your peace over being right.
The quality of my life has gone up exponentially since I’ve chosen peace over being right.
Now, I will absolutely argue or defend if I feel like the discussion is worthwhile. However, in situations where the person is irrational or unreasonable, I just don’t care anymore.
2+2=5? Is the sky green? Lizard people control the government?
Sure man. Go spread the good word.
I had no idea how much mental and emotional energy I wasted until I stopped entertaining delusion, bad faith, and Devil’s Advocate arguments.
I have no time for it now, and I really don’t care anymore. It’s given me so much more time and mental energy to dedicate to things that are actually important, and I value myself and my peace far too much to waste it on trying to justify things to people who aren’t interested in reasonable discussion.
8. Asking for help when you need it.
As a young man, I had the perspective that I should be able to handle everything on my own. I believed that I had to solve all of my problems on my own. I believed to need help was a sign of weakness.
In hindsight, it was such a laughably naive, toxic belief. The world is far too vast and deep for anyone to know everything or figure everything out on their own.
I needed mental health professionals to help sort out my problems, work on my trauma, and create a better life. My issues weren’t minor. I have a severe mental illness and unaddressed trauma. Those simply aren’t things that I could figure out myself.
Accepting that and reaching out is strength, not weakness.
I still try to solve problems on my own when I can, but I don’t apologize or feel the need to justify why I need help or don’t have all the answers anymore.
9. Being different from who you used to be.
Some people don’t want to grow and change. And some people don’t want you to grow and change.
Many people like the status quo, for whatever reason, even if it may not be good. Many people choose known dysfunction because that’s what’s comfortable. That’s what they know, and they understand how to live in that environment even if it’s detrimental to their health.
As such, personal growth and learning your worth will cause you to move away from situations and people who don’t want to grow too.
It would be wonderful if everyone wanted to be and do better, but that isn’t the way a lot of people are.
Growth is hard and sometimes painful. Sometimes, it means you have to outgrow your friends, situations, or expectations. That’s difficult, but it’s ok, and you don’t have to justify it to anyone else’s satisfaction.
Closing thoughts…
You should never apologize for taking care of yourself, or feel like you have to justify acts of self-care and self-respect.
You are the one who is in the best position to advocate for yourself so that you can create the kind of life that you want.
And as you grow, your life is going to change. Social circles and circumstances may change, and that’s ok. Anyone who would force you to justify or apologize for that is probably not someone you want close.
Instead, make space for new things by shedding that which is trying to hold you back. Be unapologetic, be brave, and be bold as you move forward knowing your own worth.
