“Congratulations! This certificate is to confirm that you are now emotionally mature!”
You and I both know that this isn’t how maturity arrives, knocking on your door with pride. But it will usually come with telltale signs, and the abandonment of the following habits tend to be some of them.
What’s more, the good news is that while people’s emotional development will naturally differ, it’s a skill that can be worked on at any age.
Of course, you won’t nail it perfectly every single time. But as you progress, you’ll be aware of the times you slip up, you’ll learn from them, and they’ll become the exception, rather than the rule.
And if the following already sound familiar, then congratulations, your certificate probably is in the mail.
7 habits people let go of as they become more emotionally mature:
1. Wanting to win every disagreement they run into.
You have a disagreement with someone, and you’re not satisfied until you’ve said your piece, and the other person has agreed with you.
You walk away with a smile. Of course you’re right.
Answer me this, though: is anyone ever always right? I’m afraid only a person who is as delusional as they are immature could say yes and honestly believe it.
Sometimes we’re wrong. You’re wrong, I’m wrong; everyone is wrong.
It’s far wiser and more emotionally mature to just sit up and admit that. It’s okay to realize we didn’t have all the information, that our information was outdated or just based on opinion, not fact. Reasonable people will respect that. They will actually trust you more for that, not less.
Sadly, there are a lot of people out there who are insistent on protecting their ego because they see it as a sign of weakness to do otherwise. But it’s anything but. In fact, so many good things happen when you can admit you were wrong.
2. Using distance or silence as a punishment.
I know this one all too well. Different people I’ve encountered, as well as some I grew up with, were masters at using the silent treatment as a weapon. They’d pull back just when we were connecting, or I’d do or say something they didn’t approve of, and the silence came.
This could last for days, and I would be checking in, asking if I did something wrong, and they wouldn’t give me the time of day.
Many people don’t realize, but depending on the circumstances this behavior can equate to emotional abuse. It’s a form of emotional manipulation and control.
And even if it’s not being done with malicious intention, the outcome on the person on the receiving end is the same, and that’s why people who have gained emotional maturity won’t do it.
If they once engaged in this habit, they now see the error of their ways and work hard to eliminate this habit from their relationships.
3. Keeping score of everything.
You stop calling your friend because she hardly calls you. You start ignoring texts from friends who are always so slow to respond. You keep track of how many times you take the bins out. You take a mental note of how many takeouts you get in comparison to how many your spouse buys.
Therapist Dr Kathleen Smith, who specializes in relationship systems, describes this as immature functioning. Rather than just communicating their needs or that the relationship feels unbalanced, those who are emotionally immature keep tallies, which never ends well.
The relationship, whatever type it may be, becomes filled with unmet needs, resentment and passive aggression.
If that sounds like you, this way of being will likely affect every aspect of your life until you let go of it. And you can! I’m making it sound easy, of course, but you really can rid yourself of this habit with time and practice.
Relationships should absolutely be balanced and fair, but the way to achieve that is rarely through private tallies.
Instead, the emotionally mature thing to do is to voice your need, respectfully but directly, rather than relying on hints and passive aggressive comments while wondering why the scores never match up.
4. Looking for closure from people who refuse to give it.
Many people keep looking for closure from people who will not surrender it to them, but an emotionally mature person learns that closure can come from themselves, too.
It’s like being ghosted by someone, then waiting your whole life for them to tell you why they ghosted you. You wait, and wait, and wait. Surprise… Nothing happens. They were immature for ghosting you, but you can be mature in finding your own way to move on from it.
When you grow in emotional maturity, you begin to realize all the beautiful ways you can offer yourself closure. If you can let go of looking for it, closure will find you naturally.
I think this is what’s happened to me in the past; I waited and waited for someone to explain why they left, when all I had to do was pay attention to their actions and behavior and understand that it was very much a them problem.
They were the reason. Problem solved.
I had to wise up before the whole thing ate me up.
5. Mistaking familiarity for safety.
I genuinely find this one of the most fascinating aspects of human life – the idea that if something is familiar, then it’s safe.
We sit in our little comfort zones, and we assume that anything outside of it is dangerous and should be avoided.
Many of the patterns we adhere to aren’t done so because they serve us; they are maintained because they are familiar. Yet they keep us feeling stuck, disconnected, unfulfilled, and exhausted.
It’s how our nervous systems learn: through repetition. Over time, familiar patterns become easier to predict, and what’s predictable often feels safer than what’s unknown, even when those familiar patterns are hurting us.
It’s essentially a nervous system that hasn’t yet learned that there is a better way.
Emotional maturity often involves recognizing that familiar isn’t always the same thing as safe. It means being willing to step out of our comfort zones and choose differently. If we can gently practice new ways, our nervous systems will and do adapt. The key is getting started and not giving up just because it’s uncomfortable.
6. Abandoning themselves to keep other people happy.
What a terrible way to tell yourself that you don’t matter. People do this left, right, and center, and I’ve been guilty of it myself in the past.
Keeping people happy at your own expense is the worst way to take care of yourself. You’re teaching your body and mind that everything else trumps it, and it’s a habit that can be hard to shake if you practice this daily.
Your physical, mental, and emotional needs are suppressed and replaced by what they need. You feel the only way to survive is to stay quiet to keep the peace, or to make excuses for everyone else’s behavior.
Do you know how damaging that is? I know, because I’ve abandoned myself multiple times, and it never has a happy ending.
It’s also not very emotionally mature.
People may think it’s mature and noble to put others first, but all it does is build resentment and deny their authentic self. I feel angry that I allowed myself to be lost like that; I was too emotionally flexible for people who weren’t willing to move an inch.
Now that I’m more emotionally mature, I’ve learned to communicate my needs, and honestly, working on that was one of the best things I’ve done for myself.
7. Telling everyone that you’re okay when you’re swamped by life.
Let it out, honestly. Life swamps us all from time to time, and if you’re not letting that stress out, you’re trapping it inside your body. We all know how bad that is.
We tell people we’re okay, or we certainly give that impression when we bump into each other, or catch up. But often that’s not emotional maturity, it’s emotional suppression.
Of course, part of that might just be that it’s not the right time or place or you don’t want to drag the other person’s mood down with your problems. That’s reasonable.
But the funny thing is, you don’t know if other people are doing the exact same thing with you, too. Plastering on a smile when really they want to say they’re not ok.
I went through a trauma back in 2018, and I probably still haven’t recovered from it. At the time, I didn’t say anything, but over the next year, I began to.
I told people who literally said, “Me too.” I had no idea how many people carry their experiences and don’t open up unless they get permission first.
Now, of course there is a fine line here. Not everyone has the bandwidth to deal with what you’re going through, and emotional maturity understands that.
But there is a middle ground. Honor your reality while respecting other people’s limits. Let go of pretending you’re okay and let those who can, help you.
They might surprise you, if you do.
Final thoughts…
I really want people to stop telling themselves that they deal with things brilliantly, when they’re not even able to take responsibility for their own emotions.
It isn’t always toxic, but it is immature to consistently deflect or shut down important conversations or to blame someone else for your issues. Yet we all do it.
If you want to develop emotional maturity (and who doesn’t?) you have to be willing to honestly reflect on these habits, and keep reflecting on them your whole life. It takes a lot of self-awareness and a lot of conscious effort and course correcting to change things that for most of us are deeply ingrained and automatic.
The question is, are you ready to do that?
