If you ask people who have been married for decades whether their marriages had turned out the way they’d hoped, just about all of them will share regrets about what they wish had unfolded differently.
Some may still be married to their high school sweethearts, others might be divorced or widowed, but whatever their current status is, there are undoubtedly aspects that they would have changed if they could go back and do it all over again. By paying attention to their regrets, hopefully, others can adjust their own relationships for a healthier, happier outcome.
1. It would have been a better idea if they’d lived together for longer before marrying.
An astonishing number of people talk about how their partner changed once they were married, as though they became a completely different person from the one they had been before. Generally, when people first get together, they’re on their best behavior. They’re kind, courteous, tidy, and hygienic… until they get comfortable enough to let their facades drop and their true colors shine through.
Living together before marriage definitely comes with advantages, according to relationship experts. A few years of cohabitation is usually long enough for someone’s natural tendencies to assert themselves, so you can see what they’re really like. That said, some people do keep their true natures tamped down until they’ve “secured” their partner with a wedding ring. Then, they feel safe in letting their less savory attributes out of the closet since it’s harder for said partner to leave them without legal proceedings.
This really reiterates the importance of being friends with a person before marrying them. By doing so, one can learn more about them and determine whether they’re really life partner material or not.
2. They wish they had been more protective of their boundaries instead of staying quiet to avoid conflict.
It’s a lot easier to establish a boundary in a relationship early and protect it from there on in than to try to create one after certain behaviors have gone on for several years. Once regular habits are established, people tend to either get defensive about having to change them or stubbornly dig their heels in and push back because they’re comfortable with things the way they are.
Unfortunately, if one partner in a couple stays quiet to keep the peace early on and then admits years later that X issue makes them uncomfortable, the precedent they’ve set can be very difficult to change.
The key is to be confident and self-assured enough to set a healthy boundary early on and keep defending it as time goes by. Going this route saves people a lot of grief in the long run.
3. If they could go back and do it again, they would have kept at least some of their finances separate.
This is a lesson I learned the hard way, and countless other people have experienced similar. It’s great to work with your spouse as part of a united team, but when it comes to finances, it’s also important to keep certain aspects separate.
For example, it’s a good idea to have a joint account from which things like rent/mortgage, utility bills, groceries, and household items can be bought, but it’s also vital for each partner to have their own accounts. They can each tap into these for personal purchases, and can also set aside nest eggs or emergency funds for worst-case scenarios.
Few things are as devastating as suddenly needing emergency funds for an unexpected vet bill or a leaking roof, only to discover that your spouse has spent your combined savings on something frivolous. Similarly, if the marriage goes sour and you need to get out in a hurry, not having your own financial cushion can forcibly prevent you from getting to a safer location.
My advice is to always maintain a bank account of your own, just in case. If I had gone this route instead of having a shared account, I could have extricated myself from my first, long-term, unhealthy partnership much earlier.
4. It would have benefited them greatly to meet their spouse’s parents/family far sooner.
Some people don’t meet their spouse’s relatives until their wedding day, and then discover just what type of family they’re marrying into. Furthermore, if you don’t get to meet your partner’s parents or siblings ahead of time, you won’t get to know details about their potential health issues. For example, you might discover that certain inheritable diseases run in the family (which your future spouse never disclosed to you), which might influence whether you choose to go ahead with the wedding. Even though you’re choosing to marry someone in sickness and health, you still have a right to know what you’re signing up for.
What’s more, it’s a potential red flag if the person you’re dating refuses to let you meet their family. Of course, many people grow up in abusive situations and want nothing to do with their relatives after they’ve left home, but many others keep their partners isolated from anyone who might share details about their past that they’d rather keep hidden. They can only control their chosen narrative if nobody can contradict it.
5. They should have been firmer about family members overstepping or intruding.
A lot of folks tolerate behaviors from their in-laws that they absolutely loathe because they feel obligated to do so. This can range from their partners’ siblings or parents letting themselves into the house with spare keys whenever they feel like it, to offering unsolicited advice about health, housekeeping, or child rearing.
A married couple has to be a united team in all things, and this includes being each other’s protectors against intrusive parental influence. Many parents try to maintain their dominance over their adult children (and their spouses), and if said spouses don’t stand up to them and make it clear that their actions are unacceptable, this behavior will continue. When nobody speaks up, nothing changes, and that can put a great deal of strain on any marriage.
6. They wish they’d discussed things that were negatively affecting the marriage, instead of letting resentment build.
Many married people remain quiet about things that they feel are negatively affecting their marriage in order to maintain the status quo. They know that things will be disharmonious if they voice their concerns, and rather than risk tension — or even potential divorce — they swallow their feelings and make do with what they have. The phrase “it could be worse” gets bandied about often, as though the things they’re tolerating shouldn’t bother them at all. Yet the reality is often that they’re not asking too much, and the standard needs to be raised in their marriage.
For some, resentment has built up over unfair domestic labor distribution or a lack of respect for personal space. In other cases, they felt lonely because their spouse prioritized their own interests over time spent together, or they felt a lack of attraction towards a partner who neglected their own personal hygiene, fitness, and appearance.
Issues left unspoken lead to grudges and bitterness, so it’s far better to discuss the uncomfortable topic and work to resolve it than spend years growing apart.
7. They knew they had married the wrong person, and should have ended things earlier.
This is last on the list because it’s a regret shared by so many. Countless people realized quite early on that they had married the wrong person, or that they were incompatible for many reasons, but decided to keep trying to make it work anyway. Some even had children in an attempt to fix their marriage woes, which just ended up making things so much worse in the long run. A surprisingly large number of people choose the stability of an unhappy marriage instead of getting divorced.
Just because a marriage ends doesn’t mean that it “failed”. This is an unhealthy perspective to hold because it implies that any endeavor has to be lifelong in order to be valid. We move on from jobs that are a poor fit, or dwellings that we outgrow, and the same is true for relationships. If someone knows that they married the wrong person, staying with them for another five decades isn’t going to make things any better.
Final thoughts…
We’re often encouraged to learn from other people’s mistakes in order to sort out our own lives, but this only works if we’re viewing our lives with clear eyes. A lot of people remain in a state of denial about their circumstances, with clarity only coming into focus in hindsight.
Aim to look at your partnership with loving compassion and honesty, and be real with yourself (and your spouse) about issues that need to be addressed. The sooner you do so, the faster you’ll be able to sort everything out for the better.
