Many of us have woken up to the fact that we were being used by someone — that we weren’t getting any kind of a return on what we were putting in. This might have occurred after a short period of time, or it might have been a sudden, crystal-clear epiphany after years of imbalance.
Whatever the circumstance, feeling used is a terrible thing to experience, and it’s even worse when the ones mistreating us are those we love or hold in high regard. If you’re a naturally kind person who’s tired of feeling used, it’s time to put the following things into action.
1. Bring attention to the lack of reciprocity.
Many relationships are terribly imbalanced as far as reciprocity goes, which can lead to resentment and breakdown over time. For example, you might have gone above and beyond to put together an amazing array of themed gifts for your partner as a holiday surprise, and they’ve only gotten you a gift card and a pair of socks in return.
If things haven’t been balanced or reciprocal for some time, stop what you’ve been doing and see if they do or say anything about it. If they express surprise or disappointment because you haven’t been putting in the same effort as usual, make it clear that they haven’t reciprocated your efforts for some time, and that from now on, you’ll be mirroring the same amount of energy they give you.
2. Establish and defend new boundaries as need be.
Creating boundaries after you’ve been feeling used for a while can be quite harrowing because it requires changing an established dynamic, and rarely goes well. In fact, it can lead to some pretty nasty fights, breakups, or even lost opportunities.
Case in point, I once had to leave a job that reneged on the agreement we made when they hired me. I was working on a construction site, and found out that my boss had lied about my training in order to get more of a budget to pay me… but he was pocketing half of it and only paying me about half of what we’d agreed upon. He refused to honor our agreement when confronted about it, so I had to leave.
When establishing and defending new boundaries, you need to be prepared to walk away for your own well-being if you need to.
3. Encourage people to do the things they’re capable of doing themselves.
Sometimes, the small kindnesses that people do for others end up setting a precedent for how the relationship will unfold from then onward. You might see this in a relationship in which one partner does a kindness for the other early on, and is then expected to keep doing it for the rest of their time together. They never established that they’d take it on forever: they’ve been taken advantage of, but they are too kind (or non-confrontational) to put a stop to it now.
If you’re dealing with a situation like this, take a step back and tell the person in question that they’re perfectly capable of taking care of this task on their own. You can do this playfully or seriously, depending on your personality type (and theirs). Ask them why they aren’t taking care of this themselves, and if they respond that, well, you’ve always done it, make it clear that they’re responsible for it from now on. Expect pushback, but hold your ground.
4. Prioritize your own needs.
Many of us were raised with the idea that we need to put everyone else’s needs ahead of our own, or even sacrifice ourselves to make other people happy. In reality, people who care about each other create an equal give and take to ensure that both feel supported and fulfilled.
If you’ve been given far more than you’ve been receiving for a while now, adjust your energy so that your own needs are the top priority. This is the emotional equivalent of putting on a life vest or oxygen mask before seeing to anyone else’s needs: you can’t help others if you don’t ensure your own well-being first.
5. Say “no” more often.
People who end up feeling used are often those who say “yes” when they’d prefer to say “no” because they don’t want to risk disappointing anyone (or being on the receiving end of other people’s anger). The problem here is that saying “no” is the only way to stop them from taking you for granted or being pressured into doing things you don’t want to do.
Make it a priority to say “no” more often, even if it means that others will be butthurt about it. They’re used to you providing them with what they want on call, so they’re going to be resentful and try to push back on that with guilt trips or other manipulation. Don’t tolerate it, and also recognize that you aren’t obligated to explain yourself to anyone. As the young people say: “No” is a complete sentence.
6. Determine how you may have been contributing to this dynamic.
One of the most important things you can do to stop feeling used — both now and in the future — is to determine whether you’ve been contributing to the circumstances that led to this feeling. For example, have you been speaking up when things feel unfair, or just carrying on to avoid conflict? Are your “acts of service” oriented to your own detriment?
When we’re honest with ourselves about which of our actions may have led to our current situations, we can take the actions that are needed to stem the flow, so to speak. If you’ve been remaining quiet in the face of injustice, start speaking out, and if you’ve been wearing yourself thin for others’ benefit, stop immediately.
7. Create distance between yourself and those who have been using you.
If you speak up about how you’ve been feeling used and the people who have been benefitting from your generosity and labor respond with mockery or contempt instead of apology and positive action, that tells you that you need to distance yourself from them.
It’s likely that they’ve been loving the effort you’ve been putting into them, and might even feel entitled to it on some level. As a result, they’ll get angry with you for cutting off their supply. They might even try to coerce you back with promises that they’ll do right by you, but don’t believe them: had they wanted to do so, they would have already put in the effort.
8. Do the self-work needed so you don’t repeat unhealthy patterns.
Take some time to look back upon the various relationships you’ve had over the years — both romantic and platonic, and make notes (mental or written) about repeated patterns you’ve noticed in them.
For example, have many of your friends used you like a counsellor instead of having a balanced, reciprocal relationship? Have your romantic partners been emotionally unavailable but physically demanding?
If you find that certain patterns have been repeating, you’re likely stuck in a cycle in which you keep being drawn to the same types of people. This often happens subconsciously when someone is trying to repair a relationship they had in their youth: they seek out similar circumstances in the hope of getting things right this time.
By being introspective and analytical about contributing factors, you can free yourself from these repeated, unhealthy patterns and open yourself up to more nurturing, supportive relationships instead.
9. Cultivate relationships with people who sincerely appreciate you, and reciprocate your efforts.
When you’re cultivating a new relationship with someone, pay special attention to whether they match your energy and efforts, or if they take much more than they give back. If they fall into the latter category, set them loose and focus your attention on the former instead.
Ultimately, the best way to avoid feeling used is to stop wasting time on people who use you. This may require you to distance yourself from friends or family members who have been disrespecting you and taking you for granted for years (or even decades), and that’s going to hurt. But the pain will be much less than destroying yourself for others’ benefit and receiving nothing in return.
Final thoughts…
It’s a sad truth that the kindest, gentlest people end up being used the most. If you fall into this category, you’ve likely had your heart broken countless times because you’ve tried so hard to be sweet, generous, and caring towards those around you, only to have your efforts taken for granted again and again.
Please don’t let the world’s cruelties harden your heart. Instead, aim to put yourself in circumstances where your kindness will thrive, rather than being trampled on — plant the rose of your soul in rich soil, not between sidewalk cracks in a sad, grey slum.
