When the average unmarried person thinks about marriage, their focus is often on the big day, in which they get to exchange vows in front of their friends and family. Whatever happens afterwards belongs under the “happily ever after” umbrella, and is expected to go smoothly, lovingly, and perfectly forevermore.
The reality is that marriages have many aspects that are quite challenging, and some can even be devastating. Here are several harsh truths about marriage that most people only learn about after they’ve invested a great deal of time and effort into their partnership.
1. “For better or for worse” sometimes means sharing responsibility for your partner’s poor life choices.
Several years ago, a friend of mine ended up getting evicted from his house because his wife — who was responsible for the mortgage payments — had “forgotten” to pay them for nearly a year. Similarly, another friend’s ex racked up thousands of dollars in debt because he didn’t have any freelance work for months and was putting tons of household expenses on their shared credit card without telling her, nor informing her that he was out of work.
Marriage isn’t just about two people sharing breakfasts and childcare and movie nights together: it also yokes both spouses together as far as personal responsibilities are concerned. Whatever affects your partner also affects you, and that goes for things like debt, reputation, and the fallout from less-than-stellar life choices.
2. Being married doesn’t mean you’ll never feel lonely again.
In fact, many married people feel much lonelier than they did when they were single, especially if their spouses complain when they go out, but make no effort to spend time with them when they’re at home.
The emotional connection that many couples feel at the beginning of their relationship often fizzles out after a few years of marriage, especially if there’s a great deal of stress involved. Furthermore, one partner might prefer solitude while the other aches for company, or they might get jealous if the other spouse has close friends. This can be incredibly isolating, with people experiencing a level of loneliness they never imagined possible after marriage.
3. There is rarely an equal balance of labor and responsibility.
If you asked all the married couples you know whether they have an equal balance of labor and responsibility, the vast majority of answers will be “yes” from one spouse, and either a solid “no” or a mere shrug from the other. Even if both work full-time, one will inevitably shoulder more of the responsibility, mental and emotional labor, and household tasks than the other.
A lot of people were raised by parents who never expected them to contribute to household chores and management, and thus they depend upon their spouses to give them task lists and explain what they want done. This adds even more labor onto an already exhausted person who doesn’t just have to deal with their own chores: they have to do all the thinking and planning for another adult as well.
4. You’ll often find out who you really married after the “best behavior” mask slips off.
A startling number of people have said that after the rings were exchanged, their spouses became completely different people — almost as though a switch had been flipped. Suddenly, their loving, affectionate, attentive spouse was reclusive and surly, or expected them to essentially be their servant.
This is because a lot of people are on their best behavior until they “lock in” a partner with a marriage contract. Then they can let the mask drop so their real personality can assert itself. They assume that they’ve gotten their spouse exactly where they want them, and now that it’s a legally binding contract, it’s more difficult for them to leave.
5. Marriage doesn’t guarantee a healthy, regular physical intimacy.
Just because you’re married, that doesn’t mean you’re going to have as much bedroom action as you’d like. In fact, most marriages see a significant decline in frequency and satisfaction of physical intimacy after the first couple of years, after the first blush of newness and attraction has worn off.
And the more stress and exhaustion that arise over time, the less couples are inclined to be physically intimate. This can lead to a marriage feeling more like a business partnership, or a pair of housemates (or even siblings) sharing a space. Add resentment into the mix, and you have a recipe for affairs or separation.
6. Both partners will change significantly over time.
While some people remain fairly consistent throughout life as far as their personalities and behaviors are concerned, others change a great deal — sometimes for the better, sometimes worse. Some individuals end up shocked and saddened to discover that the amazing people they fell in love with and married have evolved into creatures they can barely stand to be around.
In other situations, the spouses may love each other dearly, but personal issues and life circumstances can alter their dynamic significantly. Hormonal shifts or health concerns in either partner can affect everything from how they get along to how often they’re intimate.
Chronic pain, disinterest, disability, shifting goals/interests, and mental/emotional health challenges will all affect the partnership on a long-term basis, and how the couple copes with these challenges together will determine whether the marriage lasts or falls apart.
7. Love ebbs and flows.
Think of love rather like a garden. There will be times in which it’s in full bloom, others in which it’s flourishing and ripe, and other times in which it’s nearly barren and fallow. There will be times in which your heart will brim with love for the amazing person you’ve married, and other times when you don’t feel much at all. Or if you do feel anything, it might be irritation.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s anything wrong with your marriage, but simply that nobody can be “on” all the time. Unfortunately, many people think that any emotions that deviate from saccharine joy at togetherness mean there’s something wrong, and they should divorce. In reality, the marriage will ebb and flow, with times of great closeness and other times of distance or contempt.
8. Sometimes, people marry the wrong person but stick it out due to the sunk cost fallacy.
A lot of people marry those whom they think will make great partners for various reasons, instead of choosing those they really want to be with. Others marry people whom they think have great potential (the “I can fix them” mentality), only to end up saddled with a partner whose negative traits and habits only get worse over time.
After several years have passed and someone accepts the reality that they married the wrong person, they might feel that they’ve sunk so much time, effort, money, etc., into this marriage that it would be stupid for them to leave now.
This is particularly true if it’s an older couple, as they may feel like they aren’t attractive or appealing enough to find someone else, or that they’re simply too tired to start over. As a result, they stick around due to complacency and resignation rather than love or sincere commitment.
9. One of you is going to die first.
This is the harshest truth to contend with, even though most people are already fairly aware of it (but choosing not to think about it). Those who are blessed enough to have amazing, loving, seemingly perfect marriages must deal with the terrible reality that one of them is going to end up as a heartbroken widower at some point.
There are very rare occasions in which both partners exit stage left around the same time and are thus spared too much pain and loss, but the vast majority will eventually have to face the devastating agony of living without their Everything.
Final thoughts…
When you’re with the right person, marriage can be the most amazing relationship you could ever imagine. You have your ride-or-die by your side through the best and worst of times, and you can share silly, seemingly insignificant experiences with them with just as much joy as big, life-changing events.
These harsh truths aren’t meant to dissuade anyone from taking the plunge and committing to a spouse long-term: they’re simply issues that many people contend with in their marriages, and should be taken into consideration for the well-being of everyone involved.
