Do you remember when you and your partner first started dating? The giddy little thrills you’d get when they’d call or text you, and how eagerly you looked forward to spending time together?
Fast forward several years, and you might be annoyed by the sound of each other’s breathing if you’re in the same room, or you’re sighing at the doldrums of your Groundhog Day-like existence. Well, good news: you can rekindle the excitement you once felt at being in each other’s company with a few simple adjustments.
1. Get to know each other again.
One of the most exciting things about dating is getting to know someone new. It’s like opening a multi-layered gift, finding new treasures as each layer is unpeeled. Most couples in long-term relationships get bored with each other’s company because they’re in a space with the same person day after day, year after year. So what happens when you suddenly learn new things about one another?
Think of things that you haven’t yet shared with your partner/spouse, even if they seem insignificant to you. Have you always wanted to learn to play guitar? What was your favorite book when you were a child? Is there a secret that you’ve never shared with anyone? Open yourself up and share something with this person that you’ve never told anyone else, and you’ll be surprised at how curiosity and “newness” can rekindle those sparks.
2. Re-enact some of your early dates.
When you look back at the beginning of your relationship, what was it that caused that spark to ignite initially? Did you connect over your favorite books over candlelight dinners? Or laugh uproariously while playing glow-in-the-dark mini golf?
Remind each other what it was that made you fall in love in the first place by re-creating some of your early dates. Leave the kids with family for the weekend and see if you can completely re-create an amazing night you had together early on. You might need to be careful if those early dates involved roller-skating or rock climbing, but you can adapt to suit your current physical capabilities as needed.
3. Escape banality.
It’s a sad truth that adult life can get extraordinarily boring at times, and this boredom can extend into your relationship dynamics. As a result, you may not be bored with your partner’s company per se, so much as the repetitive nature of your day-to-day lives. You can mix this up by escaping banality in a way that appeals to both of you.
For example, I have friends who are Viking re-enactors, and they go all-out with this endeavor. They make hand-sewn clothes with era-appropriate materials, have made wooden furniture by hand, and cook authentic meals when they’re doing weekend (or longer) events. They have different interests within this world, but this pursuit is something they’re both passionate about, and dressing up as Bjorn and Alva for a while allows them to escape the drudgery of office work and home responsibilities. They can live another life together, even temporarily, and that excitement keeps their embers blazing.
4. Spend more time doing your own thing.
Sometimes, the best antidote to boredom in the relationship is the opportunity to miss one another. People who have grown accustomed to being in each other’s company 24/7 (especially those who both work at home, are retired, etc.) often start to see each other as housemates or furniture; permanent fixtures they wander past every day, rather than dynamic partners.
Make a point of doing pursuits on your own, rather than being in each other’s pockets all the time. Put time towards your own hobbies, especially if they keep you out of the house on a regular basis.
In fact, if you can spend a significant amount of time apart, it’ll allow both of you to realize just how much you love to have each other around. Consider taking a leave of absence or discussing remote work with your employer, and go housesit for a friend or rent an Airbnb nearby. Time apart often equals space to breathe and an important perspective shift.
5. Change location.
If things have become boring and banal at home, then mix things up by going somewhere else. People who don’t have kids may consider subletting their homes and working abroad for a few months, but even a week or two on vacation can be an effective reset button for a relationship that’s gone stale.
How people are away on vacation is usually completely different from how they are at home. You may discover that the light comes back into your partner’s eyes when they’re eating spectacular food in a little restaurant by the sea, or dancing on a cruise ship. Even simply staying in a hotel for a few days, away from the home projects that need attending to and constant demands from others, can do wonders for rekindling the spark you two shared once upon a time.
6. Do something important together.
Is there a cause that the two of you both feel strongly about? If you don’t already support it and have always wanted to get more involved, there’s no time like the present to dive in and work together as a team to help make a difference. It’s even better if you have complementary skill sets that can tackle different aspects of the same pursuit.
For example, if you’ve both always wanted to get involved with an organization for Habitat for Humanity, one of you can put your carpentry skills to good use while the other runs a fundraising drive. Similarly, if one of you is a counselor and the other is a chef, you could look into outreach help for unhoused people, Meals on Wheels, or similar. Taking action to help others is an amazing way to rekindle sparks within you, and you’ll see each other with new appreciation, in a new light.
7. Experience something scary or challenging.
Sometimes, the way to bring back that exciting spark you once felt is to do something that scares both of you, especially if you need to work together to get through it. This doesn’t mean that you have to throw yourselves into deep-sea shark diving or paragliding off the Matterhorn: there are many thrilling, semi-scary things to experience closer to home that’ll open new doors in your relationship.
For example, you may develop a new appreciation for your spouse after they find the vital clue that’s needed to help you get out of an escape room, or if they throw themselves between you and a disturbingly sticky zombie in a haunted house adventure. Alternatively, if you really like walking on the wild side, you could try an outdoor adventure like taking a wilderness survival skills class together or learning to scuba dive.
8. Make old daydreams a reality.
When you first got together with your partner, chances are the two of you had several big and exciting plans that you wanted to make a reality together. Maybe you daydreamed about buying land and raising alpacas, or moving abroad and spending your days eating Burrata and olives on a sun-filled terrace. Now several years have passed, and the closest you’ve come to either of these is an alpaca stuffed toy and a cheesy pizza every Friday night.
Every. Friday. Night.
Now’s the time to sit down with your partner and determine whether you still have these dreams or whether others have taken their place. Then figure out what the possibilities are for actually making them a reality. If you two still want a life together, then making a dream happen as a team can very well be the spark to ignite the fire you once shared.
Final thoughts…
If you feel that you and your spouse are bored in each other’s company, ask yourselves this question: are you bored? Or are you comfortable?
Some people feel that there’s something wrong in their marriage/long-term partnership if they aren’t feeling the same spark they had at the beginning, but a comfortable relationship is more like a pair of shoes that you’ve broken in well. It’s a great, reliable fit that you can count on, even if it’s not necessarily as thrilling as it was when it was new.
