You know how some people’s bodies are kept alive with hospital equipment even after they’re technically deceased? The same thing can happen in a relationship. It’s been over for a while, but the people involved are still going through the motions in an attempt to make it appear like it’s still going strong.
Keep an eye out for the following behaviors, either in your own relationship or in those around you, as they’re key signs that the people involved are just maintaining the status quo.
1. Keeping conversations superficial and lighthearted.
Those whose relationships are in their death throes tend to avoid any subjects that may bring attention to that truth. As a result, they often keep all of their conversations superficial or fairly light-hearted. They’ll discuss things that happened on TV, what their social circle is up to, etc., without ever broaching deeper topics.
Another aspect of these kinds of conversations is that there’s little in the way of sharing feelings or offering emotional support. If there are tensions at work or anxieties about health issues, they won’t share them with one another. They know they won’t receive any support, so they turn to friends and family members instead. Similarly, they may not want to display any vulnerability, nor open the door to a potential breakup talk if their partner feels overly taxed by their personal problems.
2. No effort is made towards one another, even when major issues arise.
I’ve seen this type of behavior countless times, in couples of all ages. Someone will need to go to the hospital by ambulance, and their partner can’t be bothered to go with them, and tells them to come home in a cab when they’re done. Or a person will be dealing with a health issue at home, but their spouse refuses to go pick up their prescription because that’ll inconvenience them.
They see each other as little more than bodies that occupy the same space as they do, that may prove useful to them on rare occasions, but there’s no overt kindness or courtesy. They’re essentially living as glorified roommates rather than partners. These people make their own meals (and only enough for themselves, never enough to share), buy only their own groceries, and never even ask if the other person needs anything when they go to the store.
3. The relationship is more like a business than an intimate partnership.
Days unfold in a haze of responsibilities, obligations, and routines, rather than a romantic relationship. They get up > get the kids fed > go to work > help with homework > cook and eat dinner > put kids to bed > do housework on weekends > lather, rinse, repeat. There’s little to no communication about anything beyond their duties, and their actions rarely deviate from these routines.
Similarly, when there’s communication between the two partners, it’s practical and efficient instead of warm and loving. They’ll talk about things that need to be done, how the kids are doing, appointments that are coming up, and meal planning, but it’s like a debrief between colleagues: completely devoid of emotional intimacy.
4. Perfunctory physical affection.
Couples who feel love and affection for one another usually show those feelings physically in numerous ways. In addition to the usual kisses, hugs, and bedroom intimacy, there are the casual touches — brushing hands in the hallway, kissing each other’s foreheads, letting their feet touch while watching TV, and so on. Of course, physical intimacy does naturally ebb and flow based on other factors, and some people like physical contact less than others. But here, we’re talking about a marked and sustained change in usual intimacy levels.
When a couple is going through the motions to pretend that their relationship isn’t actually a desiccated husk, the usual physical intimacy often doesn’t happen. If there’s any bedroom action, it’s perfunctory and efficient, without any cuddles or aftercare. Similarly, they may offer pecks on the cheek as rituals before leaving the house, but they likely haven’t kissed each other on the lips since gas was a dollar per gallon.
5. Disagreements or conflicts are met with acquiescence, not a mutual desire to resolve the issue.
Couples who want to maintain their closeness aim to resolve conflicts in the most loving, supportive manner possible. They love each other and don’t like to be at odds, so they aim to see issues from each other’s perspectives and then work together to find a solution that works for everyone involved.
Meanwhile, couples who checked out ages ago don’t care about finding healthy resolutions: anything that makes their daily schedules deviate from the regular course is an irritation and needs to be brushed off as quickly as possible. This is why they simply agree and offer a hollow apology when and if arguments happen. They don’t care about resolving things: they just want the irritation to stop.
6. Special occasion gifts remain the same, year after year.
When couples are just going through the motions, little to no effort is put into getting to know each other’s current likes and dislikes. Instead, they’ll rely on the same things they’ve always given each other for birthdays and holidays, as if they haven’t changed in years (or decades). He might give her some bath stuff she liked when she was in her early twenties, and she’ll give him yet another tie to wear to work. Even though she’s never been able to stand that scent and he hasn’t worn a tie to the office in 20 years.
That is, if they even put that much effort into gifts. They may have simply gotten to the point where they give each other money or gift cards and suggest they get something they like on their own. Then they’ll load up their plates and eat in silence, or suddenly have something Very Important to attend to elsewhere.
7. Awkwardness at family functions.
You can usually tell which couples are doing well and which are just phoning it in by how they behave at family functions. Seriously: check out photos from various gatherings like holiday get-togethers or annual BBQs and look at the body language exhibited by those present. The couples who are doing well are usually physically close, interacting with one another, and seem relaxed.
In contrast, those who are only going through the motions will either avoid touching if they’re in close proximity or will position other people between themselves and each other. Their smiles will seem forced, and they won’t even look at one another unless they’re forced to do so. They’re doing the bare minimum to keep up appearances, but can’t maintain that charade in public for very long. Once they’re back home, they’ll retreat to their respective corners and be grateful they don’t have to do that again for another year.
8. Zero discussion about future plans.
Generally, couples who are just going through the motions in a relationship are fully aware that they’re doing so. They won’t admit this to others (or even to themselves, most of the time), but it’s like a pan that’s perpetually simmering on a back burner. Because of this, they patently avoid any discussions about future plans.
Basically, they know full well that they don’t have a future together, but they don’t want to face that reality by discussing it. If it’s left unsaid, that elephant in the room can continue to be ignored for as long as possible, even though it’s growing larger by the day and sucking all the air out of the space little by little.
Final thoughts…
If you witness behaviors like these, you may wonder why the people involved aren’t facing reality and simply ending their unhappy, unfulfilled relationship. Alternatively, if you’re aware that you’re living like this, you may feel upset at having a spotlight shone on your own actions.
In reality, there are thousands of reasons why a couple may not want to split up, yet, or at all. Things will either come to their natural end when the time is right, or both people will choose to keep the masquerade going for the sake of their family’s comfort and security.
