Not everyone uses their intelligence kindly. Some gain knowledge for the sole purpose of making themselves feel superior to other people. They stand on their pedestal and look down on others for not knowing all the things that they do. Frankly, it’s disgusting.
Academic and literary snobbery are two of my flashpoints. Pet peeve just isn’t a strong enough word. Not everyone gets the same opportunities for education because of underfunded schools, poverty, and accessibility.
So, when you encounter these people, you need to approach the situation a bit differently. How?
1. Recognize that their goal is manipulation.
People who enter bad-faith discussions with the intention of proving their superiority are practicing a form of manipulation. In many cases, these people will purposefully seek out others who aren’t as smart to talk to. It’s an ego thing for them. And once you understand that, it’s far easier to spot, because humble, intelligent people aren’t trying to prove their superiority and knowledge.
It’s fake, and it’s posturing. They’re presenting themselves to be someone they’re not, though they wholeheartedly believe that they are. Identifying that behavior can lighten the emotional reactions they may try to elicit while demonstrating their perceived superiority. Like, “Oh, this guy is just running his mouth to run his mouth.”
They’re not to be taken seriously. If you take them seriously, you give them power over you. Deny them that.
2. Keep calm to avoid getting defensive.
These people thrive on emotional reactions. They use their arrogance as a weapon to incite your anger, because if you fire anger at them, they can then turn themselves into the victim. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why are you so angry? I’m just trying to help you better understand. Do you need a minute to calm down?” And then you’ve surrendered control of the conversation by essentially handing them the freedom to manipulate the narrative.
That’s not what you want. Instead, you want to maintain your cool and try to stay neutral. That way, they don’t feel like they have exerted control over the conversation. Plus, we don’t think as clearly when we’re angry, so you may inadvertently handicap yourself by stooping to their level.
3. Ask clarifying questions.
A common strategy for intellectual bullies is to use jargon to sound smart, but not be understandable. One way you can poke holes in their presentation is to ask clarifying questions when you don’t understand something or when they are being purposefully obtuse. “What do you mean by X? Can you explain it for me?”
Arrogant people will typically take this bait because they are still in the mode to prove their intellectual superiority to themselves at your expense. By asking them clarifying questions, you’re giving them an opportunity to demonstrate that they truly understand what they’re talking about, or if they’re just using jargon as a crutch.
And if they say something like, “That’s really complicated. You’ll just have to take my word for it,” you can respond with something like, “I would like to, but I don’t know what you’re saying. Can you please explain it for me? I’m all ears.”
4. Redirect the conversation back to the subject.
As Dr. Konstantin Lukin informs us, sometimes insecure people try to bring you down to make themselves feel superior. That is the goal. One thing you will notice in the way these people talk is that they will shift from talking about the subject to talking about you. They will make it personal by saying things like, “It’s too complicated for you to understand,” or “You’re just not knowledgeable enough to get it.”
I’ve worked with a few of these people throughout my life. They want you to feel stupid, so you will retreat into yourself and be defensive. I struggled with this due to my autism. I didn’t know how to push back against that discomfort, and it’s so necessary to do so, because when you’re defensive, they can play the victim and make it all about their ego.
So, the solution that works for me is to bring the conversation back to the topic at hand by saying something like, “Okay. What about X?” Where X is something they mentioned that they aren’t clarifying about.
That approach strips a lot of power away from them.
5. Demonstrate your expertise confidently.
Experience counts for a lot more than many give it credit for. They believe that because they’ve researched something or attained a degree that they fully understand how things work practically. If you’re someone who has a lot of practical experience, you can bring details up that you’ve learned in the course of your work and learning to subtly remind everyone that book knowledge is not the be-all and end-all.
In fact, it’s only one piece of the equation. Look at any career that requires an internship, like mental health. You can read about mental health all day, and it’s valuable knowledge, but you have to learn how to apply it. You also have to learn that every single person is an individual, and mental illness doesn’t fit into neat, tidy boxes.
The only way you can do that is through experience and actually doing the work.
6. Don’t fall for the bait to get involved in an argument to prove yourself.
A common strategy that intellectual bullies use is to try to frame their hostility under the guise of “debate” or playing Devil’s Advocate. This is not a good-faith act to improve communication and learning. Instead, they already have a plan. They’ve probably done this multiple times before, so if they can put you into a defensive position. They’ll be attacking and manipulating you from an advantageous position.
Don’t let them. There’s nothing wrong with withdrawing from a conversation if you feel like it’s not productive. A wise person chooses their battles, and this is a battle that is going to be hard to win if you choose to engage. The kind of insecurity that drives these behaviors is usually seated in childhood trauma, which means they’ve had decades of practice in how they argue.
The only way to win is not to play. As the saying goes, “Never wrestle in the mud with a pig. You get dirty, and the pig likes it.”
7. Call out the tone of their words rather than the argument.
You can subvert their position as the aggressor by politely, directly calling out the tone in which they are speaking to you. Say something like, “I’m open to learning, but I don’t appreciate being talked down to.” Usually, they will have one of two responses.
The first is that they get angry and defensive about it, which effectively ends the conversation because they now understand they’re being seen. Anger is an easy defensive mechanism to keep people from being too close, and it’s a defensive mechanism common with manipulators. They don’t want to engage with people who can see their true motives.
The second is that they will backpedal, apologize, and take a different approach. In many cases, you’ll find it’s enough to throw them off their game, and they may struggle to reassert themselves. But, even if they do try to reassert themselves, you’ve already established a hard boundary of how you want to be spoken to, giving you a stronger upper hand.
Final thoughts…
True intelligence is down-to-earth and humble. The more you learn, the more you realize how much you don’t know because you can start clearly seeing the holes and gaps in the facts. It’s not that the truth is necessarily misrepresented; it’s more that the world is just a complicated place. Even things that appear simple can be quite complicated when you better understand them.
So, don’t waste your time and energy on these kinds of people unless you absolutely have to. You’re not going to “win” against them, and they likely need professional help to address whatever is causing them to be so rude, bullying, and manipulative.
