How many times have you counselled friends or family members after someone else has overstepped their boundaries and upset them terribly? It’s likely that you asked them why they didn’t protect the barriers they’d established, and that they feel immense self-loathing and anger for not defending them more firmly.
Meanwhile, others seem to be able to defend their boundaries without much issue at all. So what separates these two types of people? Well, the key often lies in underlying personality traits, and those who hold firm to their boundaries share many of the traits listed below.
1. They’re not moved by other people’s opinions of them.
You’ve likely noticed that a lot of people will try to bait others into reacting emotionally by attacking them, insulting or making fun of them, and so on. They’ll do this to try to get under their skin or make them feel small, thus giving them opportunities to overstep boundaries to their hearts’ content. After all, a person who’s seeking another’s approval is more likely to lower their guard and allow their personal boundaries to be overstepped.
In contrast, those who hold firm to their boundaries make it abundantly clear that they don’t really care what others think of them. They maintain composure, don’t allow others to get a rise out of them, and reinforce said boundaries with strength and dignity — either subtly, or overtly if need be. These people aren’t moved or manipulated by the threat that others might dislike them, slander them, or otherwise. Others are welcome to think what they like: their opinions don’t matter much at all.
2. They have — and hold to — a strong set of personal principles.
Most people have a variety of principles that are important to them, and they try to hold to them as best they can. These can differ greatly between individuals depending on their personal priorities, and they’ll also vary in importance. They might be willing to let them slide depending on the circumstances, or let them go entirely if they come up against a force that they’re unwilling to fight.
Meanwhile, those who hold firm to their boundaries consider their personal principles to be sacrosanct. They won’t back down from their authentic values and morals even when conformity is rewarded, and they often experience daily struggles as a result.
For example, I was once fired from a job for refusing to do an unethical task my boss demanded of me, and nearly ended up homeless as a result. I even had to draw from the local food bank because I couldn’t afford groceries for a month until I found new employment. Not once did I regret my actions, but I would have forever regretted acquiescing to that request instead of holding to my personal boundaries.
3. They are courageous.
Courage often seems like a rare trait in this modern era, in which so many people display cowardice by hiding behind whichever shield suits them best at the time. This trait isn’t the absence of fear or trepidation, but the ability to take action despite feeling those emotions.
Rather than backing down from defending themselves (or their peace) because they’re afraid of what others might say or do, people who hold firm to their boundaries will stand their ground regardless of what the potential consequences may be.
For example, one might risk familial alienation by refusing to interact with an abusive relative, while another might risk creating tensions at the workplace by refusing to be taken advantage of without fair compensation.
4. They value personal peace rather than the illusion of love.
Real love is patient, kind, gentle, forgiving, and accepting. In contrast, fake love can be cruel, manipulative, or conditional. Unfortunately, far too many people accept the illusion of love because they feel that’s all they deserve, or because it’s the only type that they’ve ever known. As a result, they tolerate all kinds of discomfort or mistreatment in order to keep being tossed little scraps of love and affection here and there.
Meanwhile, those who have firm, well-defended boundaries in relationships don’t let other people mistreat them, even when they claim to love them. Their personal peace is paramount, and if it means having to choose between serene solitude or tumultuous pseudo-love, they choose the former.
5. They know and understand themselves.
Many of the people you’ll come across don’t actually know who they are. The majority of them are playing roles that others will approve of, and seek the reassurance and validation of their partners, family members, peers, and superiors. When asked what they think about a subject, or what fuels their souls, they’ll mention things that they think will impress you, rather than how they feel authentically.
Because of this need for external validation, they’re far more willing to accept mistreatment if it means that others will keep liking and approving of them. This makes them easy targets for narcissists and other abusers who eagerly overstep boundaries. In contrast, those who know and understand themselves aren’t easily manipulated: as soon as someone tries to gaslight them or change them to suit their own whims, they’ll defend themselves or walk away.
6. Most have been through a lot.
The vast majority of people who hold firm to their boundaries have been through some significant ordeals. Some have created rites of passage for themselves (consciously or unconsciously) by getting into risky situations/thrill seeking, taking drugs in a spiritual manner (LSD, ayahuasca, etc.), or backpacking through various countries to prove their capability.
Others may have grown up facing constant adversity, for example, in areas where the threat of violence was ever-present, or having dealt with a lack of basic resources (food, water, electricity).
Whether the gauntlet was inflicted or self-chosen, however, the end result is the same: a person who has been through the fire, survived it, knows exactly what they are or aren’t willing to tolerate as far as their wellbeing is concerned, and will do whatever it takes to defend their personal boundaries and peace.
7. They’re immune to guilt trips or emotional manipulation.
A common approach that many abusers take is to manipulate their victims through guilt. For example, they might try to prevent their victim from going out and doing what they love (or living on their own, if the abuser is a parent) by implying that if anything bad happens to them because their target isn’t around, then the harm will be their fault.
People who hold and defend their boundaries are fully aware that this isn’t the case at all, and is simply an attempt to manipulate their behavior. As such, they’re immune to guilt trips or weaponized victimhood: neither will ever gain a foothold with them.
8. They respect themselves and their own needs.
Those who hold firm to their boundaries often have immense self-respect and prioritize their own needs and wellbeing over social niceties. This makes them less likely to be pushovers, and they’ll do whatever is necessary to maintain their integrity as well as their boundaries.
They aren’t likely to back down from conversations that may get confrontational, nor will they accept other people speaking negatively about them. If someone tries to undermine their self-esteem, they’ll remove that person from their sphere rather than believe — or accept — their criticism or cruelty.
9. They are self-assured and fierce self-advocates.
As a counterbalance to those with high self-esteem, some people have been mistreated so badly by others in the past that they simply refuse to accept that poor behavior any longer. They may not have the highest self-esteem in the world, but they won’t allow anyone else to disrespect them.
It’s rather like a situation in which someone might rib one of their siblings endlessly, but get fiercely protective of them if anyone else tries to put them down. A person who holds firm to their boundaries may not necessarily think highly of themselves, but they’ll be damned if anyone else mistreats them. As a result, they’re fierce about self-advocacy and defending their boundaries, and will do whatever is necessary to ensure that they’re respected by others.
Final thoughts…
People who have allowed others to mistreat them for years might feel seriously intimidated by the prospect of both establishing and defending their boundaries. They might prefer to throw themselves under the bus to keep family peace, for example, or feel that what they’re being put through “isn’t that bad”, even though it’s wearing away at them bit by bit.
But by adopting even a couple of the traits listed here, they can take real steps towards ensuring that others treat them decently and respectfully in the future — even if those first steps seem scary at first.
