Two-faced people are often difficult to spot at the beginning. They hide their duplicitous behavior behind bright smiles and generous actions, likely to obscure the unpleasant things they do when your back is turned. In fact, many people end up devastated when they discover that people they liked and trusted for years have been trash-talking and gossiping about them behind their backs the whole time.
Keep an eye out for the following behaviors, as they’re often strong indicators that the person who’s chatting with you cheerfully is being awful as soon as you walk away.
1. Gossiping about others.
This is one of the clearest signs that someone is two-faced: if they talk about others to you, they’ll talk about you to others in turn. You may think that someone is trustworthy, especially if they’ve opened up to you about vulnerable subjects, but be sure to remain on guard.
Watch out for people who approach you with disclaimers like “Don’t tell anyone I told you, but…” and then share secrets with you that other people entrusted to them in confidence. This behavior tells you that nothing you share with them is ever safe in their possession.
You might as well rent billboard space and plaster that information all over it.
2. “Accidental” info sharing.
This is related to the above situation, only they don’t approach you directly with some juicy tea that they’re eager to share. Instead, they’ll chat with you about something completely innocuous, only to have an “oops!” moment when they “accidentally” share some information that they heard about someone else.
Naturally, they’ll say that they need you to stay quiet about it, but that they trust you because you’re such a reliable and trustworthy person. They’ll smile and be really sweet as they say so, and you may feel inclined to share details about yourself in turn to make them feel less guilty about spilling the beans, but don’t do it. This is fishing behavior, and they’ll tell everyone what you’ve said before you can blink.
3. Ask personal questions too quickly.
Be very wary of people who encourage you to open up and trust them too quickly, or shame you for being closed or guarded. They may playfully taunt you with nicknames like “ice queen” or “Mr. Mystery”, all under the guise of trying to get you to lower your guard and be more vulnerable. Furthermore, they’ll keep reassuring you that you’re safe, among friends, and have no need to keep such walls up.
Don’t do it. If you were actually among friends, they’d encourage you to take as much time as you need to open up and trust them. Or they wouldn’t say anything at all: they’d just accept whatever facets of yourself that you were prepared to share, little by little.
4. Changing how they respond to people based on what they can do for them.
This person might be cordial-yet-distant with people most of the time, but will become incredibly friendly and cheerful whenever they want something. Then they’ll pretend to be their target’s best friend for a little while, until they get what they want from them. After that, they’ll grow distant again.
At this point, they’ll often trash-talk the individual in question to others, and possibly even make fun of them for how gullible and easily manipulated they are. It never occurs to them that people are paying attention to this behavior and will wise up to it if it’s ever used in their direction.
5. Drastic changes to their body language when they see you.
If you see this person when you’re out and about, do they acknowledge you? Or do they pretend they didn’t see you? Similarly, if they’re chatting with a group of people and you approach, do they invite you to the discussion? Or does the group suddenly go silent?
A supposed friend or acquaintance who avoids you in person and exhibits drastic changes in body language when you appear (e.g., wrapping their arms around themselves, avoiding your gaze, turning their back to you) might be feeling guilty about their behavior towards you — even if it wasn’t direct.
Of course, it’s important to keep in mind that body language can be misinterpreted (and often is). What’s crucial is to look at what the norm is for the individual you’re dealing with rather than applying blanket body language rules.
For example, if this person frequently avoids eye contact or faces away from you and others, it’s likely they just aren’t comfortable with eye contact, and it has nothing to do with you. Similarly, someone who frequently crosses their arms but seems otherwise engaged likely just finds that position most comfortable. Context and changes to their normal are what’s key.
6. Excessive formality.
When this person interacts with you, observe them to see whether they behave in a friendly, peer-like manner or if they’re overly formal with you. For example, are their gestures natural or grandiose? Do they call you by a nickname, or as Mr/Mrs?
A person who talks behind your back may subconsciously overcompensate for the guilt they feel about doing so by treating you with a bit too much courtesy when they interact with you. If they treat you differently from everyone else, especially if they aren’t interested in you romantically, then there’s a reason for that — and it may not be a good one.
7. Befriending those in your social circle.
You may discover that someone you’d only consider a casual acquaintance is suddenly friends with your mom or your ex on social media. Alternatively, you may run into this person at a party or other event composed primarily of people you’ve known for several years.
The acquaintance in question may have infiltrated your social circle without your invitation, either in an attempt to know more about you or to undermine your position somehow. Once in there, they may try to endear themselves to those close to you so they can talk about you more regularly, and possibly even take your place.
8. They overcompensate with love-bombing or gift-giving.
This person’s presence will ebb and flow in your life, but every time they come back into your sphere, they do so with an elaborate flourish. Maybe they’ll invite you out for an expensive meal, or they’ll love bomb you with lavish gifts in an attempt to show you just how much they care.
Then, while you’re expressing your gratitude for these displays of generosity and kindness, they’ll ask about what’s going on in your life so you can “catch up properly”. They’ll do this so you lower your guard and give them the details they’re searching for, at which point they’ll withdraw again. They’re essentially behaving like parasites who scuttle back to dark corners after having a big feed.
Final thoughts…
Most of us try to see the best in others and don’t like having to be suspicious of those we meet. Humans are naturally social creatures, and we yearn for authentic connections with good, like-minded individuals.
Sadly, most of us have been burned in personal relationships when those we’ve trusted too quickly have betrayed that trust and hurt us deeply. When it comes to socializing with others, keep your guard up and let them in slowly. It’s safer to do this than to wear your heart on your sleeve, only to have it broken.
