Society likes to look down on negative emotions as though they are a totally useless, completely unhealthy thing. That couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, that belief and mindset is toxic positivity. You see, negative emotions are like alarms that are telling you something is wrong, that it needs attention, and it needs to be addressed.
Spite is one such emotion. Spite and anger can be powerful motivators if you channel them in healthy ways. The trick is to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy. So, let’s consider some healthy ways to utilize it.
1. Shift your perspective from “I’ll show you” to “I’ll prove this to myself.”
As Wove Therapy tells us, internal validation is a powerful thing because it means you know that you’re valuable and worthwhile regardless of how other people feel about you or your actions. The issue that you run into with “I’ll show you” kind of spite is that it is a twisted form of external validation. You dig your heels in, you decide, “the hell with them, I’m going to show them what I can do!” And then you imagine the look on their face when you prove them wrong!
But there’s a problem with that. The problem is that you’re chasing their validation by saying, “I need to raise up to the level of your expectations to absolve my anger and spite.” And why would you ever want to give that power over your happiness to someone else?
No, let spite fuel you, but make it about proving it to yourself instead. Disconnect yourself from the idea that you’re going to overcome, prove that person wrong, and that then they will realize how wrong they are. They probably won’t. In fact, many times they won’t care either way or will spin their crappy behavior into some sort of “tough love.”
2. Use the word “no” as a signpost rather than a rejection.
Rejection hurts, and it’s perfectly reasonable to feel pain from a rejection. But, as Psychology Today shares, you have to get used to rejection if you want to get anywhere in life. If you want a relationship, you have to ask people out. If you want a job, you have to apply and interview. If you want to succeed, you have to take a risk. All of these things can lead to painful rejection.
The way to lessen that rejection, instead of taking it in spite and anger, is to just look at it as a signpost. Okay, you asked this person out, and they said no. There are like 8.3 billion other people in the world. There are more people you can ask out. But are you going to take that step if you’re mired in spite and anger at that rejection?
A “no” is not the end of the world. Instead, it’s fuel and a signpost for moving forward.
3. Channel the emotion into building something meaningful.
A good question to ask is, “Where are my feelings of spite and anger coming from?” That is, why do you care so much about what this person thinks? Now, a friend of mine, whom I’ll call Lara, actually built a business out of spite for her father, who held some pretty misogynistic views. That, understandably, hurt her a lot.
And even though her spite for her father and proving him and his views wrong was her primary motivator, it still empowered her to build her business. When she was afraid, she would think back on those feelings and let herself get angry again to provide more fuel for her fires.
Now, is that the healthiest way to look at it? No. Not really, but the end result is that she did get that business built. It would’ve been healthier had she done it to prove it to herself rather than trying to earn the respect of a man with such stupid beliefs, but it is what it is.
4. Pour the emotion into art.
Art provides a cathartic outlet for many people who need to get out difficult, painful emotions. We see it reflected in our music, writing, painting, or whatever art someone may be expressing themselves with. If you’re not an artist, there’s no reason that you can’t create something with your anger and your spite.
The beauty of art is that it can be found anywhere. For example, you have people who repurpose trash in different ways to create artistic pieces. I used to know a veteran with PTSD who would crochet to help channel his spite and anger into something patient and worthwhile.
All year long, he would crochet hats, scarves, and gloves as a form of meditation to calm himself down. After completing, he would toss the finished item into a garbage bag and then donate the bag full of winter gear to the local children’s home. That’s spite and anger used productively to create, rather than destroy. That’s art.
5. Treat their doubt as free constructive criticism.
Criticism loses its sting once you can accept that you’re an imperfect person who will never make everyone happy. That’s just the way the world is. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do; someone is going to have a problem with it because people are judgmental. Unfortunately, that’s probably not going to change.
However, when someone doubts you or tries to tear you down, you can make that hurt much smaller by remembering that it’s just an opinion. Everyone has one, and a lot of them are poorly informed. On the other hand, sometimes someone may express some doubt about your capabilities, and they may actually have a good point buried in their unkindness.
If you can look at it constructively, you can hear what they have to say, decide if there’s any validity, and then discard it if it’s not useful. “Hm. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I don’t know enough about the career I want. I’d better do some more research before I spend a bunch of money on going to school for it.”
6. Use their doubt and dismissiveness to strengthen your boundaries.
In many cases, the doubt of others hurts because it touches a vulnerability that we have. It may be an indicator of a boundary that’s too soft and loose. Instead of dwelling in spite about them having made you feel that way, look at it as an indicator of a boundary you need to harden.
Why is their opinion so important? Maybe it’s someone you look up to, a parent, or teacher, or whoever. You feel like their opinion is more important than others because you value them, and you may be looking to them to help validate you. But if they have crappy opinions or don’t know how to be kind about it, then maybe they aren’t the best person to look to for encouragement.
Maybe, instead, you need to not show that vulnerability to them because they’ve proven that they aren’t mature enough to handle it gently.
Final thoughts…
Spite is a powerful yet damaging emotion that can drive you forward. It’s a close relative of anger, and the two are often intermixed. You don’t want to spend your life as a spiteful, angry person because that turns into bitterness.
Bitterness is extremely difficult to get over because you have to go back and reexamine all of those feelings, recontextualize them, and accept them in a different form. It’s hard.
Let spite be your motivator, but don’t do it to prove other people wrong. Instead, use it to prove to yourself that you can do whatever it is you set your mind to.
