Are there ways to know if your relationship has a future? Almost certainly. I remember having a tense dinner with my first husband, staring at him and trying to feel a connection, but I felt nothing. The question “Is this it for the next 50 years?” echoed in my mind, but I was too scared even to whisper it.
Fast-forward to a mundane moment with my current husband. We’re folding laundry, surrounded by the chaotic evidence of two kids. He gave me a simple, tired smile, and I felt a profound sense of peace and partnership. The difference in these two relationships could be found in the answers to the questions I was finally brave enough to ask.
Are you in doubt about your significant other? Reflect on these questions and get your own “laundry moment” answer about whether there’s a future for you both.
1. Do you genuinely accept each other, flaws and all?
Nobody is perfect. I have my set of caveats — such as my ADHD, autism, and being bipolar. They bring strengths, but they also bring challenges, and they are also hardwired into my DNA. I recall the devastation when my ex casually told me that all my piles of research were in the way and “helpfully” suggested ways to get organized. In contrast, my current husband sometimes has to climb over magazines and scribbled notes, but the other day he grinned and said, “I’ll never understand how your brain works, but I know it’s brilliant.”
While he doesn’t love the mess — he’s quite a neat freak — he loves me as I am, and that’s the difference. He understands that this is a part of me, and he accepts that. Just as I do the same for him. So, the important question is whether you feel accepted in your partnership and whether you accept your partner, “piles of research,” and all.
2. Do you both feel like you can be your true selves?
I felt I had to “mask” my feelings constantly in my first marriage. I’d hide my downswings for fear of being called “dramatic” and temper my upswings for fear of being “too much.” It was exhausting, like holding my breath all the time.
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner accept each other as individual and unique people. After all, who they are is what attracted you to them in the first place, and hopefully, they feel the same about you. In the relationship, you should still be you — a unique and beautiful “you” inside an “us,” that’s created with your partner’s “them.” This is how healthy emotional connections form as you balance your own selfhood with another’s.
My ex failed this question miserably and was always trying to change or “fix” me, as if I were broken. But with my husband, I can say, “I’m heading into a low — I need some quiet time,” and my husband gets it. He doesn’t try to fix it. He just gives me space and checks in. Being able to be my whole, authentic self — mood swings and all — is the ultimate psychological safety.
3. Do you encourage each other’s growth?
Does your partner inspire you and make you want to achieve all your goals? Do you uplift them and help them reach for their dreams? That’s what real connection looks like. It’s about seeing each other for who you are but believing in the other person’s potential and wanting to help them reach it.
I once mentioned wanting to take a pottery class to my ex-husband. His response was, “Do you really have time for another little project?” It felt like my personal growth was trivial and an inconvenience to him, so I kept myself small and quiet. In contrast, last year, I wanted to get a work certification, which would mean late nights studying. My current husband took on extra child care duties without a single complaint, telling me, “Your win is my win.” He sees my growth and wants to be part of it, and the result is that we grow together rather than apart.
4. How do you communicate during disagreements?
It’s normal to have disagreements with your significant other, but how you resolve and communicate these matters is key. Fights with my ex were a textbook Karpman drama triangle. He’d blame me for being too sensitive, which would make me feel helpless and cry. Then, he’d swoop in to comfort me, but the original problem was never solved.
We just spun in circles between being an out-of-control victim, the persecuted person, and a self-gratifying rescuer. It took loads of therapy for me to see how toxic and unnatural this type of relationship is.
On the flip side, my now-husband and I disagreed about finances last week. In the past, this would have been a trigger, but we paused instead. I said, “I’m feeling scared and overwhelmed.” He said, “I’m feeling defensive.” By each naming our own feelings without blame, we stopped the drama before it started and could tackle the actual problem.
What, how, and when you say things during a difference of opinion matters a lot. Do you both hold space for each other to reflect on your own feelings instead of blaming the other person for theirs? Your answer will tell you a lot about the health and potential longevity of your relationship.
5. Is power shared equally?
Power sharing is about you both feeling seen and valued as equals in your relationship. When you feel like your partner doesn’t value you, it’s a precursor to feeling unhappy and less-than in the relationship.
When power is shared equally, both partners contribute meaningfully to decision-making in the relationship, which creates mutual respect and validation that reinforces that equal power dynamic. An equal partnership means you value the other person and their opinions as much as yourself.
For example, my ex handled all of our finances, leaving me with little power. Now, my husband and I have monthly budget meetings. It’s not sexy, but it’s an act of deep respect. We decide on big purchases together, from cars to vacations. Knowing I am an equal stakeholder is incredibly empowering. Are you and your partner equally respectful and appreciative of each other’s value and input?
6. Do you share core values and a vision for the future?
In my first marriage, it was clear that my ex and I weren’t on the same page about many things. He was raised in a very strict household, and I was a parentified child who wanted to break that cycle. Our conflicting values turned our home into a constant battleground over everything from what we were watching to how we’d raise kids who didn’t even exist yet.
Now my husband and I talk about our values all the time. We both agree that teaching our kids empathy and resilience is our first responsibility. We may disagree on screen time limits, but on the big stuff, we are united.
Have you and your significant other discussed where you stand on things like politics, money, social circles, habits, future plans, and values? If certain parts of the relationship machine don’t align, it’s not going to head anywhere. You have to be clear on your non-negotiables and be willing to discuss them.
7. Is your partner your best friend?
While some people believe you don’t have to be best friends with your life partner, I always think of a moment with my husband where we were both collapsed on the sofa after getting the kids tucked in. We sat close together, showing each other stupid videos and laughing until we cried.
That foundation of friendship is what has gotten us through the hard times. Psychological science backs this, with research showing that having your life partner as a close confidant and friend results in greater life satisfaction and well-being. After all, if you’re going to spend your life in close quarters with someone, it may as well be someone you enjoy as a friend, too.
8. Can you trust each other completely?
There are few things that can destroy a relationship as quickly as a lack of trust. And trust isn’t just about fidelity, though of course that’s important too. It’s about whether you can rely on each other for support and encouragement when it comes to both the successes and the hard times.
Personally, I learned to stop sharing my successes with my ex. When I got a promotion, his reaction was lukewarm at best. It felt like my success threatened him. I was subconsciously walling off parts of my life to protect myself from his jealousy. As a result, my already anxious and fearful attachment style escalated. I wanted my ex, but I also avoided him by self-isolating. I wanted to share, but I couldn’t trust his response.
Now, my husband is the first person I call with good news. I know he will be genuinely, enthusiastically happy for me, without any reservations. That emotional trust is more intimate than any physical connection could ever be, and it’s key to sustaining a happy, healthy, long-term relationship.
9. Is the relationship free of major red flags?
Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior? A healthy person should have a list of “no-go” elements that help them identify whether someone is safe and compatible for them personally. Of course, this will vary from person to person. For example, your list may include not being with someone who smokes, so if they’re puffing like a train, you shouldn’t be making excuses for them.
Are there glaring red flags you are choosing to ignore (or that you don’t realize are red flags)? For example, my ex’s constant questions about where I was and who I was with felt like he was just looking out for me. It took therapy to see it was a red flag — a deep-seated lack of trust and a need for control. I had brushed over his controlling behavior for years, believing it was care and that rejecting him wasn’t the right option. Many people often overlook a couple of fatal flaws in their relationships. Are you?
10. Do you handle change or challenge together with a growth mindset?
Honestly, this is an area where I have a lot of work to do. My AuDHD profile (that’s autism plus ADHD) makes me crave routine, and unexpected change can send me into a spiral. Recently, we found out we might have to move for my husband’s job. My immediate reaction was panic and shutting down.
Instead of getting frustrated with me, he just sat with me and said, “This is scary. Let’s write down all the things we can control, together.” He included me in the solution rather than seeing my reaction as the problem.
It helps me build a growth mindset where challenges are something “we” face, and I don’t have to endure alone. Together, we work on being adaptable, which ensures our relationship doesn’t stagnate or fall apart when life starts hitting back.
Final thoughts…
Asking questions in your relationships is about seeing the trajectory of your shared growth and resilience. It’s not a pass-fail situation, and one question with negative answers may point to areas to work on if your partner is willing and ready to do that “love-labor” with you. Like a dance, it takes two, so choose someone who will learn new steps with you, apologize when they step on your toes, carry you when your feet are sore, and create a rhythm you want to be part of in 50 years.
