Many people yearn for a peaceful life, but instead end up having to deal with intrusions that disrupt it on a regular basis. These intrusions are often small but regular demands from others that drain their energy and make them wish they had moved to Svalbard.
Conversations like the ones listed here, which intrude upon your plans, demand your time, and leave you feeling flattened, are some of the most insidious ones. And if you want a peaceful life, they should be cut short as soon as they start to unfold.
1. Exchanges that involve over-explaining yourself.
One of the best exchanges I’ve seen posted online involved a conversation between a contractor and a client. The client had requested an estimate for work that they had wanted done, and when they received it, they requested an extensive breakdown of all the labor involved so they — with their zero experience in carpentry or building — could determine whether the estimate reflected the actual labor involved. In response, the contractor replied with: “Sure! The cost to do the project is $5500. The cost to not do it is $0.”
Of course, sometimes it’s reasonable to expect people to explain themselves. But in situations where you know that you’re in the right or where an explanation simply isn’t warranted, nothing can be gained by over-explaining yourself to someone who has no clue what they’re talking about or who thinks they are entitled to an explanation on how you live your life. Say your piece, and if they keep asking you to justify yourself, walk away.
2. Past transgressions (your own, or those of others).
We all make mistakes or act badly when we’re caught in a maelstrom of emotional pain, confusion, or the crucibles of various life transitions. Those who are experiencing discomfort are prone to lashing out at others without just cause, or making decisions in the heat of the moment that they end up regretting later.
Bringing up transgressions that occurred when someone was essentially a completely different person doesn’t resolve anything. Furthermore, bringing up the past over and over again often holds people back from experiencing real growth.
Yes, you might need to talk about the past in order to make amends and learn from it, but if someone continuously brings up past mistakes—yours or theirs—as a weapon in conversation, that’s your cue to shut it down and walk away. Rehashing ancient history serves no one’s peace, least of all yours.
3. Other people’s monologues.
A lot of people don’t seem to know how to have conversations. Their way of interacting with others is to unleash a litany of complaints in someone’s direction, or monologue unceasingly about the cost of canned peas and what this or that neighbor said to our Sharon. They don’t seem to realize, nor care, that they are recklessly spending the precious moments of your life — without your permission — for their own benefit.
Now, sometimes this occurs because of difficulty reading social cues or enthusiasm about sharing a certain topic. It’s a common experience for some autistic individuals and has nothing to do with rudeness or disrespect. In these instances, it’s often actually an attempt at connection.
That said, conversation is a two-way street, and whatever the reason, you aren’t obligated to listen to someone else’s monologuing, particularly if it’s negative and draining. It isn’t rude to let them know that you don’t have the time for them at that moment, nor to try and move the conversation on to something more positive and productive. If they get offended that you aren’t enthralled by the prospect of hearing them moan for hours on end, that’s their issue. Not yours.
4. Entrapment for potential favors (and free work).
Those who are eager for others to do favors for them, including working for free, will often try to elicit sympathetic behavior by dropping hints about how tired they are, how much they would appreciate help, money, etc. They don’t want to come out and be frank about their mooching ways, but will instead play up their woes in the hope that others will volunteer their time (and/or money) to help them out. They are essentially taking advantage of other people’s goodwill and generous natures, with no intention of reciprocity.
Of course, it’s good to help people out when they genuinely need it, but there has to be a limit if you want to protect your peace. You can express your deepest sympathies and direct them towards organizations that may be able to help alleviate the troubles. Change the subject, and if they try to redirect it back to you helping them out because you’re so kind, generous, trustworthy, and so on, wish them well and be on your way.
5. Grief bombing/trauma dumping.
Most of us have experienced situations in which someone has dumped a ton of personal trauma on us without asking if it’s okay or checking whether we have the bandwidth to process it. This often happens when we’re a captive audience, such as when we’re cornered at a gathering, and they block our escape, or if we’re dependent on a ride with someone who isn’t ready to leave yet.
Although you might feel a bit mean about cutting them off, protecting your own well-being takes precedence over potentially upsetting them. One of the best ways to stop them so you can extricate yourself is to tell them that you aren’t a trained therapist, and that you aren’t comfortable playing that role for them. Let them know that you’re happy to help them find professional help or support, and then extricate yourself from the situation.
6. Contrariness and argument for their own sake.
Some people like to contradict others solely for their own amusement. They’ll argue or question whatever those around them are saying, or insult them by calling them stupid. The expectation is for the person in question to justify or defend themselves, which will keep them entertained and engaged.
This is usually done by those who are either hurting on some level or have low self-esteem: they’ll pick unnecessary battles to feel as though they’ve achieved something. It’s rather like children behaving naughtily: bad attention is still attention, after all. The best thing you can do is ignore them or refuse to engage, as this thwarts their attempts at personal titillation.
7. Conversations about politics or religion.
If you’re seeking a peaceful, harmonious life, then avoid discussing politics or religion whenever humanly possible. You could have a great dynamic with one of your neighbors until they discover that you support A instead of B, and then all hell breaks loose.
All of a sudden, they can no longer see eye to eye with you over anything, and may go out of their way to make your life uncomfortable, like calling authorities because one of your tree branches is hanging over their fence. Life would be tremendously dull if we agreed upon everything, but unfortunately, it’s often the small differences that lead to the biggest fallouts.
8. Unsolicited advice about what you should or should not be doing.
You’ll often come across this behavior when a person who’s trying to avoid resolving their own personal troubles chooses to fixate on the people around them instead. It’s a form of procrastination and also a way of redirecting attention (both theirs and that of others) away from their own life, and making someone else the center of attention instead.
A perfect example of this would be someone who married and had several children, and now badgers their nieces and nephews to ask when they’ll “take responsibility seriously” and start having families of their own. In situations like this, you can extricate yourself politely, but don’t hesitate to establish firmer boundaries when needed.
For example, you can either make it clear that the subject isn’t up for discussion, or offer an answer like: “I don’t want to rush into anything that I’ll end up complaining about at every family gathering.” That usually forces them to drop the subject for a good, long while.
Final thoughts…
Most of us were trained from an early age that being nice and polite to others meant sacrificing our own peace for their benefit. It’s why so many of us have suffered through excruciating social situations that we would have preferred to flee from instead.
Whether someone is trying to discuss subject matter that you vehemently disagree with, or they just want to dominate your time without any regard for your autonomy, do not hesitate to cut the conversation short. Anything that costs you your peace is just too expensive.
