Do you protect your dignity? That is, do you protect how you allow other people to treat you, and how you treat yourself?
Some people struggle with dignity because they don’t understand the differences between dignity, pride, and ego.
Ego often asks, “How important am I?” Pride often asks, “How do other people view me?”
But dignity asks a much different, and far more important question. It asks, “Am I being treated and treating myself in a way that reflects my worth as a human being?”
That can be a hard balance to strike if you’ve ever struggled with self-worth and self-esteem.
With that in mind, be aware of these behaviors, so you don’t undermine your own worth.
1. Apologizing for existing rather than for your mistakes.
Those who do not value themselves often apologize for existing instead of apologizing for their mistakes.
They may apologize because they view their needs as inconvenient or difficult, or simply for being present in someone’s space. That’s not something to apologize for.
“I’m sorry I’m upset.” “I’m sorry but can I ask you a question…” “I’m sorry to bother you but…” You don’t need to be sorry for these things. They are normal, acceptable human behaviors.
Then you have apologetic and guilt-driven behaviors. Like, if someone bumps into you, there’s no reason for you to be the one to apologize.
Neither should you have to apologize for asking a partner for affection or time alone. Nor should you need to apologize for asking for help, or asking to lean on a friend during a tough time.
When you apologize for these things, you unknowingly erode your own dignity because you teach people that you view yourself as inconvenient. Not only that, but you train them to view you that way too.
2. Abandoning your values to be accepted by the group.
In my younger years, I struggled a lot with socialization because of my autism.
Part of that struggle was minimizing myself to try to fit in with the group. I’ve always felt like an outsider, like I was not part of any group, really. And one of the worst things I did for myself and my mental health was sacrificing my values to try to fit in.
I went along with a lot of things I wasn’t comfortable with to fit in. What I eventually learned is that my dignity and self-respect have no price tag.
I’d rather be alone than sacrifice what’s important to me for something as shallow as fitting in.
Just because a group agrees on something doesn’t make them right. Mob mentality happens, and it can happen in small groups, as well as big ones.
Not only did changing my approach help me keep my dignity intact, but it came with an unexpected benefit. It brought me closer to other people who felt the same way, or respected the way I stood my ground when I came up against difficult challenges.
3. Seeking approval from people who have demonstrated that they don’t respect you.
There’s a saying: “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach on the peach tree, but some people just don’t like peaches.” Meaning, you shouldn’t bother wasting your time trying to be appealing to people who don’t like, respect, or care about you.
In fact, if you believe that you need to earn someone’s basic respect, it’s probably not worth having.
The reason it’s not worth having is that decent people don’t typically make other people try to earn respect.
Yes, we might admire and respect people more if they behave in a certain way that aligns with our values, but on the whole, people deserve basic respect just because.
If I felt like someone was trying to force me to earn their basic respect, I would walk away from them.
I’m not jumping through hoops and tap-dancing to entertain some self-important jerk who doesn’t offer a minimum of respect.
Why would I waste my time on them when I could be building other relationships with people who don’t suck?
4. Explaining or defending your decisions.
This one requires a bit of balance. We often hear that the most important part of a healthy relationship is communication. And it’s true.
Yet there are also common pieces of advice out there when it comes to setting boundaries like, “No is a complete sentence.”
And while that may be true and necessary in some situations, advice like this often lacks the additional context of it being a complete sentence if you’re in an unhealthy situation with someone who is trying to take advantage of you.
If you’re saying no to a reasonable friend or a partner, you may need to have a deeper discussion so they can understand where you’re coming from and what your boundaries are.
But you shouldn’t have to do that with everyone. In many situations, a simple “No, I can’t” or “Unfortunately, I’m not available” will suffice.
Because when you explain your decisions, you give the other person leeway to argue with them and try to find a way to make you change your mind. And that allows them to overstep your boundary and erodes your dignity.
If they are that kind of person who is going to do that, then you definitely shouldn’t be explaining.
5. Laughing along when someone makes you the butt of the joke.
Malicious people love to hide behind, “It’s just a joke, bro!” I don’t think so. Jokes are funny, my friend.
Jokes also stop being jokes when they’re done out of maliciousness, pick at insecurities, or make another person feel smaller. That’s not a joke; that’s just someone being a passive-aggressive jerk, and they may need to be called out on it if you want to preserve your dignity.
I find an effective way to turn those tables is to say, “I don’t get it. Why is that funny?”
They know what they’re doing, and they almost always stumble over whatever words come next.
Or they may try to decline explaining the joke because they know it was really just a veiled jab at you. That’s when you know that it was a malicious action, and not just a social misstep.
Maintain your dignity. Don’t let other people turn you into their clown.
6. Breaking your boundaries because you feel bad or guilty.
People have an interesting relationship with boundaries. Many people struggle with them. Often because they view them as walls you erect to keep other people out.
That’s sort of true, but I think there’s a different perspective to examine. Instead of a wall, think of a boundary as a filter. A reasonable boundary says, “You are allowed to have access to me, my time, and my life by following this rule.”
Those who respect you won’t want you to feel uncomfortable or guilty. They will want you to preserve your dignity. So they will want to know your boundaries so they don’t cross them.
Furthermore, when you express a reasonable boundary, they will take that information on board and change their behavior accordingly.
That tells you that they are someone you likely want to have in your life. That demonstrates that they respect you.
7. Staying in relationships where you are not respected.
Many people are afraid of being alone. There’s no other way to get around that fact.
They stay in bad relationships where they are sacrificing their dignity and self-respect because they just don’t want to be alone.
Alternatively, they may not believe that they deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect. Or, it could be that they are hoping that the other person will do better, eventually.
It’s not worth the time and trauma to go through this.
It’s not your job to teach other people how to act right.
Granted, as we’ve talked about, clear, enforced boundaries do inform other people how you want to be treated. But you can’t expect someone who isn’t proactive about wanting to respect and value you to just start doing that, boundaries or not.
Someone who thinks it ok to treat people poorly has a much deeper problem they need to work on, and nothing you do is going to change that.
8. Believing your worth depends on your status, usefulness, or productivity.
People who come from difficult backgrounds featuring child abuse and neglect often grow up believing that they need to earn respect and affection.
They’ve been subconsciously taught that the only time they receive affection and respect is when they are doing something for the person they want it from. That could be things like participating in sports, getting good grades, or cleaning the house.
They carry this into adulthood, and it results in the sort of person who then erodes their own dignity by people-pleasing, relentless busyness, pushing through their exhaustion, and putting themselves last.
But the problem with this belief is that it’s flawed, because all human beings inherently have value.
After all, are the disabled, elderly, and toddlers any less human and any less deserving of respect because they can’t be “productive” like a healthy, youthful person?
Absolutely not.
In fact, I would say those people need more respect to make sure they are safe, included, and healthy.
As I’ve already said, I don’t believe in “respect is earned.” Admiration? Sure. Respect? No.
Everyone is worthy of respect regardless of what they can provide.
9. Talking to yourself more harshly than you would friends.
Do you talk to yourself more harshly than to the people you care about? Would you tolerate someone else saying the things you say to yourself to someone you care about?
If you answer yes to either of those questions, then you are sacrificing your own dignity by tearing yourself down. Because what you tell yourself is what you will continue to believe.
That’s a hard cycle to break out of, and it often comes from a deeply painful place.
It’s the kind of thing that you may want to discuss with a professional. You can slowly rebuild the respect that’s been taken from you. You deserve to.
Final thoughts…
Nothing is more important than preserving your dignity and self-respect. Because once damaged, it can take years to rebuild them back to where they should be.
Do not let other people treat you with disrespect, and realize that you deserve to treat yourself with respect too. That starts with how you feel and what you think about yourself.
Take the time to build your self-esteem and self-respect, and reach out for professional support if you need it. Stay aware of behaviors like these, and don’t settle for respect with strings attached – even from yourself.
