Life is about change. As much as some people want to stay rooted in the same place, things are going to change around them, for better and worse. Trying to cling to the way things were or who you were yesterday can be so harmful to your mental health because it takes your attention away from the present.
Still, not everyone wants to hear that. There are a lot of people who do everything possible to try to keep things as they are, be the same person they’ve always been, and otherwise avoid growth. You’ll know when you’re outgrowing these people when you see these 9 signs.
1. You’re the one who’s grown or changed the most.
As you make emotional, intellectual, or spiritual progress, it seems as though the people around you are standing still, trapped in their old patterns. They may be making the same bad decisions, stuck in the same bad life choices, or otherwise just don’t seem to care much about trying to advance themselves.
Granted, some people are just happy trying to preserve their life as it is rather than building to something else. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it can be difficult to stay connected with those people when you’re evolving through your own personal work. Outgrowing friendships is just a normal part of life.
2. You crave meaningful conversations.
Conversations with these people may start to feel shallow or repetitive because they no longer spark the same kind of interest that they once did. Instead of being alright with that, you may find that you feel dissatisfied with your socialization, prompting you to seek out new people and experiences.
That feeling of dissatisfaction is important because it’s telling you that this isn’t enough. Whatever you were getting from this social relationship before, you are no longer getting, or your needs have changed. This is a totally normal thing to have happen to you.
I ran into this issue on my own path of self-help and healing. What I found was that I wasn’t able to intellectually connect in the same way as I used to with most of my friends. They were more focused on the things they had always been doing and living with, whereas I was trying to move away from unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns.
It started to feel lonely until I made some meaningful friendships with people who were on their own healing paths. I did end up losing several people from my old social circles, but that’s just how life is sometimes.
3. You no longer share the same values or priorities.
Evolution is change, and change means that your perspective will be different. You may find that you no longer have the same values or priorities as the people around you. Self-help and your personal growth will cause you to learn more things. You’ll start seeing more of what’s good and bad for you, and want less of the bad and more of the good. That can cause a shift in values.
However, some people stay locked into the same pattern of values and perception because they don’t want to grow. They may reject new information, even if it’s good for them, because the negative feels safe, comfortable, and familiar.
4. You start holding back parts of yourself.
Self-improvement can be a strange thing. You would think that other people would be happy that you’re doing better for yourself. That’s the logical thing, right? Well, unfortunately, people aren’t that logical. What you may instead find is that you start getting negative pushback from the people around you.
What you may start experiencing is anger and resentment. Instead of celebrating you, your wins start getting met with blank stares, snarky responses, or resentment. People may even accuse you of thinking that you’re better than they are. It may not even be a conscious choice on their part. It may be a defensive reaction.
So, you may find that you’re making yourself smaller. You’re not talking about your wins or progress because you don’t want other people to feel bad or to make you feel bad about your progress. But this isn’t good for you, and is a sign that you’ve outgrown these people.
5. You feel misunderstood or lonely around them.
There are few things worse than feeling lonely and misunderstood around people who should make you feel like you’re at home. The people that you surround yourself with don’t necessarily need to be like you, or be on a similar healing journey as you, but they do need to be accepting of you. They need to love, not just the person who existed yesterday, but the person who exists right now and the one who comes tomorrow.
Unfortunately, not everyone is that emotionally intelligent. Instead of celebrating your growth, they may take your desire to improve as a personal attack, as though they aren’t making you feel happy and fulfilled. And that may very well be true. It is common for people involved in self-help to outgrow what’s around them.
6. You encourage them, but it’s one-sided.
You may find yourself trying to bring this other person along on your journey. You uplift them, offer advice, even help them find solutions, but they don’t help you. Instead, they just take and take everything you have to offer. The friendship is decidedly one-sided. Alternatively, it may also be that they constantly ask for help solving their problems, but never actually use any of the solutions.
The truth is that you can’t make someone else want to be better or different. All you can really do is give what you feel comfortable giving and hope for the best. At some point, you need to start questioning whether or not it’s worthwhile to pour into this person; otherwise, you’ll drain yourself of energy.
7. You feel drained after hanging out.
You cannot surround yourself with people who drain you and expect to have a healthy, happy life. At some point, you may find that the people you associate with leave you tapped out emotionally and intellectually.
Improvement and change bring with them new experiences. New experiences give you new, exciting topics for conversation that you’re currently interested in because of your journey. It’s difficult to maintain a connection with someone who doesn’t have other things going on.
Their experiences don’t change, they’re not changing, and that leaves them with nothing to pour into you that isn’t already there.
8. You’re growing apart instead of together.
Long-term relationships require the people involved to grow together. In romantic relationships, you have to proactively make the choice to continue to fall in love with one another, walking forward together in life as partners. Unfortunately, not everyone can or will make that choice. Instead of growing together, you may find that your own evolution starts pulling you and your partner apart.
At that point, you may find yourself faced with a decision. Do you end the relationship and continue on your journey of self-improvement or discovery? Or do you give up on your personal path to stay rooted in place with this person? It’s such a painful choice because sometimes things just have to end. It’s not just romantic relationships either; some people grow apart from friends or family, too.
You can’t choose to stay in place; otherwise, you just end up resenting the other person for holding you back.
9. You’re starting to crave new and different experiences.
As you grow, it’s normal to want to develop new connections and have new experiences in this new reality, this new you, that you’re creating for yourself. You may find that you still value and enjoy the people who were in your life yesterday, but that it’s time for more in your life.
Even if you’re strong enough to carry the load by yourself, it’s awesome to have people who will help you with the load, offer encouragement, and celebrate your wins with you. Your mind is going to rebel if you’re in a situation where you’re not supported or where you’re being kept down. It’s going to crave more, because your spirit is starving for the right nourishment.
Final thoughts…
You are not a plant, but you do share some similarities. You may have spent a chunk of your life in a pot that was perfectly comfortable for you. Then, you have the right nourishment, soil, and sunlight, and you start to grow. As you grow, the old pot becomes uncomfortably small, and the soil you were in doesn’t provide the same nourishment.
At some point, the plant needs to be moved to the yard or to a bigger pot where it can grow and flourish as it’s meant to. It’s hard because the old pot is safe and familiar. You don’t really want to leave everything behind, but sometimes you have to.
