Arguments are inevitable in relationships. Until the magical day arrives when we can tap into each other’s thoughts to understand things without misinterpretation, there will be misunderstandings.
That said, if a couple keeps having silly little arguments about things that don’t truly matter, there are usually underlying issues at hand.
If this sounds familiar to you, and your days are full of small spats instead of harmony, the following issues may be what’s really going on beneath the surface.
9 underlying reasons for silly little arguments:
1. One of you is micromanaging the relationship because you feel out of control in other areas of life.
People can take different approaches to tasks and responsibilities without one being more “right” than the other.
For example, one partner may be highly organized and have bills auto-deducted from their accounts, while the other prefers to do those things manually on specific days. The same goes for tackling any other life tasks.
But if both approaches work, why are they being argued about?
Quite simply, when people are dealing with things that they can’t control, they often project them onto those closest to them.
If your partner is freaking out about how you load the dishwasher, it probably isn’t a dish-washing issue but something else that’s bothering them.
They can’t control that other thing, but they can nitpick over the “correct” way of stacking the dishes. So they do, because it gives them the illusion of control they’re seeking.
2. Money worries are creating an undercurrent of stress.
Nothing can upset a relationship like money. In fact, for us mere mortals, it’s usually the lack of it that creates conflict.
It’s difficult to have a harmonious partnership when you have to count pennies fiercely, and even worse when one partner doesn’t adhere to the established budget.
For example, you may have a set amount of money in the joint account for bills and groceries, but your partner decides that the thing they need more than anything in the world is a talking wall fish.
This would cause upset, and understandably so. But money can be hard to talk about. As such, money worries or differing attitudes towards spending habits might manifest as silly arguments about trivial things because the real fear isn’t being spoken aloud.
When it comes to shared finances, though, nothing can be fixed without open communication. You need to understand your finances, each other’s spending habits, and the drivers behind those habits.
Money worries have to be addressed head-on, and not just for the sake of your relationship.
3. One of you feels insecure.
People’s insecurity can manifest in a wide variety of ways, for different reasons. Furthermore, there are a lot of things that may trigger anxiety in people, depending on what their formative years and past experiences were like.
Even if you haven’t specifically done anything to upset your spouse or cause them to doubt your relationship (or themselves), they may feel insecure about potential rivals for your affection, their position in the relationship, and so on.
Here’s an example: my partner is frighteningly good at a lot of things, including skill sets that would ordinarily fall within a perceived “masculine” domain, i.e., carpentry, home repairs, chess playing, and so on.
Some of her former partners who felt insecure about her capabilities would make backhanded comments in an attempt to put her down. She made them feel small simply by existing, and they worried she would leave them.
Ironically, their own behavior fulfilled that prophecy.
Rather than recognizing the gift they had in her and the opportunity to grow alongside the person they claimed to love, they chose to pick silly fights and cut her down instead.
4. There are unmet needs within the relationship.
If a person feels that their needs aren’t being met, they may make passive-aggressive comments or pick little fights instead of addressing that issue outright.
For example, if they feel that they aren’t getting enough attention from their partner, they may punish them by denying them downtime (or sleep!) or by sabotaging plans that don’t involve them, e.g., a girls’ night out, games and beers with the boys, and so on.
They may assume that their partner should just know their needs, and that they shouldn’t have to ask, but no one can read minds.
What’s more, we can all get lost in our own heads, especially when life gets stressful or when we’re dealing with our own concerns.
This is where communication comes in: by discussing these things openly and lovingly, you can better understand one another and find solutions that work for you both.
5. Good-natured competitiveness gone wrong.
Another element that may have crept into your relationship over time is competitiveness taken a little too far.
Essentially, sparring or one-upmanship that might have been good-natured and fun initially is now getting a bit too much.
For instance, some couples have gentle roasting as a love language, in which they make fun of each other playfully on a regular basis.
Sometimes, however, that banter lands badly or strikes a nerve. This can be especially true as the ravages of age kick in and one or both partners start to feel less confident in their appearance.
Even though it wasn’t anyone’s intention to hurt feelings, that can cause conflict and retaliation: the person who got hurt tries to hurt the other back under the guise of playful competition, and things just escalate from there.
6. There is resentment over inequality in the relationship.
This is similar to the unmet needs we discussed earlier, but has more to do with one partner feeling like they’re being taken advantage of in the relationship.
For example, let’s say both partners work, but one is also doing most of the housework, cooking, and mental labor, while the other one assumes they are doing their share.
Rather than being forthright about the unequal output, Partner 1 assumes Partner 2 should just understand what the problem is and grows increasingly resentful day by day, resulting in fights about silly things.
Meanwhile, Partner 2 gets defensive because they don’t actually realize how much extra work Partner 1 is doing.
They may think they’re ‘helping’ more than they are, or they’re simply used to things being done for them.
Instead of talking about the imbalance openly and directly, both partners end up sniping about trivial things because the real issue isn’t being voiced.
7. You’re both struggling, but only one of you is voicing it.
If you’ve been dealing with your own stresses and upsets, chances are your partner isn’t telling you about the issues they’re dealing with because they don’t want to upset you further.
This doesn’t mean that their troubles aren’t bothering them: they’re simply repressing them, which means that they’re going to come out in different ways, like petty little arguments.
Maybe they’re dealing with work-related problems, health anxieties that they’re choosing to ignore rather than address, or general existential angst due to world events beyond their control.
If neither of you has the bandwidth to discuss these problems in earnest, simply acknowledging that both of you are going through it right now can alleviate a lot of that tension. So can cortisol-reducing physical touch like cuddling on the couch or a daily hug.
8. One or both of you are feeling bored.
If one or both of you are feeling listless or bored with your lives, this can overflow into your relationship.
A person who feels unable to escape things that are upsetting them may feel internally like a caged tiger.
As such, they may lash out and nitpick over insignificant things, causing silly little arguments, rather than addressing what’s actually bothering them.
For instance, they may truly hate their job and feel claustrophobic about having to keep doing it, but finances are so tenuous that they know they can’t quit.
Or they’re struggling with midlife crises and feel lost and alienated in themselves. It’s rarely an intentional choice, but sometimes an unstimulated brain seeks out arguments in the search for that little dopamine hit that comes from stimulation and intensity.
Unfortunately, the long-term damage is never worth the short-term gain, though.
9. Personal changes have driven you apart.
Life involves constant change — physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sometimes these changes are positive ones, and other times they cause tensions or struggles.
If something that unified you in the past is no longer as it was, that may cause silly arguments between you. Basically, you aren’t addressing the key issue, but are instead griping about things on the surface.
For example, let’s say the two of you used to exercise together, but health issues have put the kibosh on that.
Maybe one of you is still quite fit, but the other isn’t and is feeling self-conscious about it. They may feel less desirable or afraid of being a burden if they can’t keep up.
And in turn, the other partner may be finding the changes challenging, but they may not express that for fear of causing further pain.
All the while you’re ignoring and not discussing your real fears and concerns, it’s manifesting in petty arguments about things that don’t truly matter.
Final thoughts…
As you can probably glean from these examples, the key to solving the issues that are causing the silly little arguments is clear communication.
By talking things out openly and honestly, and finding a way forward that involves equal, mutual support, you’ll undoubtedly stop sniping at each other.
Both of you will feel seen, heard, and respected, and you can create a path forward as a unified, loving team.
Remember that you chose to spend your lives together for many reasons. Return to that foundation, and you can weather any storm.
