Have you ever stopped to ask yourself whether the friends you have in your life are actually good for you? Most of us don’t. We collect friendships over the years and hold onto them out of habit, history, or simply because it’s hard to end a friendship.
But everyone should maintain a reasonable set of standards for their friendships. Low standards will cost you. In energy, in self-worth, and in the time you could be spending on connections that actually serve you.
What’s more, you are judged by the company you keep, and you become like the people you surround yourself with. It’s fine to have a number of casual acquaintances. But if you decide to be friends with people who are willing to do shady things, other people are going to assume you’re shady, too.
So how can you tell if your standards are too low? Here are some signs to look out for:
1. They only reach out when they need something.
Do you find yourself waiting to hear from them? Is the only time you hear from them when they need something from you? As Healthline shares, this is often an indicator of emotional manipulation. A person who is genuinely your friend will want to get to know you as a person and be around you. Yes, life happens, and people are busy. Sometimes we lose the thread of a connection just because life pushes it out of the way. That’s understandable.
However, if that person truly values your friendship, they will make the effort to connect with you. They will be reaching out more often than just when they need something. A good way to tell the difference is to just stop reaching out to them and wait to see when they reach out to you. And most importantly, ask yourself, why do they reach out to you?
2. They make you feel drained after being around them.
A healthy social connection will typically leave you feeling good, not bad. You may not feel it in the moment, because you’re distracted by whatever is going on. But once you leave that person’s space, consider how you feel. Are you anxious? Do you feel sad or frustrated? Do you feel depleted, as though you poured out too much emotional energy?
These are signs that the person isn’t a good fit for you. It may not necessarily be that they are a bad person; they just may not be the right fit for you. Personally, I’m an introvert, and I get exhausted easily around high-energy people. I tried dating someone who could never just slow down, and it constantly left me feeling drained. I just couldn’t keep up because I’m not wired that way.
That doesn’t make them a bad person, not at all. They’re a fantastic person. I just had to limit how much time I spent with them because of the mismatch in our energy. That’s not a good quality fit for a romantic relationship at all, and it’s the same for friendships.
However, don’t mistake feeling tired with feeling bad about the person or the situation. If you’re an introvert, socializing is going to make you feel drained. As Psychology Today shares, that’s to be expected. On the other hand, if you have a friend who constantly complains and uses you as a personal therapist, you’re going to feel both bad and drained.
3. They are inconsistent.
A friendship cannot be built on “take what you can get.” A person who is using you may only be available when they need something from you, as we’ve already discussed. Alternatively, they may only be there for you when it’s convenient for them, or the problem isn’t too serious. That way, they can create the illusion of friendship without any of the work or sacrifice that goes into it.
But when real effort is required, they’re suddenly nowhere to be seen. And yes, maintaining a relationship of any kind takes effort and work. However, it’s not work that should drain you. It should be joyful work. Like, how can I make my friend’s life easier? How can I make them feel appreciated? How can I help them if they need help? A real friend will want to lift you up, not use you like an anchor.
4. They require you to walk on eggshells.
Anyone who requires you to walk on eggshells to be within their proximity isn’t worth being around. Grown adults should be in control of their emotions. Granted, some people struggle with emotion regulation, either through natural brain wiring or previous trauma, but it’s a skill like any other that can be honed.
A good friend should be able to handle disagreements or problems with some sense of maturity. However, not everyone is like that. In fact, there are a lot of grown adults who act so childishly when it comes to inconveniences or their temper.
You are not their counselor. If you have to walk on eggshells to be around that person, then they may not be emotionally healthy enough to have the connection that you do. Romantic relationships are probably the most common example of this, but it happens in regular friendships, too.
You shouldn’t have to avoid conflict with someone you call a friend. Your needs and boundaries matter.
5. They don’t value you equally.
Have you ever felt like you were replaceable? That it wouldn’t make a difference either way, whether you were absent? That lack of priority and consideration is a subtle sign that you’re around the wrong kind of people. People who genuinely like you will make time and space for you in their lives. If they don’t, then they don’t value you in a way that you deserve to be valued.
That feeling is easy to confuse with insecurity, but they’re different. Insecurity manifests when you actually are given time, space, and consideration, but it still feels shaky to you. In contrast, it’s a friendship red flag when that person doesn’t want to give you those things and make you feel secure. After all, if they were your friend, wouldn’t they want you to feel safe, comfortable, and happy?
6. They are just filling a space, so you aren’t lonely.
It can be hard to admit, but sometimes people hold on to bad friendships because they just don’t want to be alone. There are a lot of reasons why a person may feel that way. So many people choose to stay in miserable friendships or relationships because it’s the evil they know, and they aren’t alone. The problem is that it doesn’t even solve the issue of loneliness.
It’s far worse to spend your time with the people who aren’t right for you than it is to feel lonely. Why? Well, because when you do, you subconsciously internalize all of the friction that exists in the relationship.
For example, let’s say your friend doesn’t reach out to you like you would appreciate. A person who is not comfortable being alone may think, “Oh, they don’t want to be around me. There’s something wrong with me.” That just reinforces the negative self-image that keeps you stuck in relationships that aren’t good for you, instead of unraveling it. That makes the problem worse and harder to heal from.
7. They don’t exhibit loyalty to you.
Are the loyalty and consideration in the friendship one-sided? For example, you may stand up for them, defend them, be there when they need you, but they don’t do the same for you. If so, that is definitely not the kind of person you want to have in your friendship circle.
Inevitably, something in life is going to go wrong, and your friends may be the only ones in a place to defend you. But they aren’t going to do that if they don’t have any loyalty to you. Instead, they’ll throw you under the bus or shrug it off as not being their problem.
That’s an acquaintanceship, not a friendship. I wouldn’t expect an acquaintance to stand up for me in normal circumstances. They’re strangers, and you don’t know one another. But a friend? I would definitely expect that from a friend. You don’t need friends who will throw you under the bus when it’s convenient for them.
Final thoughts…
You need to have a minimum set of standards for the people you surround yourself with. Their habits will brush off on you, and yours will brush off on them. You don’t want people around you who do not make good decisions or have good habits. You don’t want to spend your time chasing after someone who gives you the bare minimum.
All of the time you waste doing that is time you could have spent healing or developing healthier friendships. Don’t waste your time and life on ungrateful people who don’t accept you for who you are. There are billions of people out there. You’ll find the right people when you stop wasting time on the wrong ones.
